The day that Spencer and Judith had arranged to have their first sexual encounter, I'd arranged to go to the movies [I remember it was Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy] with a platonic guy friend of mine. He apparently didn't notice how nervous and shaky I was the whole time, thinking of what Spencer was doing at home.
I believe I was intellectually ready -- most of us in this lifestyle say we are -- but the actual leap from an academic discussion of poly to going the full step of caring penetration with another is just that, a leap -- of trust, and faith -- me trusting that Spencer won't go too far emotionally, and he trusting me that I won't in the end wig out.
Well, I didn't wig out, and though it was a difficult step, I was glad that Spencer and Judith had a good time together. It was a feeling of compersion for two people I genuinely cared about and loved.
The problem started with Spencer's growing love for Judith growing into an almost obsession with Judith. Wanting to know if I'd talked to her; she didn't write him back right away, is she off him or ignoring him? Is she talking to other guys? Calling her at her work when he should have been calling me at mine. Yes, after several months of this, I got jealous, and sometimes downright mad.
Spencer does have a habit of latching on to a relationship and nearly driving it into the ground; it's something he's working on now, but back then, I was sick of it. If I heard her name once more I was going to scream!
Eventually, because of conflicts brought on by Spencer's modus operandi, and because of other things on Judith's part, they did go separate ways. I had to say I was relieved, though there was the continual questioning of me if I'd talked to her or seen her and if she asked about Spencer.
Soon however, the tables were going to be turned after we met a couple through Swing Lifestyle, George and Hillary.
And did I ever fall for George.
~Pym
Showing posts with label pymads. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pymads. Show all posts
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Saturday, May 1, 2010
The First Love, Part I
After writing about our initial breaking-in experience with Sydney, I had to have Spencer jog my memory of what came next [it has been a few years]. It seems that because of how the situation made me feel, we didn't attempt much active searching for "adult" friends for awhile.
In the meantime he kept up our online accounts like Adult Friend Finder and Swing Lifestyle [mentions are not to be construed as an endorsement ;O) ] and we continued to discuss what it is we wanted out of an open relationship.
I think still at that point we hadn't hit upon the word polyamory, or we'd only just begun to learn about it. We did think we knew what we didn't want and that was shallow, anonymous sex; we wanted to at least care for and have a friendship with someone if we were going to have sex with them. However we didn't yet discuss how we'd deal with it if one of us actually fell in love with another person.
Until it happened.
Spencer had at that time caught back up with a friend, Judith--now married--from his old high school. I became close to her, too, and she became pretty much a best girlfriend to me. She and Spencer felt comfortable flirting and with time she seemed more and more open to it, especially via email. She also began relaying to Spencer how "un-sexual" her marriage was, and some of the downright nasty things her husband was saying to her about her body. In time, she and Spencer grew closer, and they decided to move on sexually.
Now, I do say that I/we don't want to help spouses cheat, but hearing about the almost verbally-abusive situation she was in [at least hearing it from her side], and counting on them knowing the risks involved, I gave my blessing to them.
And even though Spencer and I talked things out beforehand [though not she and I, which in hindsight may have helped me], and intellectually I was ready, letting the two of them have sex was one of the most difficult things I'd ever done.
~Pym
In the meantime he kept up our online accounts like Adult Friend Finder and Swing Lifestyle [mentions are not to be construed as an endorsement ;O) ] and we continued to discuss what it is we wanted out of an open relationship.
I think still at that point we hadn't hit upon the word polyamory, or we'd only just begun to learn about it. We did think we knew what we didn't want and that was shallow, anonymous sex; we wanted to at least care for and have a friendship with someone if we were going to have sex with them. However we didn't yet discuss how we'd deal with it if one of us actually fell in love with another person.
Until it happened.
Spencer had at that time caught back up with a friend, Judith--now married--from his old high school. I became close to her, too, and she became pretty much a best girlfriend to me. She and Spencer felt comfortable flirting and with time she seemed more and more open to it, especially via email. She also began relaying to Spencer how "un-sexual" her marriage was, and some of the downright nasty things her husband was saying to her about her body. In time, she and Spencer grew closer, and they decided to move on sexually.
Now, I do say that I/we don't want to help spouses cheat, but hearing about the almost verbally-abusive situation she was in [at least hearing it from her side], and counting on them knowing the risks involved, I gave my blessing to them.
And even though Spencer and I talked things out beforehand [though not she and I, which in hindsight may have helped me], and intellectually I was ready, letting the two of them have sex was one of the most difficult things I'd ever done.
~Pym
Monday, April 26, 2010
House Open Marriage Episode
Spencer and I watched tonight's episode of House together, and I'm chatting with Cary about it now. We're all three pretty much in agreement that the episode leaned toward being anti-open marriage. And I thought it was done a bit heavy-handedly: HEY EVERYBODY, THEY HAVE AN OPEN MARRIAGE! And this allows the doctors to ask all kinds of personal questions, even though it would have no bearing on her present condition.
I think Rachel [Taub's wife] was on the right track when she was giving him permission: I think if he'd have gone out with Maya while having permission, it would have taken the thrill out of it, and he probably wouldn't have gone through with it anyway.
Taub was a buffoon for broaching the subject of open marriage with his wife in a crowded restaurant--you can't discuss anything serious in that setting. And once Rachel did give him Thursdays, even if she could have followed through, he should have had more class than to jump on the very next Thursday. And why should it have been any of Taub's co-worker's business?? And why was Foreman especially hard on Taub?
I also wonder why the words polyamory or swinger were never spoken. Not that they're the same thing, but with all the conversation you'd think someone would have said one or the other.
Lots of food for thought in this episode, though it probably was done mainly for titillation and ratings--hey, it worked in getting us to watch!
Would love to hear anyone else's comments on it, too.
'Night,
~Pym
I think Rachel [Taub's wife] was on the right track when she was giving him permission: I think if he'd have gone out with Maya while having permission, it would have taken the thrill out of it, and he probably wouldn't have gone through with it anyway.
Taub was a buffoon for broaching the subject of open marriage with his wife in a crowded restaurant--you can't discuss anything serious in that setting. And once Rachel did give him Thursdays, even if she could have followed through, he should have had more class than to jump on the very next Thursday. And why should it have been any of Taub's co-worker's business?? And why was Foreman especially hard on Taub?
I also wonder why the words polyamory or swinger were never spoken. Not that they're the same thing, but with all the conversation you'd think someone would have said one or the other.
Lots of food for thought in this episode, though it probably was done mainly for titillation and ratings--hey, it worked in getting us to watch!
Would love to hear anyone else's comments on it, too.
'Night,
~Pym
Friday, April 23, 2010
Still here
Yes, Spencer and I are still here! It seems like it's been awhile since I've posted, but in a way it's good because we've been busy with productive things. Lots of pleasure reading, doing things around the house [especially yard work], and spending enriching time together. Spencer is working hard on tapering his drinking and I can see an improvement and give him my heartfelt thanks for trying! I've also gotten to have some wonderful extra time with Cary -- once meeting for a daytime skyclad encounter, on the grass in his fenced-in yard -- oh my that was delicious! [While we were lying there a low-flying plane came overhead and I wondered if they could see us? *smile*] Also, I thank Spencer for giving me the gift of being able to share times like that with someone else that I love. As for Spencer, he's really missing Amanda, but I guess they both know that somehow they cannot get over their communication problems and constant bickering. I hope that after this "hump" of hard feelings, they can still come back together as friends. Spencer is actively looking for someone with alternative spiritual leanings and a tolerance for someone working on an addiction...on that note, if anyone is interested in corresponding with Spencer, do contact me and I'll do my best to introduce you!
~Pym
~Pym
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Just For Fun
I was wondering if anyone had their own names for sexual positions they do with partners -- as in something you did spontaneously and gave a name to later?
Here are ours [so far], named after the motel/hotels in which they occurred, with a brief description of position:
1) The Gold Strike: me on bathroom counter, Spencer and I facing each other, my back up to mirror, I should've worn a helmet
2) The Motel 6: me leaning over bathroom counter, Spencer getting me "doggy style", hurt to walk for to 2 days [seriously]
3) The Sam's Town: it's why there are luggage racks in hotel rooms; that's all I'm gonna say...
We hope to make more memories, but feel free to share some of yours! ;O)
--Pym
Here are ours [so far], named after the motel/hotels in which they occurred, with a brief description of position:
1) The Gold Strike: me on bathroom counter, Spencer and I facing each other, my back up to mirror, I should've worn a helmet
2) The Motel 6: me leaning over bathroom counter, Spencer getting me "doggy style", hurt to walk for to 2 days [seriously]
3) The Sam's Town: it's why there are luggage racks in hotel rooms; that's all I'm gonna say...
We hope to make more memories, but feel free to share some of yours! ;O)
--Pym
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Is It Tuesday Already?
I had a goal for tonight to write a longer post [I started a draft for First Experiences, Part III] but since Spencer is out with Kip, Cary is unavailable, and I have the whole house to myself with the now-sleeping cat [Baby] I'm going to get my ass off the computer, sip on a glass of port, read, and relax...ahhh...sweet...
--Pym
--Pym
First Experiences, Part III
In searching for ways to experience our chosen lifestyle and meet like-minded people, Spencer registered us on numerous adult web sites [and I think he has since quite enjoyed perusing profiles--especially the accompanying photos--guys are so visual!]
It really does take a lot of sifting through profiles on those sites to find legitimate people or couples with whom one has philosophies and interests in common; most are players or ads. After a lot of profile "screening," a woman with whom Spencer began corresponding would be our first let's-do-something-intimate-at-home encounter.
Sydney really was a sweet person: a single mom, intelligent, very pretty, and open-minded about sex and sexuality. We were invited to visit her at her work a few times to talk in person, and eventually we did invite her over to watch a movie, and see what might develop.
To begin with, this being our first planned meeting with someone made me anxious, even though I liked Sydney as a person. Also, Sydney unfortunately wore a perfume that was awful; it truly turned my stomach. I have no idea how Spencer could stand it, or even how she could wear it! I didn't want to hurt her feelings by saying anything, but by the time the movie ended I was about to be physically ill, and I should have spoken up then, but I didn't want to spoil the evening.
After chatting a bit when the movie was over, we all agreed that we'd try for Sydney to give Spencer a blow-job while I watched, then see if he could make her orgasm--no penetration--we all knew I wasn't ready for that. I did think I was ready for this "lite" encounter, but I felt so ill from the smell of her perfume, and my insides were churning from the anxiety of this new experience, that I was crying before it was all over.
I encouraged Spencer and Sydney to cut it short, and they knew I wanted her to leave--without being physically satisfied herself. Afterwards, I did feel bad for causing the evening to be halted, and I know both weren't happy with me, but it was all I could do to not vomit over the whole scene, which no doubt would have been mortifying.
When I explained the physical effect her scent had on me, Spencer understood, but needless to say, we heard from Sydney only once or twice after that. It was a dipping of our toes in the waters of non-monogamy and a learning experience, maybe for all three of us:
1) Verbalize limits as soon as you feel them
2) Be understanding if your spouse expresses discomfort
3) Don't wear pukey cologne
--Pym
It really does take a lot of sifting through profiles on those sites to find legitimate people or couples with whom one has philosophies and interests in common; most are players or ads. After a lot of profile "screening," a woman with whom Spencer began corresponding would be our first let's-do-something-intimate-at-home encounter.
Sydney really was a sweet person: a single mom, intelligent, very pretty, and open-minded about sex and sexuality. We were invited to visit her at her work a few times to talk in person, and eventually we did invite her over to watch a movie, and see what might develop.
To begin with, this being our first planned meeting with someone made me anxious, even though I liked Sydney as a person. Also, Sydney unfortunately wore a perfume that was awful; it truly turned my stomach. I have no idea how Spencer could stand it, or even how she could wear it! I didn't want to hurt her feelings by saying anything, but by the time the movie ended I was about to be physically ill, and I should have spoken up then, but I didn't want to spoil the evening.
After chatting a bit when the movie was over, we all agreed that we'd try for Sydney to give Spencer a blow-job while I watched, then see if he could make her orgasm--no penetration--we all knew I wasn't ready for that. I did think I was ready for this "lite" encounter, but I felt so ill from the smell of her perfume, and my insides were churning from the anxiety of this new experience, that I was crying before it was all over.
I encouraged Spencer and Sydney to cut it short, and they knew I wanted her to leave--without being physically satisfied herself. Afterwards, I did feel bad for causing the evening to be halted, and I know both weren't happy with me, but it was all I could do to not vomit over the whole scene, which no doubt would have been mortifying.
When I explained the physical effect her scent had on me, Spencer understood, but needless to say, we heard from Sydney only once or twice after that. It was a dipping of our toes in the waters of non-monogamy and a learning experience, maybe for all three of us:
1) Verbalize limits as soon as you feel them
2) Be understanding if your spouse expresses discomfort
3) Don't wear pukey cologne
--Pym
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Dr. Jekyll
I really don't have any qualms in admitting that I'm an enabler, nor in emphasizing the goodness, the Dr. Jekyll side, of Spencer. He's hard enough on himself as it is, and me constantly criticizing doesn't help the deep self-esteem issues. I'm sure that's more of my enabling traits, but I find it hard to tear someone down when a) they're busy fighting demons that have tentacles longer than both our lives, and b) I love them.
Since Pym's Escape is my way to vent, I'm sure it's giving a more negative view of Spencer. I may have painted him as only Mr. Hyde, and there really is so much more to him. I could give a laundry list of all of his Jekyll qualities, his sense of humor, his sexiness, his solicitiousness, his intelligence and creativity. But as I was talking to Cary tonight about what I find with Spencer, the word that stood out was joy.
Even with all we endure as a couple, that is still what I feel every day with Spencer...most especially when he's sober for sure...but still, I feel it every day in some way.
Mr. Hyde may need a swift kick in the pants,
but as for Dr. Jekyll, he brings me joy.
--Pym
Since Pym's Escape is my way to vent, I'm sure it's giving a more negative view of Spencer. I may have painted him as only Mr. Hyde, and there really is so much more to him. I could give a laundry list of all of his Jekyll qualities, his sense of humor, his sexiness, his solicitiousness, his intelligence and creativity. But as I was talking to Cary tonight about what I find with Spencer, the word that stood out was joy.
Even with all we endure as a couple, that is still what I feel every day with Spencer...most especially when he's sober for sure...but still, I feel it every day in some way.
Mr. Hyde may need a swift kick in the pants,
but as for Dr. Jekyll, he brings me joy.
--Pym
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Moving Backward...
This is going to be pretty much a stream of consciousness post; I'm not going to worry about paragraphs or spelling. I've had such a horrible past two nights that I've just got to get it out or I'm going to scream! I don't even know what details to give but suffice it to say Spencer is truly driving me insane. I think I'm going to end up in a hospital, or I'm going to put him in a hospital: either a rehab one, or because I've beaned him with a blunt object! And I know when he reads this he's going to only see reasons that he should leave; or reasons to do himself in. He'll fail to see another option: GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER!
I think he's purposely trying to push me away; either so he can fulfill this self-destructive, self-fulfilling prophecy of "no one loves me or cares about me" or so I can be the ultimate bitch like his last live-in, fifteen years ago. He keeps saying, when he's drunk, you should leave me, you should divorce me. Maybe I should, but I'm not planning on it.
When he's sober and doing things such as going to our counselor, like just last Wednesday, there is always so much hope! But when he drinks, and then gets a Mr. Hyde personality like he has the last two nights, it's just a nightmare!
I don't know what makes the difference between the "good binges" [if they can really be called that] and these nightmare binges. He has such a self-destructive attitude. Friday night he was saying he didn't want to be here [life] anymore; that wait and he'll be gone. He punched the stove, slammed his fist on the counter, we argued, I cried, I tried to go to bed so he'd leave me alone, but he just follows me...talking...and talking...in my ear, practically smothering me while I'm lying there...sometimes saying scary things, sometimes mean things. I had to hold back from hitting him, which I've done in the past out of pure rage. I drank most of my 1/2 pint of brandy, to try to escape and keep calm; I took a 1/2 xanax. Finally he'd leave the room and I'd bawl my eyes out. Then he came back and finally fell asleep.
When he reads this he's, again, only going to see reasons he should leave or kill himself...I'm terrifying of him hurting himself... Or he's going to hold it against me that I've written all I've written. It'll make him look bad. He's said before [sober], I don't want to be that jerk that everyone points to and says, "there's that guy; he's a jerk; stay away from him" but yet his actions [drunk] push him into that category.
And I know this Mr. Hyde personality isn't really him; it's his terrors, and childhood traumas, and his fears coming out, like some kind of toxicity that seethes through his skin...but the real him is Dr. Jekyll, the loving, kind, smart, and funny person I married.
Gotta take a breath here.
I know I shouldn't be drinking either, and there's no excuse except my need of escape also. I want it so I can be calm and just fall asleep. I've had my own suicidal thoughts as well, and was tempted to down more than brandy, but I won't do that; I know how much a suicide in Spencer's family affected him, and I'd never do that to him or to my family.
That's something I just can't understand: he's so tormented by this suicide of a loved one, but he seems to think he can turn around and put me through that same torment and nightmare. How dare he even consider it? And I also can't fathom, knowing how much Spencer went through with an abusive alcoholic dad, how can it be okay to put me, and us, through it today? I know these are simplistic questions and the answers are multi-layered and oh-so-complex, but to just have him realize the irony would be a start.
Whew, I think I'm a bit spent now, but it feels so good to have gotten a lot off my chest!
I want to also add that Friday night, while I was bawling, I was saying inside, "I need a friend, I need a friend!" and after Spencer fell asleep and I got on the computer for a distraction, in the beautiful synchronicity of the Universe, I was message by a friend, Charlie--someone from my home state who I'd only just begun re-corresponding with in the last few months, a friend whom I love very much, and I thank him for listening to me and giving me some laughs and a lot of support.
Of course the next day, Spencer finds Charlie's cell phone number and asks me if I'm going to leave him. No, Baby, I am NOT planning on leaving you. If I ever do leave, it will not be for another person; it would be to regain my sanity and live by myself! I don't want to live with anyone else; I want to live with the man I married, but it's got to be a sane, productive, thriving existence; we've got the love mastered, how come we can't get the other stuff right?
I think he's purposely trying to push me away; either so he can fulfill this self-destructive, self-fulfilling prophecy of "no one loves me or cares about me" or so I can be the ultimate bitch like his last live-in, fifteen years ago. He keeps saying, when he's drunk, you should leave me, you should divorce me. Maybe I should, but I'm not planning on it.
When he's sober and doing things such as going to our counselor, like just last Wednesday, there is always so much hope! But when he drinks, and then gets a Mr. Hyde personality like he has the last two nights, it's just a nightmare!
I don't know what makes the difference between the "good binges" [if they can really be called that] and these nightmare binges. He has such a self-destructive attitude. Friday night he was saying he didn't want to be here [life] anymore; that wait and he'll be gone. He punched the stove, slammed his fist on the counter, we argued, I cried, I tried to go to bed so he'd leave me alone, but he just follows me...talking...and talking...in my ear, practically smothering me while I'm lying there...sometimes saying scary things, sometimes mean things. I had to hold back from hitting him, which I've done in the past out of pure rage. I drank most of my 1/2 pint of brandy, to try to escape and keep calm; I took a 1/2 xanax. Finally he'd leave the room and I'd bawl my eyes out. Then he came back and finally fell asleep.
When he reads this he's, again, only going to see reasons he should leave or kill himself...I'm terrifying of him hurting himself... Or he's going to hold it against me that I've written all I've written. It'll make him look bad. He's said before [sober], I don't want to be that jerk that everyone points to and says, "there's that guy; he's a jerk; stay away from him" but yet his actions [drunk] push him into that category.
And I know this Mr. Hyde personality isn't really him; it's his terrors, and childhood traumas, and his fears coming out, like some kind of toxicity that seethes through his skin...but the real him is Dr. Jekyll, the loving, kind, smart, and funny person I married.
Gotta take a breath here.
I know I shouldn't be drinking either, and there's no excuse except my need of escape also. I want it so I can be calm and just fall asleep. I've had my own suicidal thoughts as well, and was tempted to down more than brandy, but I won't do that; I know how much a suicide in Spencer's family affected him, and I'd never do that to him or to my family.
That's something I just can't understand: he's so tormented by this suicide of a loved one, but he seems to think he can turn around and put me through that same torment and nightmare. How dare he even consider it? And I also can't fathom, knowing how much Spencer went through with an abusive alcoholic dad, how can it be okay to put me, and us, through it today? I know these are simplistic questions and the answers are multi-layered and oh-so-complex, but to just have him realize the irony would be a start.
Whew, I think I'm a bit spent now, but it feels so good to have gotten a lot off my chest!
I want to also add that Friday night, while I was bawling, I was saying inside, "I need a friend, I need a friend!" and after Spencer fell asleep and I got on the computer for a distraction, in the beautiful synchronicity of the Universe, I was message by a friend, Charlie--someone from my home state who I'd only just begun re-corresponding with in the last few months, a friend whom I love very much, and I thank him for listening to me and giving me some laughs and a lot of support.
Of course the next day, Spencer finds Charlie's cell phone number and asks me if I'm going to leave him. No, Baby, I am NOT planning on leaving you. If I ever do leave, it will not be for another person; it would be to regain my sanity and live by myself! I don't want to live with anyone else; I want to live with the man I married, but it's got to be a sane, productive, thriving existence; we've got the love mastered, how come we can't get the other stuff right?
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Moving forward
Today was our second appointment together at the counselor, and I'm proud of how well Spencer is opening up and expressing himself, especially since the counselor is a guy. But he's a cool guy and seems to listen and make suggestions without harsh judgment, only helping hone perspectives.
Our Valentine's weekend was really nice; had a three-day weekend since Monday was Presidents' Day. Spencer and I spent Saturday together during the day, doing some of our favorite things: going thrift store shopping and eating out.
In the evening he went with Kip to a movie and I got to have a quick visit [and a quickie] with Cary. It could only be a quickie due to time constraints but it was hot! Hot to see him, be pounded by him, and lie on the bed together afterwards. We're both hoping we can find the opportunity to spend more than just minutes to hours together sometime in the near future, and I'm lobbying to get a room for a night, but that's a step he and his wife will have to decide upon together. It would be their first time sharing during an all-nighter, and I want them both to be comfortable with it if it happens.
At least that's what I tell myself. Truthfully, if he said he was going to tell her that he would be out of town a night for a convention, but got us a room instead...I'd still take it. Isn't that terrible? In my rationalization I'd say it's because I don't believe she tells Cary everything she does, and I think she's flat-out cheated on him in the past. And, yes, I did that to my first husband, but hypocritical or not, I don't think it's any worse for him to do so if she has already. Sigh, where are my principles? And I know Spencer would be disappointed in me if I did it. Hmmm, I need to think that one over a bit more...
Spencer has been missing Amanda quite a bit, and is trying to at least keep some email communications going with her. It's good for him to have someone to talk to who understands our lifestyle, but I'm not sure if it's healthy for them to pursue a romantic relationship again. As long as they can get along, I'll support them both; but I don't want to have to put back on the striped referee uniform. I look terrible in stripes.
Our Valentine's weekend was really nice; had a three-day weekend since Monday was Presidents' Day. Spencer and I spent Saturday together during the day, doing some of our favorite things: going thrift store shopping and eating out.
In the evening he went with Kip to a movie and I got to have a quick visit [and a quickie] with Cary. It could only be a quickie due to time constraints but it was hot! Hot to see him, be pounded by him, and lie on the bed together afterwards. We're both hoping we can find the opportunity to spend more than just minutes to hours together sometime in the near future, and I'm lobbying to get a room for a night, but that's a step he and his wife will have to decide upon together. It would be their first time sharing during an all-nighter, and I want them both to be comfortable with it if it happens.
At least that's what I tell myself. Truthfully, if he said he was going to tell her that he would be out of town a night for a convention, but got us a room instead...I'd still take it. Isn't that terrible? In my rationalization I'd say it's because I don't believe she tells Cary everything she does, and I think she's flat-out cheated on him in the past. And, yes, I did that to my first husband, but hypocritical or not, I don't think it's any worse for him to do so if she has already. Sigh, where are my principles? And I know Spencer would be disappointed in me if I did it. Hmmm, I need to think that one over a bit more...
Spencer has been missing Amanda quite a bit, and is trying to at least keep some email communications going with her. It's good for him to have someone to talk to who understands our lifestyle, but I'm not sure if it's healthy for them to pursue a romantic relationship again. As long as they can get along, I'll support them both; but I don't want to have to put back on the striped referee uniform. I look terrible in stripes.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
First Experiences, Part II
As a foreword to this post, I'd like to report that Spencer and I had a great week; he went all during the work week without drinking, and we've had a lot of fun, and today some hot sex, while Cary watched on cam...'couldn't ask for more except maybe for Cary to be with us...and it was topped off with a trip to our favorite Mexican restaurant. Now that's a beautiful day!
Returning to the topic of some of our first experiences: after all our discussions about what we might like to try, we decided to attend our first swingers' "social" just to check things out.
Spencer had joined some online groups and contacted a husband and wife who hosted regular socials in a nearby town. After a few emails back and forth in which they cleared us to attend, we were give the time and place for the event. Yes, even swingers have a vetting process.
It was probably obvious that it was our first time, and we both felt like green newbies, being pretty much looked over like fresh meat by a lot of the attendees. However we were warmly welcomed by an older couple and sat with them for most of the evening.
I could tell this Mrs. would have liked to have bonked Spencer right away, and for the age difference, she was kinda' on the hot side, but we just weren't ready. In total truth, besides the younger couple we met later, she was probably one of the hotter/classier women there -- I'm afraid most of the other women, barring just a few, were quite overweight and not the most attractive, and the same goes for many of the men.
I'm sure it sounds judgmental, but when it comes to having sex, or making love, there needs to be some physcial attraction. We're not model quality but when someone has "let themselves go" it shows.
We were introduced to a couple younger than us, the wife of the couple being bi and really attractive and nicely plump. I danced with her, which was cool, especially knowing lots of eyes were on us.
This social took place at a hotel and we were invited back to the room of the younger couple, though we still weren't ready for anything physical. We all four talked for awhile, Spencer giving her a neck massage, and her husband giving me one. Before leaving I kissed her on the mouth, and also her husband, and then Spencer kissed her. So far all had gone smoothly, with no pressure on either of us and no real jealousies to speak of...until Spencer kissed her on the forehead.
For some reason this bothered me more than a full-on mouth kiss, I think because it was a tender gesture, and I believed that it should be reserved only for me.
I think we didn't talk too much on the way home but when we finally crawled into bed, I cried, and Spencer held me, and I admitted that this kiss really bothered and hurt me.
We were both a little surprised that such an innocent action could elicit as strong a response from me as it did, but we talked it out, beginning our journey down a road of "alternative" experiences and a deepening relationship.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Balance
Sunday I was hoping to get with Cary and have a back-seat fling, however as we were chatting I revealed that it'd been almost a month since Spencer and I had made love. His reply: "Holy Shit!"
And then he made a sensible suggestion: he asked me to restore balance and harmony in the Universe and make love to Spencer, before he (Cary) and I do again.
It made me feel good that he was considering Spencer (not too many guys would turn down sex to make sure someone else got it -- is it a form of fraternal compersion?), and it was a reminder that Spencer is my primary, in sex and love.
Not that I don't know or feel that, but like I said to Cary, it's true that often Spencer and I are so drained with day-to-day life and worries that we forget to look at each other as lovers.
I did make love to Spencer -- well, really, he made love to me -- it'd been a long time since we did missionary, and it was lovely. I felt so warm and cocooned in his arms.
But then I did use the Magic Wand while Spencer caught his breath -- and that was a sweet ending to long-overdue lovemaking.
--Pym
And then he made a sensible suggestion: he asked me to restore balance and harmony in the Universe and make love to Spencer, before he (Cary) and I do again.
It made me feel good that he was considering Spencer (not too many guys would turn down sex to make sure someone else got it -- is it a form of fraternal compersion?), and it was a reminder that Spencer is my primary, in sex and love.
Not that I don't know or feel that, but like I said to Cary, it's true that often Spencer and I are so drained with day-to-day life and worries that we forget to look at each other as lovers.
I did make love to Spencer -- well, really, he made love to me -- it'd been a long time since we did missionary, and it was lovely. I felt so warm and cocooned in his arms.
But then I did use the Magic Wand while Spencer caught his breath -- and that was a sweet ending to long-overdue lovemaking.
--Pym
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Should I be worried?
It's been a month since I've seen Cary and we've made love. We're still texting but not quite as often, and with fewer of the endearments of "baby" and "I miss you and love you."
I do realize he's very busy; he has a family and a profession...I'm just missing the positive feedback...and if it is the case that he wishes to wind down our relationship, I would like to know.
I'm not feeling as hurt as I thought I might be when he does eventually move on; mainly curious as to if we're going to proceed, and if not, if it's the result of something specific.
Of course, I could be reading more into this perceived distance than it actually means; it probably means that he's just busy with his life.
On the other hand, Spencer and I have had a nice weekend so far. We're both too low-energy for sex, but have enjoyed just being together, reading, shopping, puttering around the house...sweetly low-key, sane, and boring...I love it.
I do realize he's very busy; he has a family and a profession...I'm just missing the positive feedback...and if it is the case that he wishes to wind down our relationship, I would like to know.
I'm not feeling as hurt as I thought I might be when he does eventually move on; mainly curious as to if we're going to proceed, and if not, if it's the result of something specific.
Of course, I could be reading more into this perceived distance than it actually means; it probably means that he's just busy with his life.
On the other hand, Spencer and I have had a nice weekend so far. We're both too low-energy for sex, but have enjoyed just being together, reading, shopping, puttering around the house...sweetly low-key, sane, and boring...I love it.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Steps in the Right Direction
This morning we experienced what I like to call a breakthrough. I had my usual counseling session but arranged to bring Spencer along, and I believe he got something positive out of it.
The counselor was a guy a bit younger than us but who seemed to really understand where Spencer was coming from. And I think, after a little initial awkwardness, Spencer felt comfortable talking about some important issues.
I told him how proud I am of him that he's making this effort and is willing to work on things. And as I know he's not the only one, I'm also willing to work on my issues that affect him and us.
In a sort-of-related aside, I am so thankful to have the insurance coverage to pay for my psychiatric and counseling sessions. In this country, mental health issues take a back seat to "physical" ailments, but so many aspects of our lives hinge on our mental health. Virtually all aspects. How else could we function day to day? And it's a true shame that affordable care isn't more readily available. *stepping down from soapbox*
--Pym
The counselor was a guy a bit younger than us but who seemed to really understand where Spencer was coming from. And I think, after a little initial awkwardness, Spencer felt comfortable talking about some important issues.
I told him how proud I am of him that he's making this effort and is willing to work on things. And as I know he's not the only one, I'm also willing to work on my issues that affect him and us.
In a sort-of-related aside, I am so thankful to have the insurance coverage to pay for my psychiatric and counseling sessions. In this country, mental health issues take a back seat to "physical" ailments, but so many aspects of our lives hinge on our mental health. Virtually all aspects. How else could we function day to day? And it's a true shame that affordable care isn't more readily available. *stepping down from soapbox*
--Pym
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Haiku
I must share this all-too-flattering haiku written by a friend, Huxley:
Meek exterior
Disguises saucy temptress
Dat booty be fine
I laughed out loud and surely blushed when I read it, but I love it!
Thank you, Huxley,
--Pym
Meek exterior
Disguises saucy temptress
Dat booty be fine
I laughed out loud and surely blushed when I read it, but I love it!
Thank you, Huxley,
--Pym
Saturday, January 16, 2010
First Experiences, Part 1
I'm trying to think back to our earliest experiences and experiments in our lifestyle. To include everything, I'd have to go back all the way to our first date.
The date included only we two, but for some reason Spencer thought it appropriate to show a video of a naked woman wallowing on his [clothed] lap. There is a story behind the video, but to this day Spencer remarks, "I can't believe I showed that to you on our first date."
The footage was actually audition footage of the woman's tryout for a friend's movie. Apparently it was "anything goes" for her and she gamely took off her clothes to enhance her audition. Spencer, being the co-director, got to be her straight man, so to speak.
Call me a lugnut, but I thought the video quite funny, especially seeing Spencer's uncomfortable posturing, not sure how to react to this spontaneous gift of naked womanhood, literally plopping into his lap. As talkative as he is about sex, he can be a shy boy when it comes down to real interaction, and the discomfort on his face was charming to me.
Even on that first date, just sitting on the floor in his apartment living room and talking for hours, we discussed how we felt about open "relationshipping". I hadn't yet told him [I was to admit it sometime during the night] that I had cheated in my marriage that had ended the year before, so honest non-monogamy was something I wasn't opposed to, though I'd never heard the word polyamorous.
Later that night we went back to my apartment with a 6-pack. To me the drinking was just a bit of cutting loose on a Friday night--I didn't know it'd become a way of life--but at the time it was a blast. We drank and sang and went to bed, and talked about all kinds of things. During the night I cried and told him what I did in my first marriage, and he told me it was okay. Finally we made love, and we've been together ever since, sharing lots of love, some hurts and losses, but no regrets.
The date included only we two, but for some reason Spencer thought it appropriate to show a video of a naked woman wallowing on his [clothed] lap. There is a story behind the video, but to this day Spencer remarks, "I can't believe I showed that to you on our first date."
The footage was actually audition footage of the woman's tryout for a friend's movie. Apparently it was "anything goes" for her and she gamely took off her clothes to enhance her audition. Spencer, being the co-director, got to be her straight man, so to speak.
Call me a lugnut, but I thought the video quite funny, especially seeing Spencer's uncomfortable posturing, not sure how to react to this spontaneous gift of naked womanhood, literally plopping into his lap. As talkative as he is about sex, he can be a shy boy when it comes down to real interaction, and the discomfort on his face was charming to me.
Even on that first date, just sitting on the floor in his apartment living room and talking for hours, we discussed how we felt about open "relationshipping". I hadn't yet told him [I was to admit it sometime during the night] that I had cheated in my marriage that had ended the year before, so honest non-monogamy was something I wasn't opposed to, though I'd never heard the word polyamorous.
Later that night we went back to my apartment with a 6-pack. To me the drinking was just a bit of cutting loose on a Friday night--I didn't know it'd become a way of life--but at the time it was a blast. We drank and sang and went to bed, and talked about all kinds of things. During the night I cried and told him what I did in my first marriage, and he told me it was okay. Finally we made love, and we've been together ever since, sharing lots of love, some hurts and losses, but no regrets.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Off permanently, it seems
The visit to Amanda by her ex-boyfriend appears to have been the death knell for hers and Spencer's relationship. That really wasn't the only reason they've broken up but the accompanying baggage tipped it over the edge.
Being in the middle I can see points of view held by both. Spencer was hurt that he wasn't asked how he'd feel if Amanda and [we'll call him] Gig had sex while he visited, but was just told that it would most likely happen.
I'm guessing that Amanda, wanting to reconnect with someone who could potentially be her primary, probably didn't want to be discouraged from having sex with Gig, nor have to deal with someone else's jealousy.
Spencer was hurt that Amanda now admits when she said she loved him, she didn't mean it that way, as in in love. That's a hurt I can empathize with, though I don't believe she meant to hurt Spencer intentionally.
Through this, all I can do is support and love my Spencer, and stay a supportive friend of Amanda.
Spencer remains encouraging of my relationship with Cary, and I appreciate that.
And on a somewhat different note, I was sent links by a friend to a couple naturalist/nudist/clothing optional resorts. It's too cold now, but visiting one has been a goal of ours for quite awhile, and maybe planning a trip will give Spencer something to look forward to.
Being in the middle I can see points of view held by both. Spencer was hurt that he wasn't asked how he'd feel if Amanda and [we'll call him] Gig had sex while he visited, but was just told that it would most likely happen.
I'm guessing that Amanda, wanting to reconnect with someone who could potentially be her primary, probably didn't want to be discouraged from having sex with Gig, nor have to deal with someone else's jealousy.
Spencer was hurt that Amanda now admits when she said she loved him, she didn't mean it that way, as in in love. That's a hurt I can empathize with, though I don't believe she meant to hurt Spencer intentionally.
Through this, all I can do is support and love my Spencer, and stay a supportive friend of Amanda.
Spencer remains encouraging of my relationship with Cary, and I appreciate that.
And on a somewhat different note, I was sent links by a friend to a couple naturalist/nudist/clothing optional resorts. It's too cold now, but visiting one has been a goal of ours for quite awhile, and maybe planning a trip will give Spencer something to look forward to.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Off Again, On Again
Over the holidays Amanda and Spencer broke up, but it appears now it's back on. This isn't their first breakup--I felt sure it wouldn't last--and not surprisingly, they talked some things out yesterday and are back to seeing each other.
The next hitch is that Amanda is having an ex-boyfriend visit in town for a few days, a visit that may lead to intimacy between them, so it's going to be a test of Spencer's powers of being poly outside of what we four, five if we count Cary's wife, have established.
...But then, Cary's wife has a boyfriend, and whether he has a girlfriend other than her, we aren't sure...and if he does, then that girlfriend may have a significant other...
We'll all just have to communicate as best we can, and get tested for stds if we're uncomfortable, to keep these relationships on a safe, adult level. But the more I analyze the connections, the more it seems we live in a '70s Breck shampoo commercial...
The next hitch is that Amanda is having an ex-boyfriend visit in town for a few days, a visit that may lead to intimacy between them, so it's going to be a test of Spencer's powers of being poly outside of what we four, five if we count Cary's wife, have established.
...But then, Cary's wife has a boyfriend, and whether he has a girlfriend other than her, we aren't sure...and if he does, then that girlfriend may have a significant other...
We'll all just have to communicate as best we can, and get tested for stds if we're uncomfortable, to keep these relationships on a safe, adult level. But the more I analyze the connections, the more it seems we live in a '70s Breck shampoo commercial...
Saturday, January 2, 2010
New Year's Revelations
The first day of my new year I spent in self-inflicted agony after consuming a bottle of white zinfandel and a bottle of pink champagne New Year's Eve...which brings back the question: is Spencer the only one with the drinking problem? I don't want to answer it today, but it is something to think about.
Today's the second day into the new year, and I'm feeling miles better; but now Spencer is down for the count with a cold. It's my turn to care for him as he cared for me yesterday. He was kinder to me in my hungover state than I would have been to him, I admit.
We're doing some much-needed cleaning around our house, including going through years of papers belonging to us and to his recently deceased mom. Shredding and plowing through all this stuff is cathartic.
Something else that was cathartic for Spencer was, on New Year's Eve, while blazing drunk, he kept muttering "I've done you wrong, I've done you wrong." Of course one can't say that and not expect the other person to keep prying as to "what is it you've done??" Being that I was also three sheets to the wind, I figured I wasn't going to care much whatever it was.
It turns out that, before we were actually married but after we'd become a couple, Spencer had some sexual exploits about which I was not informed. He says he cheated but as we weren't married yet, I can't use as strong a word. And since I'd out-and-out cheated in my first marriage, I don't have much of a leg to stand on anyway. I'm just truly glad that he feels better for having told me. And really the timing couldn't have been better seeing as how I was happily toasted at the time of the revelation.
I'm oddly not mad at all. We've been married a few years now and anything before seems so long ago anyway. I did take the opportunity while the air was being cleared to tell Spencer about a couple instances in which Cary and I performed acts I wasn't forthcoming about myself. Spencer knows of all the times when Cary and I have met, but I didn't feel I could reveal that a) Cary and I did anal and b) I swallowed [well at least 75% of it] once with Cary; things that I hadn't done with Spencer in a long time, and I thought it would hurt his feelings that I did these things with someone else.
So those instances are off my chest, and now, too, I've revealed this blog to Spencer. He can read it all he wants, but if he gets angry at my honesty and wants to vent, he can get his own blog.
We'll have to think of a suitable acronym for him: PAYMANDS? Polyamorous Alcoholic Yankee Married to an Anxious Neurotic in the Deep South?
Today's the second day into the new year, and I'm feeling miles better; but now Spencer is down for the count with a cold. It's my turn to care for him as he cared for me yesterday. He was kinder to me in my hungover state than I would have been to him, I admit.
We're doing some much-needed cleaning around our house, including going through years of papers belonging to us and to his recently deceased mom. Shredding and plowing through all this stuff is cathartic.
Something else that was cathartic for Spencer was, on New Year's Eve, while blazing drunk, he kept muttering "I've done you wrong, I've done you wrong." Of course one can't say that and not expect the other person to keep prying as to "what is it you've done??" Being that I was also three sheets to the wind, I figured I wasn't going to care much whatever it was.
It turns out that, before we were actually married but after we'd become a couple, Spencer had some sexual exploits about which I was not informed. He says he cheated but as we weren't married yet, I can't use as strong a word. And since I'd out-and-out cheated in my first marriage, I don't have much of a leg to stand on anyway. I'm just truly glad that he feels better for having told me. And really the timing couldn't have been better seeing as how I was happily toasted at the time of the revelation.
I'm oddly not mad at all. We've been married a few years now and anything before seems so long ago anyway. I did take the opportunity while the air was being cleared to tell Spencer about a couple instances in which Cary and I performed acts I wasn't forthcoming about myself. Spencer knows of all the times when Cary and I have met, but I didn't feel I could reveal that a) Cary and I did anal and b) I swallowed [well at least 75% of it] once with Cary; things that I hadn't done with Spencer in a long time, and I thought it would hurt his feelings that I did these things with someone else.
So those instances are off my chest, and now, too, I've revealed this blog to Spencer. He can read it all he wants, but if he gets angry at my honesty and wants to vent, he can get his own blog.
We'll have to think of a suitable acronym for him: PAYMANDS? Polyamorous Alcoholic Yankee Married to an Anxious Neurotic in the Deep South?
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Stump
I do rather get tired of feeling the stump of my neck for my head, after it's been bitten off...especially when I've done exactly what I said I'd do for someone, and they just hadn't noticed yet...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)