One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest

Today I just got back from a Girl Night Out at a local hotel, and I must say: IT WAS HEAVENLY!

Precipitating my one-night departure were a couple things: Spencer was on his fourth night of binge-drinking, one of which had us in an awful row, and I needed to get away before we rolled back in to another argument; I'd gotten a bit of a bonus from work and wanted to splurge a little on me; I'd recently had a minor outpatient medical procedure but hadn't gotten much rest to recover; and it might provide an opportunity to see Cary in luxurious surroundings [it did *grinning wickedly*].

Spencer was quite obliging to my needs, saying it was probably a good idea. [He's going to his alcohol rehab assessment in a week and a half, and said these past four nights were his "last hurrah" and that I should have my own good time, agreeing I should invite Cary. He's also experiencing some major pain from--we think--sciatica, and he'll be going to a chiropractor next week, but it makes him waaay cranky and difficult to be around; even he says so lol].

So, it was time to take off for an afternoon of relaxation: I grabbed a couple books, loaded up on snacks [Oreos, nuts, jalapeno chips, a caramel apple, bottle of wine] and checked in. I'd been keeping in contact with Cary since I'd gotten the idea to get a room, and he thought he'd be able to come meet me.

Shortly after I checked in and took a quick shower, he got to come over; and we had a wonderful time! We pretty much exhausted ourselves with one thing and another *wink* and then wallowed on the king size bed afterwards, having conversation and even nodding off together.

Cary's been under some stresses of his own and needed attention and pampering, too, so I was honored to be able to share my excursion with him. I'd have done the Girl Night Out thing regardless if he could have made it or not, but him coming [insert double entendre here] was a super bonus! I also gave him the extra room key in case he could come back later, but alas, it was not to be.

However, I did my own wallowing on the bed, watching cable [we don't subscribe to it at home--we're too cheap lol], eating, sipping some wine, and reading. Oh, and showering! That was one of the best showers I've ever experienced in a hotel room, and the soap scent was out-of-this-world! I took 5, count 'em FIVE, showers over a 21-hour period! It all may sound a bit excessive and wasteful, but I considered this "time out" as an investment in my mental health! Heck, if I'd been hospitalized for a week [I was heading in that direction], think of all the resources that would consume. That's how I look at it anyway ;O)

And I'll do it again the next time I'm able; I'm signed up at the hotel reservation web site for "Tenth Night is Free" and I'll be signing up for the individual hotel's rewards program--I'm gonna milk this getaway option for all it's worth: and it's worth more than I can say.

One other thing I wanted to mention was the interesting dream I had while there: I dreamt that Spencer and I joined a "pod" of polyamorous couples and their children. It truly gave me a warm feeling of acceptance and love from everybody, especially the other women. But in another way, it also seemed to narrow down what I think I want from a polyamorous relationship [weird how these things happen in your sleep; and as an aside, I think I had this dream because I kept seeing commercials for Sister Wives on TLC, which I haven't been able to watch yet, and--here's the kicker--I watched part of a documentary on the Manson Family! It was a big yikes, but it also seemed that if Manson hadn't been bat-shit crazy, or if the others on the ranch {supposedly there were a dozen adults and several children all residing there} had ridden him out on a rail, living with a group of people communally could be an idyllic and beautiful way to live...but, I digress]. Even though it was a satisfying experience in the dream to be pod-joined, and Spencer and I would both have other partners, my dream-self decided that I really wanted to be Spencer's primary. I didn't want other women [or other men in my case] to be on the same level of commitment as we were to each other.

I guess in other words, it was fine to be in love with others, but I still wanted us to be each others' number one and "special" mate. We could even live with another couple and exchange partners, but they would be one-anothers' primary mates and the same for us.

Have I gone and made this totally confusing? Am I over-analyzing? Does this make sense to others of you in polyamorous lifestyles? In your opinion does the framework I've described still meet your definition of polyamory?

I'd love to hear any comments or discussion!
Thanks for taking time to read what I think is my longest-post-ever lol

~Pym

The First Love Part III

We left off in The First Love Part II with Spencer and I meeting another couple named George and Hillary. Our first error there, I'd say, was meeting them on a swinging site. That didn't make them or their lifestyle bad, but it should have been an indication that they weren't looking for the same thing(s) we were, and our philosophies on "sharing" were going to be a lot different.

We initially met at a restaurant, and hit it off quite well. They were just a smidge older than us, but were physically attractive, funny and intelligent, and down to earth, with a nice family. And they weren't from the South, which gave us even more in common.

When I met George, I felt an attraction almost right away. He was just so cute, kinda' goofy, and I loved his eyes. He kept saying he loved my hair and was wanting to pet it, and said he'd love to help me wash it. [I hope that didn't mean he thought it needed washing.]

We all talked for quite awhile, had some beers, flirted with each other, and then decided to go back to our place to check on our doggy, who's health wasn't so good and couldn't be left alone too long.

At our place [someone got more beer on the way] we drank and laughed more, and things started to get a bit physical. Actually I thought Spencer and Hillary were ahead of us in that department. I could see them smooching some already. Mostly while that was going on, George and I were snuggling on the couch, and he kept saying "I'm the luckiest man alive" and he'd kiss me and we'd snuggle closer. I'm not sure why we had made that connection, but it definitely was there.

Spencer and Hillary went out onto the balcony [I think for Hillary to try to blow him in the dark out there] while George and I stayed on the couch. I was sure Spencer and Hillary were going to "do it" so I felt justified in moving on with George. Sooo, to Spencer's surprise, when he and Hillary came back into the apartment, George and I were engaged in making love on the living room floor!

Spencer wasn't upset, but was started. Hillary wasn't upset because they're swingers and used to spontaneous sex. George and I on the other hand were feeling much more emotional about the whole thing than we let on. He kept saying how sweet I was, and how next time we got together he'd make sure it was something special, "I promise." We were already smitten with each other though our spouses weren't the wiser.

As it turned out, Spencer and Hillary didn't go very far physically after all [Spencer had drank too much] so it was me who had thrown aside the reins and taken off on my own, with some emotional consequences still to come.

~Pym

The First Love, Part II

The day that Spencer and Judith had arranged to have their first sexual encounter, I'd arranged to go to the movies [I remember it was Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy] with a platonic guy friend of mine. He apparently didn't notice how nervous and shaky I was the whole time, thinking of what Spencer was doing at home.

I believe I was intellectually ready -- most of us in this lifestyle say we are -- but the actual leap from an academic discussion of poly to going the full step of caring penetration with another is just that, a leap -- of trust, and faith -- me trusting that Spencer won't go too far emotionally, and he trusting me that I won't in the end wig out.

Well, I didn't wig out, and though it was a difficult step, I was glad that Spencer and Judith had a good time together. It was a feeling of compersion for two people I genuinely cared about and loved.

The problem started with Spencer's growing love for Judith growing into an almost obsession with Judith. Wanting to know if I'd talked to her; she didn't write him back right away, is she off him or ignoring him? Is she talking to other guys? Calling her at her work when he should have been calling me at mine. Yes, after several months of this, I got jealous, and sometimes downright mad.

Spencer does have a habit of latching on to a relationship and nearly driving it into the ground; it's something he's working on now, but back then, I was sick of it. If I heard her name once more I was going to scream!

Eventually, because of conflicts brought on by Spencer's modus operandi, and because of other things on Judith's part, they did go separate ways. I had to say I was relieved, though there was the continual questioning of me if I'd talked to her or seen her and if she asked about Spencer.

Soon however, the tables were going to be turned after we met a couple through Swing Lifestyle, George and Hillary.

And did I ever fall for George.

~Pym

The First Love, Part I

After writing about our initial breaking-in experience with Sydney, I had to have Spencer jog my memory of what came next [it has been a few years]. It seems that because of how the situation made me feel, we didn't attempt much active searching for "adult" friends for awhile.

In the meantime he kept up our online accounts like Adult Friend Finder and Swing Lifestyle [mentions are not to be construed as an endorsement ;O) ] and we continued to discuss what it is we wanted out of an open relationship.

I think still at that point we hadn't hit upon the word polyamory, or we'd only just begun to learn about it. We did think we knew what we didn't want and that was shallow, anonymous sex; we wanted to at least care for and have a friendship with someone if we were going to have sex with them. However we didn't yet discuss how we'd deal with it if one of us actually fell in love with another person.

Until it happened.

Spencer had at that time caught back up with a friend, Judith--now married--from his old high school. I became close to her, too, and she became pretty much a best girlfriend to me. She and Spencer felt comfortable flirting and with time she seemed more and more open to it, especially via email. She also began relaying to Spencer how "un-sexual" her marriage was, and some of the downright nasty things her husband was saying to her about her body. In time, she and Spencer grew closer, and they decided to move on sexually.

Now, I do say that I/we don't want to help spouses cheat, but hearing about the almost verbally-abusive situation she was in [at least hearing it from her side], and counting on them knowing the risks involved, I gave my blessing to them.

And even though Spencer and I talked things out beforehand [though not she and I, which in hindsight may have helped me], and intellectually I was ready, letting the two of them have sex was one of the most difficult things I'd ever done.

~Pym

Still here

Yes, Spencer and I are still here! It seems like it's been awhile since I've posted, but in a way it's good because we've been busy with productive things. Lots of pleasure reading, doing things around the house [especially yard work], and spending enriching time together. Spencer is working hard on tapering his drinking and I can see an improvement and give him my heartfelt thanks for trying! I've also gotten to have some wonderful extra time with Cary -- once meeting for a daytime skyclad encounter, on the grass in his fenced-in yard -- oh my that was delicious! [While we were lying there a low-flying plane came overhead and I wondered if they could see us? *smile*] Also, I thank Spencer for giving me the gift of being able to share times like that with someone else that I love. As for Spencer, he's really missing Amanda, but I guess they both know that somehow they cannot get over their communication problems and constant bickering. I hope that after this "hump" of hard feelings, they can still come back together as friends. Spencer is actively looking for someone with alternative spiritual leanings and a tolerance for someone working on an addiction...on that note, if anyone is interested in corresponding with Spencer, do contact me and I'll do my best to introduce you!
~Pym

Just For Fun

I was wondering if anyone had their own names for sexual positions they do with partners -- as in something you did spontaneously and gave a name to later?

Here are ours [so far], named after the motel/hotels in which they occurred, with a brief description of position:

1) The Gold Strike: me on bathroom counter, Spencer and I facing each other, my back up to mirror, I should've worn a helmet

2) The Motel 6: me leaning over bathroom counter, Spencer getting me "doggy style", hurt to walk for to 2 days [seriously]

3) The Sam's Town: it's why there are luggage racks in hotel rooms; that's all I'm gonna say...

We hope to make more memories, but feel free to share some of yours! ;O)

--Pym

First Experiences, Part II

As a foreword to this post, I'd like to report that Spencer and I had a great week; he went all during the work week without drinking, and we've had a lot of fun, and today some hot sex, while Cary watched on cam...'couldn't ask for more except maybe for Cary to be with us...and it was topped off with a trip to our favorite Mexican restaurant. Now that's a beautiful day!

Returning to the topic of some of our first experiences: after all our discussions about what we might like to try, we decided to attend our first swingers' "social" just to check things out.

Spencer had joined some online groups and contacted a husband and wife who hosted regular socials in a nearby town. After a few emails back and forth in which they cleared us to attend, we were give the time and place for the event. Yes, even swingers have a vetting process.

It was probably obvious that it was our first time, and we both felt like green newbies, being pretty much looked over like fresh meat by a lot of the attendees. However we were warmly welcomed by an older couple and sat with them for most of the evening.

I could tell this Mrs. would have liked to have bonked Spencer right away, and for the age difference, she was kinda' on the hot side, but we just weren't ready. In total truth, besides the younger couple we met later, she was probably one of the hotter/classier women there -- I'm afraid most of the other women, barring just a few, were quite overweight and not the most attractive, and the same goes for many of the men.

I'm sure it sounds judgmental, but when it comes to having sex, or making love, there needs to be some physcial attraction. We're not model quality but when someone has "let themselves go" it shows.

We were introduced to a couple younger than us, the wife of the couple being bi and really attractive and nicely plump. I danced with her, which was cool, especially knowing lots of eyes were on us.

This social took place at a hotel and we were invited back to the room of the younger couple, though we still weren't ready for anything physical. We all four talked for awhile, Spencer giving her a neck massage, and her husband giving me one. Before leaving I kissed her on the mouth, and also her husband, and then Spencer kissed her. So far all had gone smoothly, with no pressure on either of us and no real jealousies to speak of...until Spencer kissed her on the forehead.

For some reason this bothered me more than a full-on mouth kiss, I think because it was a tender gesture, and I believed that it should be reserved only for me.

I think we didn't talk too much on the way home but when we finally crawled into bed, I cried, and Spencer held me, and I admitted that this kiss really bothered and hurt me.

We were both a little surprised that such an innocent action could elicit as strong a response from me as it did, but we talked it out, beginning our journey down a road of "alternative" experiences and a deepening relationship.

Balance

Sunday I was hoping to get with Cary and have a back-seat fling, however as we were chatting I revealed that it'd been almost a month since Spencer and I had made love. His reply: "Holy Shit!"

And then he made a sensible suggestion: he asked me to restore balance and harmony in the Universe and make love to Spencer, before he (Cary) and I do again.

It made me feel good that he was considering Spencer (not too many guys would turn down sex to make sure someone else got it -- is it a form of fraternal compersion?), and it was a reminder that Spencer is my primary, in sex and love.

Not that I don't know or feel that, but like I said to Cary, it's true that often Spencer and I are so drained with day-to-day life and worries that we forget to look at each other as lovers.

I did make love to Spencer -- well, really, he made love to me -- it'd been a long time since we did missionary, and it was lovely. I felt so warm and cocooned in his arms.

But then I did use the Magic Wand while Spencer caught his breath -- and that was a sweet ending to long-overdue lovemaking.

--Pym

Off permanently, it seems

The visit to Amanda by her ex-boyfriend appears to have been the death knell for hers and Spencer's relationship. That really wasn't the only reason they've broken up but the accompanying baggage tipped it over the edge.

Being in the middle I can see points of view held by both. Spencer was hurt that he wasn't asked how he'd feel if Amanda and [we'll call him] Gig had sex while he visited, but was just told that it would most likely happen.

I'm guessing that Amanda, wanting to reconnect with someone who could potentially be her primary, probably didn't want to be discouraged from having sex with Gig, nor have to deal with someone else's jealousy.

Spencer was hurt that Amanda now admits when she said she loved him, she didn't mean it that way, as in in love. That's a hurt I can empathize with, though I don't believe she meant to hurt Spencer intentionally.

Through this, all I can do is support and love my Spencer, and stay a supportive friend of Amanda.

Spencer remains encouraging of my relationship with Cary, and I appreciate that.

And on a somewhat different note, I was sent links by a friend to a couple naturalist/nudist/clothing optional resorts. It's too cold now, but visiting one has been a goal of ours for quite awhile, and maybe planning a trip will give Spencer something to look forward to.

New Year's Revelations

The first day of my new year I spent in self-inflicted agony after consuming a bottle of white zinfandel and a bottle of pink champagne New Year's Eve...which brings back the question: is Spencer the only one with the drinking problem? I don't want to answer it today, but it is something to think about.

Today's the second day into the new year, and I'm feeling miles better; but now Spencer is down for the count with a cold. It's my turn to care for him as he cared for me yesterday. He was kinder to me in my hungover state than I would have been to him, I admit.

We're doing some much-needed cleaning around our house, including going through years of papers belonging to us and to his recently deceased mom. Shredding and plowing through all this stuff is cathartic.

Something else that was cathartic for Spencer was, on New Year's Eve, while blazing drunk, he kept muttering "I've done you wrong, I've done you wrong." Of course one can't say that and not expect the other person to keep prying as to "what is it you've done??" Being that I was also three sheets to the wind, I figured I wasn't going to care much whatever it was.

It turns out that, before we were actually married but after we'd become a couple, Spencer had some sexual exploits about which I was not informed. He says he cheated but as we weren't married yet, I can't use as strong a word. And since I'd out-and-out cheated in my first marriage, I don't have much of a leg to stand on anyway. I'm just truly glad that he feels better for having told me. And really the timing couldn't have been better seeing as how I was happily toasted at the time of the revelation.

I'm oddly not mad at all. We've been married a few years now and anything before seems so long ago anyway. I did take the opportunity while the air was being cleared to tell Spencer about a couple instances in which Cary and I performed acts I wasn't forthcoming about myself. Spencer knows of all the times when Cary and I have met, but I didn't feel I could reveal that a) Cary and I did anal and b) I swallowed [well at least 75% of it] once with Cary; things that I hadn't done with Spencer in a long time, and I thought it would hurt his feelings that I did these things with someone else.

So those instances are off my chest, and now, too, I've revealed this blog to Spencer. He can read it all he wants, but if he gets angry at my honesty and wants to vent, he can get his own blog.

We'll have to think of a suitable acronym for him: PAYMANDS? Polyamorous Alcoholic Yankee Married to an Anxious Neurotic in the Deep South?

Cary and Amanda

How did I meet Cary, and Spencer meet Amanda?

It's taken years for Spencer and me to get to this point. We've each had other relationships since we've been together and either gotten hurt, or Spencer pissed 'em off in a drunken stupor.

In another post I'll start telling those tales from our early experiments, but since Cary and Amanda are our most recent lovers, and very important to us, I'll begin with them.

Amanda is connected with my job [I won't get too detailed for reasons of discretion] but through me is how Spencer met her. He's incredibly flirtatious and if he gets a response he's off and running. And finding Amanda on the same friendship/dating site where we have profiles gave him an opening to strike up more daring flirtations and see where it would lead.

I can't say I even remember when they first got together, but apparently they are very sexually compatible [she's kinkier than I...and she swallows]. However they also have communication issues. Worse even than he and I do. I'm just not sure why they have trouble getting along, or why they've bothered staying together for this long. Maybe they're too much like one another or never learned good communication skills; I can't figure it out. Neither can they, as they just had a cyber-argument this afternoon. Sometimes I do wish they'd amicably part and move on, only so I wouldn't have to referee so much.

And I do really love Amanda as a friend. She's been a listening ear to me when Spencer and I have had difficulties. And she's had a taste of dealing with his alcoholism when he's over done it at her place. I admit it is sometimes hard to keep a conversation going with her though, and that's not for lack of smarts on her part -- she's super smart -- but it's always the brainy ones that it's hard to communicate with. They're probably already way ahead of the rest of us and thinking of something else already.

Cary is someone I've known for years as an acquaintance, but never knew he and his wife had open interests. Several times Spencer and I would see him and we'd all talk, and his and my eyes would meet and I'd think...oh, God, I wonder if I'd ever be so lucky as to do "it" with him. His eyes would often show interest, but I couldn't take the chance to [figuratively] feel things out.

Over a year later, though, I found him on the same site we'd seen Amanda and I took a risk of severely embarrassing myself and friended him. A few initial emails built up into instant messaging, and us meeting him and his wife for dinner. Spencer didn't seem to hit it off with Cary's wife, but Cary and I have built up a friendship and quite a hot and steamy sex life, with a side order of kink and a heavy dollop of love.

He's introduced me to experiences that were totally new to me, as well as spiritual, in the way of sacred sex. Next I hope he can show me some Tantra. Even sexting is great with him...and as my cell has a vibration setting, I may never look at my phone in the same way again.

--Pym

PYMADS, or, Call me Pym

PYMADS stands for: Polyamorous Yankee Married to an Alcoholic in the Deep South...or I'll go by Pym for short...hence Pym's Escape.

I'm in love with two men, neither who yet knows I'm blogging, though it's not just about them. Somehow, as a Yankee I've ended up in the Deep South, married to another exile from the North who happens to be an alcoholic.

I'll call him Spencer, [names will be changed for CYA purposes] NOT after that milque-toast pseudo-celebrity, but after the Spencer Tracy/Kate Hepburn love affair: equal-minded, intelligent souls involved in unconventional love, and he a raging alcoholic or so I've heard. Doomed somehow, but timeless. If only I looked like her...

I'm married to and in love with Spencer, a handsome troubled soul, who is loving and solicitous to me, and has the libido of [his favorite phrase]: a "three-balled Tomcat". From the first, though our new sex-life was exceptional, we knew we would be an unconventional couple, and though we didn't know the word yet: polyamorous. I had strayed in a past marriage and swore I would never do it again. Knowing how much we both enjoy physical loving intimacy, and knowing a human-being's penchant to not be monogamous, we were honest from the beginning that we'd eventually take the open marriage route.

We dabbled in "swinging" and realized it wasn't for us. Too loose and free for us and too hurtful, as we'd develop feelings for others who wanted only the physical. We started looking into polyamory, of which there are almost infinite degrees. Into that philosophy of love and life we've carved our own little niche.

I realize most people would think that all this dabbling would be a death-knell to a marriage. Actually the polyamory has been a blessed outlet for us both. It's the least cause of tension in our marriage. That honor goes to alcoholism.

Spencer didn't start drinking until his early 20s, which makes me think, if he made it all through his teen years without drinking, why even start?? But his traumatic childhood and genetics caught up with him, and now he has this one more demon on his back. It's a strong reason why our polyamory gives us both an escape from day-to-day responsibilities. And me an escape from the drunkenness.

He's a wonderful person, Spencer, and when sober is my soul-mated Dr. Jekyll...when drunk, a raving Mr. Hyde. How do I deal with it? Mostly with love, some Al-Anon meetings, support from Spencer's girlfriend Amanda [more on her in another post], friends, now-thin patience, xanax, port, and Cary: the other man I love.

Cary's marriage is also an open one, though I'm not convinced it's without some problems of its own. I try to not press him for any details; I just want to be his escape as he's mine. I try to not let him know of the "drama" in my life, though I'm sure he does. I feel like the less baggage I bring into our relationship, the longer it will last. He's sweet and soft, very sexual but also very shy. I liken Spencer to a thick multi-layered devil's food cake; Cary is the lickable butter-cream frosting on top...more tenuous in structure, but I could bathe in a vat of that frosting.

Have I stayed on my opening topic? I am a PYMADS who is trying to stay sane in a still-somewhat-strange, judgmental culture. But it's all life, isn't it? Love, life, sharing, compassion, paychecks and bootstraps. And xanax.