A couple things have been going on lately to give me some extra stress, and Spencer will be happy to know that they're not because of anything he's done lol -- at least not directly.
First off, Spencer has cut ties with Kip, his drinking buddy. A toxic relationship indeed.
The trouble there is that Kip has reacted like a jilted girlfriend, contacting mutual friends to leave messages, and destroying some of the "gifts" given to him by Spencer in the past. One of which he sliced up with a knife or some sharp object. That prompted me to almost have a panic attack, thinking he's going to break in and hurt Baby, just to get back at Spencer. We're even considering taking out a restraining order on him.
Spencer and Huxley had to talk me down from the panic, though reasonable caution [and keeping our video camera with us always] is still the watchword.
The other thing happening that's hurt my feelings is the lack of communication from Cary. And I admit, it may be me being too sensitive on this one: Cary had a huge test that he needed to pass the other night, and I'd been really in his corner, rooting for him. But when he passed, he didn't text me to let me know, I had to find out from a facebook posting. It makes me feel a bit slighted and taken for granted. Along with that, a bunch of women on his friends list -- buxom, beautiful, and technically "free" -- congratulated him, and yes, jealousy has reared it's ugly head lol [Mine apparently.]
I'm sure I'm making a big deal out of that, but the feelings are real, and it's difficult for me to tamp them down. I think the reason it's bothering me is that I know Cary will eventually move on to someone he can marry, and maybe even have more kids with, and that even though I've been the one who has been his strongest supporter during the turmoil of his divorce, I know I'm going to get left in the dust of whatever his new life brings; and I know it's going to hurt.
But those are the consequences for the choices I've made in this life, and even though I'll probably feel pain, the love and relationship is still worth it.
There's also a bright spot on my horizon, and that's my friendship with Huxley. He's been given permission by his wife to gain sexual satisfaction elsewhere, and we'd both like very much to be able to consummate that freedom together.
Spencer has given his consent, and the only reason I'm wavering now is in consideration of Cary's feelings. On one hand, because of how much he's been hurt by his soon-to-be-ex-wife, I'm a little afraid to even broach the subject with him. On the other hand, his lack of communication -- and our co- lack of communication on the topic of seeing others [do we? is he? can I?] makes me wonder if it's something I should tell him at all. It seems we have a weird, unspoken agreement to not talk about personal things outside of we two.
I know that's anathema to the poly philosophy, but I also know that at this point I don't want to know if he's seeing someone else, and I'm honestly not sure if he'd want to know if I was. Only because of making sure we stay disease-free would I need to know.
I also don't want Huxley to feel like some Plan B, because if I thought no feelings were going to be hurt, I'd have been up to see him looong ago ;O)
Time to dash, but comments and advice are welcome,
Regards,
~Pym
Showing posts with label anxiety. Show all posts
Showing posts with label anxiety. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
The First Love, Part II
The day that Spencer and Judith had arranged to have their first sexual encounter, I'd arranged to go to the movies [I remember it was Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy] with a platonic guy friend of mine. He apparently didn't notice how nervous and shaky I was the whole time, thinking of what Spencer was doing at home.
I believe I was intellectually ready -- most of us in this lifestyle say we are -- but the actual leap from an academic discussion of poly to going the full step of caring penetration with another is just that, a leap -- of trust, and faith -- me trusting that Spencer won't go too far emotionally, and he trusting me that I won't in the end wig out.
Well, I didn't wig out, and though it was a difficult step, I was glad that Spencer and Judith had a good time together. It was a feeling of compersion for two people I genuinely cared about and loved.
The problem started with Spencer's growing love for Judith growing into an almost obsession with Judith. Wanting to know if I'd talked to her; she didn't write him back right away, is she off him or ignoring him? Is she talking to other guys? Calling her at her work when he should have been calling me at mine. Yes, after several months of this, I got jealous, and sometimes downright mad.
Spencer does have a habit of latching on to a relationship and nearly driving it into the ground; it's something he's working on now, but back then, I was sick of it. If I heard her name once more I was going to scream!
Eventually, because of conflicts brought on by Spencer's modus operandi, and because of other things on Judith's part, they did go separate ways. I had to say I was relieved, though there was the continual questioning of me if I'd talked to her or seen her and if she asked about Spencer.
Soon however, the tables were going to be turned after we met a couple through Swing Lifestyle, George and Hillary.
And did I ever fall for George.
~Pym
I believe I was intellectually ready -- most of us in this lifestyle say we are -- but the actual leap from an academic discussion of poly to going the full step of caring penetration with another is just that, a leap -- of trust, and faith -- me trusting that Spencer won't go too far emotionally, and he trusting me that I won't in the end wig out.
Well, I didn't wig out, and though it was a difficult step, I was glad that Spencer and Judith had a good time together. It was a feeling of compersion for two people I genuinely cared about and loved.
The problem started with Spencer's growing love for Judith growing into an almost obsession with Judith. Wanting to know if I'd talked to her; she didn't write him back right away, is she off him or ignoring him? Is she talking to other guys? Calling her at her work when he should have been calling me at mine. Yes, after several months of this, I got jealous, and sometimes downright mad.
Spencer does have a habit of latching on to a relationship and nearly driving it into the ground; it's something he's working on now, but back then, I was sick of it. If I heard her name once more I was going to scream!
Eventually, because of conflicts brought on by Spencer's modus operandi, and because of other things on Judith's part, they did go separate ways. I had to say I was relieved, though there was the continual questioning of me if I'd talked to her or seen her and if she asked about Spencer.
Soon however, the tables were going to be turned after we met a couple through Swing Lifestyle, George and Hillary.
And did I ever fall for George.
~Pym
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
First Experiences, Part III
In searching for ways to experience our chosen lifestyle and meet like-minded people, Spencer registered us on numerous adult web sites [and I think he has since quite enjoyed perusing profiles--especially the accompanying photos--guys are so visual!]
It really does take a lot of sifting through profiles on those sites to find legitimate people or couples with whom one has philosophies and interests in common; most are players or ads. After a lot of profile "screening," a woman with whom Spencer began corresponding would be our first let's-do-something-intimate-at-home encounter.
Sydney really was a sweet person: a single mom, intelligent, very pretty, and open-minded about sex and sexuality. We were invited to visit her at her work a few times to talk in person, and eventually we did invite her over to watch a movie, and see what might develop.
To begin with, this being our first planned meeting with someone made me anxious, even though I liked Sydney as a person. Also, Sydney unfortunately wore a perfume that was awful; it truly turned my stomach. I have no idea how Spencer could stand it, or even how she could wear it! I didn't want to hurt her feelings by saying anything, but by the time the movie ended I was about to be physically ill, and I should have spoken up then, but I didn't want to spoil the evening.
After chatting a bit when the movie was over, we all agreed that we'd try for Sydney to give Spencer a blow-job while I watched, then see if he could make her orgasm--no penetration--we all knew I wasn't ready for that. I did think I was ready for this "lite" encounter, but I felt so ill from the smell of her perfume, and my insides were churning from the anxiety of this new experience, that I was crying before it was all over.
I encouraged Spencer and Sydney to cut it short, and they knew I wanted her to leave--without being physically satisfied herself. Afterwards, I did feel bad for causing the evening to be halted, and I know both weren't happy with me, but it was all I could do to not vomit over the whole scene, which no doubt would have been mortifying.
When I explained the physical effect her scent had on me, Spencer understood, but needless to say, we heard from Sydney only once or twice after that. It was a dipping of our toes in the waters of non-monogamy and a learning experience, maybe for all three of us:
1) Verbalize limits as soon as you feel them
2) Be understanding if your spouse expresses discomfort
3) Don't wear pukey cologne
--Pym
It really does take a lot of sifting through profiles on those sites to find legitimate people or couples with whom one has philosophies and interests in common; most are players or ads. After a lot of profile "screening," a woman with whom Spencer began corresponding would be our first let's-do-something-intimate-at-home encounter.
Sydney really was a sweet person: a single mom, intelligent, very pretty, and open-minded about sex and sexuality. We were invited to visit her at her work a few times to talk in person, and eventually we did invite her over to watch a movie, and see what might develop.
To begin with, this being our first planned meeting with someone made me anxious, even though I liked Sydney as a person. Also, Sydney unfortunately wore a perfume that was awful; it truly turned my stomach. I have no idea how Spencer could stand it, or even how she could wear it! I didn't want to hurt her feelings by saying anything, but by the time the movie ended I was about to be physically ill, and I should have spoken up then, but I didn't want to spoil the evening.
After chatting a bit when the movie was over, we all agreed that we'd try for Sydney to give Spencer a blow-job while I watched, then see if he could make her orgasm--no penetration--we all knew I wasn't ready for that. I did think I was ready for this "lite" encounter, but I felt so ill from the smell of her perfume, and my insides were churning from the anxiety of this new experience, that I was crying before it was all over.
I encouraged Spencer and Sydney to cut it short, and they knew I wanted her to leave--without being physically satisfied herself. Afterwards, I did feel bad for causing the evening to be halted, and I know both weren't happy with me, but it was all I could do to not vomit over the whole scene, which no doubt would have been mortifying.
When I explained the physical effect her scent had on me, Spencer understood, but needless to say, we heard from Sydney only once or twice after that. It was a dipping of our toes in the waters of non-monogamy and a learning experience, maybe for all three of us:
1) Verbalize limits as soon as you feel them
2) Be understanding if your spouse expresses discomfort
3) Don't wear pukey cologne
--Pym
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Moving Backward...
This is going to be pretty much a stream of consciousness post; I'm not going to worry about paragraphs or spelling. I've had such a horrible past two nights that I've just got to get it out or I'm going to scream! I don't even know what details to give but suffice it to say Spencer is truly driving me insane. I think I'm going to end up in a hospital, or I'm going to put him in a hospital: either a rehab one, or because I've beaned him with a blunt object! And I know when he reads this he's going to only see reasons that he should leave; or reasons to do himself in. He'll fail to see another option: GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER!
I think he's purposely trying to push me away; either so he can fulfill this self-destructive, self-fulfilling prophecy of "no one loves me or cares about me" or so I can be the ultimate bitch like his last live-in, fifteen years ago. He keeps saying, when he's drunk, you should leave me, you should divorce me. Maybe I should, but I'm not planning on it.
When he's sober and doing things such as going to our counselor, like just last Wednesday, there is always so much hope! But when he drinks, and then gets a Mr. Hyde personality like he has the last two nights, it's just a nightmare!
I don't know what makes the difference between the "good binges" [if they can really be called that] and these nightmare binges. He has such a self-destructive attitude. Friday night he was saying he didn't want to be here [life] anymore; that wait and he'll be gone. He punched the stove, slammed his fist on the counter, we argued, I cried, I tried to go to bed so he'd leave me alone, but he just follows me...talking...and talking...in my ear, practically smothering me while I'm lying there...sometimes saying scary things, sometimes mean things. I had to hold back from hitting him, which I've done in the past out of pure rage. I drank most of my 1/2 pint of brandy, to try to escape and keep calm; I took a 1/2 xanax. Finally he'd leave the room and I'd bawl my eyes out. Then he came back and finally fell asleep.
When he reads this he's, again, only going to see reasons he should leave or kill himself...I'm terrifying of him hurting himself... Or he's going to hold it against me that I've written all I've written. It'll make him look bad. He's said before [sober], I don't want to be that jerk that everyone points to and says, "there's that guy; he's a jerk; stay away from him" but yet his actions [drunk] push him into that category.
And I know this Mr. Hyde personality isn't really him; it's his terrors, and childhood traumas, and his fears coming out, like some kind of toxicity that seethes through his skin...but the real him is Dr. Jekyll, the loving, kind, smart, and funny person I married.
Gotta take a breath here.
I know I shouldn't be drinking either, and there's no excuse except my need of escape also. I want it so I can be calm and just fall asleep. I've had my own suicidal thoughts as well, and was tempted to down more than brandy, but I won't do that; I know how much a suicide in Spencer's family affected him, and I'd never do that to him or to my family.
That's something I just can't understand: he's so tormented by this suicide of a loved one, but he seems to think he can turn around and put me through that same torment and nightmare. How dare he even consider it? And I also can't fathom, knowing how much Spencer went through with an abusive alcoholic dad, how can it be okay to put me, and us, through it today? I know these are simplistic questions and the answers are multi-layered and oh-so-complex, but to just have him realize the irony would be a start.
Whew, I think I'm a bit spent now, but it feels so good to have gotten a lot off my chest!
I want to also add that Friday night, while I was bawling, I was saying inside, "I need a friend, I need a friend!" and after Spencer fell asleep and I got on the computer for a distraction, in the beautiful synchronicity of the Universe, I was message by a friend, Charlie--someone from my home state who I'd only just begun re-corresponding with in the last few months, a friend whom I love very much, and I thank him for listening to me and giving me some laughs and a lot of support.
Of course the next day, Spencer finds Charlie's cell phone number and asks me if I'm going to leave him. No, Baby, I am NOT planning on leaving you. If I ever do leave, it will not be for another person; it would be to regain my sanity and live by myself! I don't want to live with anyone else; I want to live with the man I married, but it's got to be a sane, productive, thriving existence; we've got the love mastered, how come we can't get the other stuff right?
I think he's purposely trying to push me away; either so he can fulfill this self-destructive, self-fulfilling prophecy of "no one loves me or cares about me" or so I can be the ultimate bitch like his last live-in, fifteen years ago. He keeps saying, when he's drunk, you should leave me, you should divorce me. Maybe I should, but I'm not planning on it.
When he's sober and doing things such as going to our counselor, like just last Wednesday, there is always so much hope! But when he drinks, and then gets a Mr. Hyde personality like he has the last two nights, it's just a nightmare!
I don't know what makes the difference between the "good binges" [if they can really be called that] and these nightmare binges. He has such a self-destructive attitude. Friday night he was saying he didn't want to be here [life] anymore; that wait and he'll be gone. He punched the stove, slammed his fist on the counter, we argued, I cried, I tried to go to bed so he'd leave me alone, but he just follows me...talking...and talking...in my ear, practically smothering me while I'm lying there...sometimes saying scary things, sometimes mean things. I had to hold back from hitting him, which I've done in the past out of pure rage. I drank most of my 1/2 pint of brandy, to try to escape and keep calm; I took a 1/2 xanax. Finally he'd leave the room and I'd bawl my eyes out. Then he came back and finally fell asleep.
When he reads this he's, again, only going to see reasons he should leave or kill himself...I'm terrifying of him hurting himself... Or he's going to hold it against me that I've written all I've written. It'll make him look bad. He's said before [sober], I don't want to be that jerk that everyone points to and says, "there's that guy; he's a jerk; stay away from him" but yet his actions [drunk] push him into that category.
And I know this Mr. Hyde personality isn't really him; it's his terrors, and childhood traumas, and his fears coming out, like some kind of toxicity that seethes through his skin...but the real him is Dr. Jekyll, the loving, kind, smart, and funny person I married.
Gotta take a breath here.
I know I shouldn't be drinking either, and there's no excuse except my need of escape also. I want it so I can be calm and just fall asleep. I've had my own suicidal thoughts as well, and was tempted to down more than brandy, but I won't do that; I know how much a suicide in Spencer's family affected him, and I'd never do that to him or to my family.
That's something I just can't understand: he's so tormented by this suicide of a loved one, but he seems to think he can turn around and put me through that same torment and nightmare. How dare he even consider it? And I also can't fathom, knowing how much Spencer went through with an abusive alcoholic dad, how can it be okay to put me, and us, through it today? I know these are simplistic questions and the answers are multi-layered and oh-so-complex, but to just have him realize the irony would be a start.
Whew, I think I'm a bit spent now, but it feels so good to have gotten a lot off my chest!
I want to also add that Friday night, while I was bawling, I was saying inside, "I need a friend, I need a friend!" and after Spencer fell asleep and I got on the computer for a distraction, in the beautiful synchronicity of the Universe, I was message by a friend, Charlie--someone from my home state who I'd only just begun re-corresponding with in the last few months, a friend whom I love very much, and I thank him for listening to me and giving me some laughs and a lot of support.
Of course the next day, Spencer finds Charlie's cell phone number and asks me if I'm going to leave him. No, Baby, I am NOT planning on leaving you. If I ever do leave, it will not be for another person; it would be to regain my sanity and live by myself! I don't want to live with anyone else; I want to live with the man I married, but it's got to be a sane, productive, thriving existence; we've got the love mastered, how come we can't get the other stuff right?
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Moving forward
Today was our second appointment together at the counselor, and I'm proud of how well Spencer is opening up and expressing himself, especially since the counselor is a guy. But he's a cool guy and seems to listen and make suggestions without harsh judgment, only helping hone perspectives.
Our Valentine's weekend was really nice; had a three-day weekend since Monday was Presidents' Day. Spencer and I spent Saturday together during the day, doing some of our favorite things: going thrift store shopping and eating out.
In the evening he went with Kip to a movie and I got to have a quick visit [and a quickie] with Cary. It could only be a quickie due to time constraints but it was hot! Hot to see him, be pounded by him, and lie on the bed together afterwards. We're both hoping we can find the opportunity to spend more than just minutes to hours together sometime in the near future, and I'm lobbying to get a room for a night, but that's a step he and his wife will have to decide upon together. It would be their first time sharing during an all-nighter, and I want them both to be comfortable with it if it happens.
At least that's what I tell myself. Truthfully, if he said he was going to tell her that he would be out of town a night for a convention, but got us a room instead...I'd still take it. Isn't that terrible? In my rationalization I'd say it's because I don't believe she tells Cary everything she does, and I think she's flat-out cheated on him in the past. And, yes, I did that to my first husband, but hypocritical or not, I don't think it's any worse for him to do so if she has already. Sigh, where are my principles? And I know Spencer would be disappointed in me if I did it. Hmmm, I need to think that one over a bit more...
Spencer has been missing Amanda quite a bit, and is trying to at least keep some email communications going with her. It's good for him to have someone to talk to who understands our lifestyle, but I'm not sure if it's healthy for them to pursue a romantic relationship again. As long as they can get along, I'll support them both; but I don't want to have to put back on the striped referee uniform. I look terrible in stripes.
Our Valentine's weekend was really nice; had a three-day weekend since Monday was Presidents' Day. Spencer and I spent Saturday together during the day, doing some of our favorite things: going thrift store shopping and eating out.
In the evening he went with Kip to a movie and I got to have a quick visit [and a quickie] with Cary. It could only be a quickie due to time constraints but it was hot! Hot to see him, be pounded by him, and lie on the bed together afterwards. We're both hoping we can find the opportunity to spend more than just minutes to hours together sometime in the near future, and I'm lobbying to get a room for a night, but that's a step he and his wife will have to decide upon together. It would be their first time sharing during an all-nighter, and I want them both to be comfortable with it if it happens.
At least that's what I tell myself. Truthfully, if he said he was going to tell her that he would be out of town a night for a convention, but got us a room instead...I'd still take it. Isn't that terrible? In my rationalization I'd say it's because I don't believe she tells Cary everything she does, and I think she's flat-out cheated on him in the past. And, yes, I did that to my first husband, but hypocritical or not, I don't think it's any worse for him to do so if she has already. Sigh, where are my principles? And I know Spencer would be disappointed in me if I did it. Hmmm, I need to think that one over a bit more...
Spencer has been missing Amanda quite a bit, and is trying to at least keep some email communications going with her. It's good for him to have someone to talk to who understands our lifestyle, but I'm not sure if it's healthy for them to pursue a romantic relationship again. As long as they can get along, I'll support them both; but I don't want to have to put back on the striped referee uniform. I look terrible in stripes.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Should I be worried?
It's been a month since I've seen Cary and we've made love. We're still texting but not quite as often, and with fewer of the endearments of "baby" and "I miss you and love you."
I do realize he's very busy; he has a family and a profession...I'm just missing the positive feedback...and if it is the case that he wishes to wind down our relationship, I would like to know.
I'm not feeling as hurt as I thought I might be when he does eventually move on; mainly curious as to if we're going to proceed, and if not, if it's the result of something specific.
Of course, I could be reading more into this perceived distance than it actually means; it probably means that he's just busy with his life.
On the other hand, Spencer and I have had a nice weekend so far. We're both too low-energy for sex, but have enjoyed just being together, reading, shopping, puttering around the house...sweetly low-key, sane, and boring...I love it.
I do realize he's very busy; he has a family and a profession...I'm just missing the positive feedback...and if it is the case that he wishes to wind down our relationship, I would like to know.
I'm not feeling as hurt as I thought I might be when he does eventually move on; mainly curious as to if we're going to proceed, and if not, if it's the result of something specific.
Of course, I could be reading more into this perceived distance than it actually means; it probably means that he's just busy with his life.
On the other hand, Spencer and I have had a nice weekend so far. We're both too low-energy for sex, but have enjoyed just being together, reading, shopping, puttering around the house...sweetly low-key, sane, and boring...I love it.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
New Year's Revelations
The first day of my new year I spent in self-inflicted agony after consuming a bottle of white zinfandel and a bottle of pink champagne New Year's Eve...which brings back the question: is Spencer the only one with the drinking problem? I don't want to answer it today, but it is something to think about.
Today's the second day into the new year, and I'm feeling miles better; but now Spencer is down for the count with a cold. It's my turn to care for him as he cared for me yesterday. He was kinder to me in my hungover state than I would have been to him, I admit.
We're doing some much-needed cleaning around our house, including going through years of papers belonging to us and to his recently deceased mom. Shredding and plowing through all this stuff is cathartic.
Something else that was cathartic for Spencer was, on New Year's Eve, while blazing drunk, he kept muttering "I've done you wrong, I've done you wrong." Of course one can't say that and not expect the other person to keep prying as to "what is it you've done??" Being that I was also three sheets to the wind, I figured I wasn't going to care much whatever it was.
It turns out that, before we were actually married but after we'd become a couple, Spencer had some sexual exploits about which I was not informed. He says he cheated but as we weren't married yet, I can't use as strong a word. And since I'd out-and-out cheated in my first marriage, I don't have much of a leg to stand on anyway. I'm just truly glad that he feels better for having told me. And really the timing couldn't have been better seeing as how I was happily toasted at the time of the revelation.
I'm oddly not mad at all. We've been married a few years now and anything before seems so long ago anyway. I did take the opportunity while the air was being cleared to tell Spencer about a couple instances in which Cary and I performed acts I wasn't forthcoming about myself. Spencer knows of all the times when Cary and I have met, but I didn't feel I could reveal that a) Cary and I did anal and b) I swallowed [well at least 75% of it] once with Cary; things that I hadn't done with Spencer in a long time, and I thought it would hurt his feelings that I did these things with someone else.
So those instances are off my chest, and now, too, I've revealed this blog to Spencer. He can read it all he wants, but if he gets angry at my honesty and wants to vent, he can get his own blog.
We'll have to think of a suitable acronym for him: PAYMANDS? Polyamorous Alcoholic Yankee Married to an Anxious Neurotic in the Deep South?
Today's the second day into the new year, and I'm feeling miles better; but now Spencer is down for the count with a cold. It's my turn to care for him as he cared for me yesterday. He was kinder to me in my hungover state than I would have been to him, I admit.
We're doing some much-needed cleaning around our house, including going through years of papers belonging to us and to his recently deceased mom. Shredding and plowing through all this stuff is cathartic.
Something else that was cathartic for Spencer was, on New Year's Eve, while blazing drunk, he kept muttering "I've done you wrong, I've done you wrong." Of course one can't say that and not expect the other person to keep prying as to "what is it you've done??" Being that I was also three sheets to the wind, I figured I wasn't going to care much whatever it was.
It turns out that, before we were actually married but after we'd become a couple, Spencer had some sexual exploits about which I was not informed. He says he cheated but as we weren't married yet, I can't use as strong a word. And since I'd out-and-out cheated in my first marriage, I don't have much of a leg to stand on anyway. I'm just truly glad that he feels better for having told me. And really the timing couldn't have been better seeing as how I was happily toasted at the time of the revelation.
I'm oddly not mad at all. We've been married a few years now and anything before seems so long ago anyway. I did take the opportunity while the air was being cleared to tell Spencer about a couple instances in which Cary and I performed acts I wasn't forthcoming about myself. Spencer knows of all the times when Cary and I have met, but I didn't feel I could reveal that a) Cary and I did anal and b) I swallowed [well at least 75% of it] once with Cary; things that I hadn't done with Spencer in a long time, and I thought it would hurt his feelings that I did these things with someone else.
So those instances are off my chest, and now, too, I've revealed this blog to Spencer. He can read it all he wants, but if he gets angry at my honesty and wants to vent, he can get his own blog.
We'll have to think of a suitable acronym for him: PAYMANDS? Polyamorous Alcoholic Yankee Married to an Anxious Neurotic in the Deep South?
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Sundays
One more day before going back to work. Spencer had a binge last night with his knucklehead friend Kip. I call him a knucklehead because his personality grates and he's a jerk for the most part, but I should thank him for taking Spencer in at his place for the evening and keeping him out of my hair while they drink. [Man, I sound like a bitch.] And since he's within walking distance I don't have to worry about Spencer driving.
I admit I had my own mini-binge while he was gone [4 or 5 beers]; and yes, I do ask myself the question, why do I deal with his alcoholism with alcohol? Legitimate question. Lame but honest answer: I want to escape for a short time. Sort of the "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" syndrome.
Sunday afternoons and evenings are usually quite pleasant around our place. I must lower myself and thank the fundys for not allowing alcohol sales on Sunday; it at least gives me a built-in respite. Actually I don't give a crap if it's Sunday or Tuesday, I just like knowing there's one day we're 99% in the clear.
Must dash, still work to do around the house; and maybe a chance to chat with Cary ;O)
--Pym
I admit I had my own mini-binge while he was gone [4 or 5 beers]; and yes, I do ask myself the question, why do I deal with his alcoholism with alcohol? Legitimate question. Lame but honest answer: I want to escape for a short time. Sort of the "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" syndrome.
Sunday afternoons and evenings are usually quite pleasant around our place. I must lower myself and thank the fundys for not allowing alcohol sales on Sunday; it at least gives me a built-in respite. Actually I don't give a crap if it's Sunday or Tuesday, I just like knowing there's one day we're 99% in the clear.
Must dash, still work to do around the house; and maybe a chance to chat with Cary ;O)
--Pym
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Ahhh
A few hours peace...it's the day after Christmas...Spencer woke up cranky, so even though I love him dearly I was relieved when he went to spend some time with a buddy. It's like the ol' saying: sometimes I wake up cranky, other times I let him sleep...
After my short post yesterday, Spencer did notice that he'd hurt my feelings when he asked if he could drink -- the crying probably gave it away -- and apologized. The rest of the evening went pretty smoothly as we watched Britcoms and relaxed on the couch.
I'm not sure why I cry so easily...must be the stress. It is stressful living with Spencer, dealing with his dysfunctional family, but I must be the first to admit it's most likely a tad stressful for him to live with me. Here's where I mention my mental health issues:
There have been some bouts in my past of depression, but I'd say my main issues are generalized anxiety and obsessive-compulsive disorder. This does cause Spencer chagrin when I'm constantly checking doors, etc. and continually worrying about something or other. Usually about death. Mine, his, loved ones'.
I'm a master at worrying; think of it as mental origami: any smallish anxious thought can be kneaded, manipulated, folded, spindled, mutilated, into a masterpiece of psychological-textbook proportion. Why I don't go so far as to sprinkle my paxil and xanax on my cornflakes I don't know.
Part of the trade off of me dealing with Spencer's issues is him dealing with mine. At least so far each of our major episodes have happened opposite one another so the other was there and strong enough to support. Must be cosmic. Or is that karmic?
--Pym
After my short post yesterday, Spencer did notice that he'd hurt my feelings when he asked if he could drink -- the crying probably gave it away -- and apologized. The rest of the evening went pretty smoothly as we watched Britcoms and relaxed on the couch.
I'm not sure why I cry so easily...must be the stress. It is stressful living with Spencer, dealing with his dysfunctional family, but I must be the first to admit it's most likely a tad stressful for him to live with me. Here's where I mention my mental health issues:
There have been some bouts in my past of depression, but I'd say my main issues are generalized anxiety and obsessive-compulsive disorder. This does cause Spencer chagrin when I'm constantly checking doors, etc. and continually worrying about something or other. Usually about death. Mine, his, loved ones'.
I'm a master at worrying; think of it as mental origami: any smallish anxious thought can be kneaded, manipulated, folded, spindled, mutilated, into a masterpiece of psychological-textbook proportion. Why I don't go so far as to sprinkle my paxil and xanax on my cornflakes I don't know.
Part of the trade off of me dealing with Spencer's issues is him dealing with mine. At least so far each of our major episodes have happened opposite one another so the other was there and strong enough to support. Must be cosmic. Or is that karmic?
--Pym
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