Lately

A couple things have been going on lately to give me some extra stress, and Spencer will be happy to know that they're not because of anything he's done lol -- at least not directly.

First off, Spencer has cut ties with Kip, his drinking buddy. A toxic relationship indeed.

The trouble there is that Kip has reacted like a jilted girlfriend, contacting mutual friends to leave messages, and destroying some of the "gifts" given to him by Spencer in the past. One of which he sliced up with a knife or some sharp object. That prompted me to almost have a panic attack, thinking he's going to break in and hurt Baby, just to get back at Spencer. We're even considering taking out a restraining order on him.

Spencer and Huxley had to talk me down from the panic, though reasonable caution [and keeping our video camera with us always] is still the watchword.

The other thing happening that's hurt my feelings is the lack of communication from Cary. And I admit, it may be me being too sensitive on this one: Cary had a huge test that he needed to pass the other night, and I'd been really in his corner, rooting for him. But when he passed, he didn't text me to let me know, I had to find out from a facebook posting. It makes me feel a bit slighted and taken for granted. Along with that, a bunch of women on his friends list -- buxom, beautiful, and technically "free" -- congratulated him, and yes, jealousy has reared it's ugly head lol [Mine apparently.]

I'm sure I'm making a big deal out of that, but the feelings are real, and it's difficult for me to tamp them down. I think the reason it's bothering me is that I know Cary will eventually move on to someone he can marry, and maybe even have more kids with, and that even though I've been the one who has been his strongest supporter during the turmoil of his divorce, I know I'm going to get left in the dust of whatever his new life brings; and I know it's going to hurt.

But those are the consequences for the choices I've made in this life, and even though I'll probably feel pain, the love and relationship is still worth it.

There's also a bright spot on my horizon, and that's my friendship with Huxley. He's been given permission by his wife to gain sexual satisfaction elsewhere, and we'd both like very much to be able to consummate that freedom together.

Spencer has given his consent, and the only reason I'm wavering now is in consideration of Cary's feelings. On one hand, because of how much he's been hurt by his soon-to-be-ex-wife, I'm a little afraid to even broach the subject with him. On the other hand, his lack of communication -- and our co- lack of communication on the topic of seeing others [do we? is he? can I?] makes me wonder if it's something I should tell him at all. It seems we have a weird, unspoken agreement to not talk about personal things outside of we two.

I know that's anathema to the poly philosophy, but I also know that at this point I don't want to know if he's seeing someone else, and I'm honestly not sure if he'd want to know if I was. Only because of making sure we stay disease-free would I need to know.

I also don't want Huxley to feel like some Plan B, because if I thought no feelings were going to be hurt, I'd have been up to see him looong ago ;O)

Time to dash, but comments and advice are welcome,
Regards,
~Pym

Lost a Friend

I found out yesterday that I lost my friend, Seth, who I knew through work. He was an older gentleman, but the last time I saw him he was looking great. This is quite a shock to all, and I've been bumming quite a bit and spent most of the day yesterday thinking of him, and how I can't believe it. We don't even know yet how he died, or when will be the funeral.

He made a point to talk to me whenever he came into the building, and he always kissed me on the cheek. He was a gentleman, but I always thought he was just a bit smitten with me. This isn't ego talking, since Spencer got the same vibe when we'd run into him. I was quite flattered, actually. :O)

Spencer liked him, too, since they had some interests in common. I'd recently encouraged each of them to talk more to one other because of this. So sad that they didn't have a chance to really get together other than on facebook.

This happened so fast, that it makes me want to tell those around me that I love them, early and often. Please take every chance you get to do the same.

Hugs,
~Pym

Labor Day Weekend

It's Sunday morning, and so far we're having a relaxing Labor Day weekend! Spencer is sleeping off his beers from the last two nights, but his behavior was exemplary for his condition lol

Yesterday he grilled out burgers and dogs, not burning them--which was an amazing plus. And we were blessed with a visit from Oskar [a friend to us, and an author of metaphysical books], who was in town and able to come by for a beer and a burger and some awesome, enlightening conversation! This was really good for Spencer, who needed an ear other than mine to listen to some of his on-going experiences in that arena. Though I don't subscribe to every facet of metaphysics, it was definitely thought-provoking to hear their discourse, and I learned a lot.

One thing I'm looking forward to is, the next time Oskar is in town, he's going to do a shamanic ritual and cleanse our house of negativity. This may sound strange to a lot of people, and I don't know myself exactly how or why it may work, but I think just the active thought and participation by us to believe our house cleared of negativity will help make it so. Anyway, to me it is worth a try to feel we're washing away some old traits and taking on some new ones. It may be a few weeks, but when it happens I'd like to share it with you on here.

This morning I've been reading and drinking coffee and spending some time with Baby, when he tolerates my company lol He's my little fuzzy baby boy, but he's definitely more enthused about Spencer's company. Spencer can really bring out the playfulness in Baby, and he's the one who spends more time with him during the day, and feeds him his extra treats, so he's the one Baby looks up at adoringly. I'm so jealous! lol

Here's hoping everyone has a safe weekend, enjoyable company, and fulfilling activities.

Warm regards,
~Pym

Almost Middle Week...

...and I'm pooped! Many changes at work, new duties and challenges, and didn't get much sleep last night, either. Had obligations after work, came home and ate, and am going to have to go to bed.

Thinking of my special friend, Huxley, who's going through some difficulty right now, and I think he needs to cut himself some slack.

I had a wonderful lunch yesterday with Cary...a "quickie" but it was delicious!

Hitting the hay with Spencer and a book now, though the book may not even get cracked open...would rather have sleep.

Must dash,
~Pym

Kip

Okay, I can see that Kip is going to drive me nuts. I think he's already getting on Spencer's nerves, and they're the ones who are friends.

I realize he just lost his Dad, who he's lived with for years and helped take care of in the last days, but Kip seems to not be able to do anything on his own. He's forty-something, has no job right now, divorced a couple times, and basically driven off any other friends but Spencer and one other childhood friend.

If he gets a bank statement, he calls Spencer. If the bank calls, he calls Spencer. He looks for work, Spencer needs to help him with his application. And just about any other excuse to call Spencer over, because he can't stand to be alone. Then when they do get together, they drink. And drink a lot. All this calling for help has put Spencer in a cranky mood, too. It's something they'll have to work out without me. And Kip is going to have to learn to grow up -- fast.

On another note, I want to spend some personal time with Spencer, but it hasn't seemed to work out lately. The one evening he asked for a bj I couldn't do it [we had a buffet shortly before, and I couldn't move lol] and last night we were hot and tired and a bit cranky from the day, so we both just read in bed. I really want us to treat ourselves to "us" time, with no worries about anyone or anything else.

It'll have to be tonight, because he's already got plans with Kip tomorrow evening.

~Pym

A Friend's Dad

Spencer's friend Kip lost his Dad this afternoon. I guess it was expected since Hospice had been called in, but nevertheless, Kip's going to need Spencer for moral support, and to be a pallbearer.

Spencer's staying with Kip tonight, which I think is helpful, but I hope they don't drown their sorrows too much in beer. I don't blame Kip for Spencer's drinking, but they started the drinking habit together twenty years ago, and neither one can say no to more drinks, so it does make me a bit nervous.

But since Spencer has shown improvement lately, I'll just have to trust he'll know now is not the time to overdo it.

It does give me an evening to read and have Baby the cat all to myself. :O)

Besides my thoughts being with Kip and his family, they're also with my friend Huxley. He's having a sort of crisis of conscience, in that an old girlfriend wants to meet him again and maybe rekindle old flames. The problem is that they are both married.

I'm not going to be judgmental, because I took those steps in my previous marriage, and cheated on my first husband. But I am worried about him getting hurt, and his wife getting hurt. I don't know the old girlfriend, and I'm afraid she's just trying to test whether she "still has it" at the expense of my friend, so I say she's on her own. It's him I care about.

Must dash -- my book and Baby await,
'Night,
~Pym

The First Love, Part II

The day that Spencer and Judith had arranged to have their first sexual encounter, I'd arranged to go to the movies [I remember it was Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy] with a platonic guy friend of mine. He apparently didn't notice how nervous and shaky I was the whole time, thinking of what Spencer was doing at home.

I believe I was intellectually ready -- most of us in this lifestyle say we are -- but the actual leap from an academic discussion of poly to going the full step of caring penetration with another is just that, a leap -- of trust, and faith -- me trusting that Spencer won't go too far emotionally, and he trusting me that I won't in the end wig out.

Well, I didn't wig out, and though it was a difficult step, I was glad that Spencer and Judith had a good time together. It was a feeling of compersion for two people I genuinely cared about and loved.

The problem started with Spencer's growing love for Judith growing into an almost obsession with Judith. Wanting to know if I'd talked to her; she didn't write him back right away, is she off him or ignoring him? Is she talking to other guys? Calling her at her work when he should have been calling me at mine. Yes, after several months of this, I got jealous, and sometimes downright mad.

Spencer does have a habit of latching on to a relationship and nearly driving it into the ground; it's something he's working on now, but back then, I was sick of it. If I heard her name once more I was going to scream!

Eventually, because of conflicts brought on by Spencer's modus operandi, and because of other things on Judith's part, they did go separate ways. I had to say I was relieved, though there was the continual questioning of me if I'd talked to her or seen her and if she asked about Spencer.

Soon however, the tables were going to be turned after we met a couple through Swing Lifestyle, George and Hillary.

And did I ever fall for George.

~Pym

The First Love, Part I

After writing about our initial breaking-in experience with Sydney, I had to have Spencer jog my memory of what came next [it has been a few years]. It seems that because of how the situation made me feel, we didn't attempt much active searching for "adult" friends for awhile.

In the meantime he kept up our online accounts like Adult Friend Finder and Swing Lifestyle [mentions are not to be construed as an endorsement ;O) ] and we continued to discuss what it is we wanted out of an open relationship.

I think still at that point we hadn't hit upon the word polyamory, or we'd only just begun to learn about it. We did think we knew what we didn't want and that was shallow, anonymous sex; we wanted to at least care for and have a friendship with someone if we were going to have sex with them. However we didn't yet discuss how we'd deal with it if one of us actually fell in love with another person.

Until it happened.

Spencer had at that time caught back up with a friend, Judith--now married--from his old high school. I became close to her, too, and she became pretty much a best girlfriend to me. She and Spencer felt comfortable flirting and with time she seemed more and more open to it, especially via email. She also began relaying to Spencer how "un-sexual" her marriage was, and some of the downright nasty things her husband was saying to her about her body. In time, she and Spencer grew closer, and they decided to move on sexually.

Now, I do say that I/we don't want to help spouses cheat, but hearing about the almost verbally-abusive situation she was in [at least hearing it from her side], and counting on them knowing the risks involved, I gave my blessing to them.

And even though Spencer and I talked things out beforehand [though not she and I, which in hindsight may have helped me], and intellectually I was ready, letting the two of them have sex was one of the most difficult things I'd ever done.

~Pym

Moving Backward...

This is going to be pretty much a stream of consciousness post; I'm not going to worry about paragraphs or spelling. I've had such a horrible past two nights that I've just got to get it out or I'm going to scream! I don't even know what details to give but suffice it to say Spencer is truly driving me insane. I think I'm going to end up in a hospital, or I'm going to put him in a hospital: either a rehab one, or because I've beaned him with a blunt object! And I know when he reads this he's going to only see reasons that he should leave; or reasons to do himself in. He'll fail to see another option: GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER!
I think he's purposely trying to push me away; either so he can fulfill this self-destructive, self-fulfilling prophecy of "no one loves me or cares about me" or so I can be the ultimate bitch like his last live-in, fifteen years ago. He keeps saying, when he's drunk, you should leave me, you should divorce me. Maybe I should, but I'm not planning on it.
When he's sober and doing things such as going to our counselor, like just last Wednesday, there is always so much hope! But when he drinks, and then gets a Mr. Hyde personality like he has the last two nights, it's just a nightmare!
I don't know what makes the difference between the "good binges" [if they can really be called that] and these nightmare binges. He has such a self-destructive attitude. Friday night he was saying he didn't want to be here [life] anymore; that wait and he'll be gone. He punched the stove, slammed his fist on the counter, we argued, I cried, I tried to go to bed so he'd leave me alone, but he just follows me...talking...and talking...in my ear, practically smothering me while I'm lying there...sometimes saying scary things, sometimes mean things. I had to hold back from hitting him, which I've done in the past out of pure rage. I drank most of my 1/2 pint of brandy, to try to escape and keep calm; I took a 1/2 xanax. Finally he'd leave the room and I'd bawl my eyes out. Then he came back and finally fell asleep.
When he reads this he's, again, only going to see reasons he should leave or kill himself...I'm terrifying of him hurting himself... Or he's going to hold it against me that I've written all I've written. It'll make him look bad. He's said before [sober], I don't want to be that jerk that everyone points to and says, "there's that guy; he's a jerk; stay away from him" but yet his actions [drunk] push him into that category.
And I know this Mr. Hyde personality isn't really him; it's his terrors, and childhood traumas, and his fears coming out, like some kind of toxicity that seethes through his skin...but the real him is Dr. Jekyll, the loving, kind, smart, and funny person I married.
Gotta take a breath here.
I know I shouldn't be drinking either, and there's no excuse except my need of escape also. I want it so I can be calm and just fall asleep. I've had my own suicidal thoughts as well, and was tempted to down more than brandy, but I won't do that; I know how much a suicide in Spencer's family affected him, and I'd never do that to him or to my family.
That's something I just can't understand: he's so tormented by this suicide of a loved one, but he seems to think he can turn around and put me through that same torment and nightmare. How dare he even consider it? And I also can't fathom, knowing how much Spencer went through with an abusive alcoholic dad, how can it be okay to put me, and us, through it today? I know these are simplistic questions and the answers are multi-layered and oh-so-complex, but to just have him realize the irony would be a start.
Whew, I think I'm a bit spent now, but it feels so good to have gotten a lot off my chest!
I want to also add that Friday night, while I was bawling, I was saying inside, "I need a friend, I need a friend!" and after Spencer fell asleep and I got on the computer for a distraction, in the beautiful synchronicity of the Universe, I was message by a friend, Charlie--someone from my home state who I'd only just begun re-corresponding with in the last few months, a friend whom I love very much, and I thank him for listening to me and giving me some laughs and a lot of support.
Of course the next day, Spencer finds Charlie's cell phone number and asks me if I'm going to leave him. No, Baby, I am NOT planning on leaving you. If I ever do leave, it will not be for another person; it would be to regain my sanity and live by myself! I don't want to live with anyone else; I want to live with the man I married, but it's got to be a sane, productive, thriving existence; we've got the love mastered, how come we can't get the other stuff right?

Haiku

I must share this all-too-flattering haiku written by a friend, Huxley:

Meek exterior
Disguises saucy temptress
Dat booty be fine

I laughed out loud and surely blushed when I read it, but I love it!

Thank you, Huxley,
--Pym