Reboot

It's a new year, and even though I had considered deactivating Pym's Escape, I've decided to keep it up.

KBO, that's what Winston Churchill said, "Keep Buggering On."

I hadn't posted for awhile because at first, things were going much better, and I hadn't had to escape into Pym's. Then the weather got too cold to even sit for long in our computer room. But what might have been the final blow to Pym's was that it didn't feel therapeutic or beneficial any longer, when Spencer would say during or after an argument, "go tell it on Pym's." It felt like it was the end of me being able to be open and honest on Pym's without it later being chucked in my face.

When we'd both cooled down after that particular argument, Spencer asked me to keep the blog up and use it; that I needed the outlet.

In that spirit then, of having healthy outlets, I'm declaring 2011 The Year of Pym's Mental Health.

Though changing from one year to another is mainly a psychological move [every night at midnight, even every minute or every second is a change from one year to another] it's still a good opportunity to set some mental goals, to delineate a starting point for improvement.

And in declaring 2011 The Year of Pym's Mental Health, I'm sort of declaring my independence. Independence from all the worrying and wigging-out over Spencer's drinking -- it's not anything I can control anyway. Independence from other worries that plague me as an obsessive-compulsive. And my actions and decisions will be based on how something will effect my mental health.

In essence, I come first.

That doesn't mean that what I decide will be counter to what Spencer may need, or what my relationship with him, or with Cary, or with Huxley [which may be progressing towards physical intimacy as well] will need. What I need isn't necessarily mutually exclusive to what others need, but I'm putting my mental health first. I don't think any of the people who love me will begrudge me that.

Here's to a new year, new friendships, new-life to important relationships, and a shiny, refurbished, almost-like-new but even better mental outlook.

Better Living Through Pharmaceuticals

Had a really good day at work today, getting a lot done; I'd say it was a record in accomplishing my set tasks, so I'm very happy with that!

Spencer has recovered from the weekend, and cooked quite a tasty dinner for us this afternoon. Earlier, I was able to talk to our psychologist/counselor, who gave us three options to look into for a rehab facility. I can't tell you how just having options opens a crack in the clouds. I don't expect miracles, but I believe in progress, and that's what keeps me going.

And love, of course: for my own lovable, screwed up Doctor House. Hey, Dr. H went crazy for a time, and had to check in someplace -- It happens to the best of us lol

That includes me, since I had to be hospitalized in a "retreat" hospital in the early 90s. "Retreat" was a nice way to say psych ward. But it was a have-to thing at the time, and when you need to do something that'll help you in the long run, or at least keep you from offing yourself in the meantime, you've got to do it.

I would say, however, that in my case, it was the bill from the "retreat" that knocked me back into reality, not so much the "treatment."

The craziest thing about our mental health system [this includes help for addiction] is not the people who are clients, but the system itself. We'd be a much more productive society if we had better access to doctors, facilities, treatments, and yes, pharmaceuticals.

"Better living through pharmaceuticals."

And that was tonight's soapbox :O)

'Night all,
~Pym

When Marriage Doesn't Go Well

One example of a monogamous marriage not going too well might be my brother Van and his wife Jessica. Lately, and more so right at this moment, I've been really pissed at Jessica for how she talks to my brother. He's one of the most mild-mannered, loving, polite, caring guys I know. And even if he weren't my brother, I'd think so.

Today he texted some of the things she's said to him, berating him for his supposed lack of fatherly and provider skills, almost bordering on verbal abuse. She's chipping away at his self-esteem and deflecting from herself any responsibility for their marital problems. In short, she's a spoiled brat bitch.

Van goes out of his way to spend time with his kids, probably spending more with them than she. But she earns more than he, and somehow this makes her feel she can dominate him.

And Spencer's convinced she's already cuckolding Van, while she's "working late," "at the gym," or on a "girls' night out." Besides that, he thinks she's mentally unbalanced.

Anyway, I just had to vent on this topic, especially when various columnists see monogamy as the only way for close, caring commitment. In my brother's case, he seems trapped in a shooting-gallery of verbal barbs, with his wife determined to deflate any sense of self and esteem right out of him.

I fart in her general direction.
~Pym

Moving Backward...

This is going to be pretty much a stream of consciousness post; I'm not going to worry about paragraphs or spelling. I've had such a horrible past two nights that I've just got to get it out or I'm going to scream! I don't even know what details to give but suffice it to say Spencer is truly driving me insane. I think I'm going to end up in a hospital, or I'm going to put him in a hospital: either a rehab one, or because I've beaned him with a blunt object! And I know when he reads this he's going to only see reasons that he should leave; or reasons to do himself in. He'll fail to see another option: GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER!
I think he's purposely trying to push me away; either so he can fulfill this self-destructive, self-fulfilling prophecy of "no one loves me or cares about me" or so I can be the ultimate bitch like his last live-in, fifteen years ago. He keeps saying, when he's drunk, you should leave me, you should divorce me. Maybe I should, but I'm not planning on it.
When he's sober and doing things such as going to our counselor, like just last Wednesday, there is always so much hope! But when he drinks, and then gets a Mr. Hyde personality like he has the last two nights, it's just a nightmare!
I don't know what makes the difference between the "good binges" [if they can really be called that] and these nightmare binges. He has such a self-destructive attitude. Friday night he was saying he didn't want to be here [life] anymore; that wait and he'll be gone. He punched the stove, slammed his fist on the counter, we argued, I cried, I tried to go to bed so he'd leave me alone, but he just follows me...talking...and talking...in my ear, practically smothering me while I'm lying there...sometimes saying scary things, sometimes mean things. I had to hold back from hitting him, which I've done in the past out of pure rage. I drank most of my 1/2 pint of brandy, to try to escape and keep calm; I took a 1/2 xanax. Finally he'd leave the room and I'd bawl my eyes out. Then he came back and finally fell asleep.
When he reads this he's, again, only going to see reasons he should leave or kill himself...I'm terrifying of him hurting himself... Or he's going to hold it against me that I've written all I've written. It'll make him look bad. He's said before [sober], I don't want to be that jerk that everyone points to and says, "there's that guy; he's a jerk; stay away from him" but yet his actions [drunk] push him into that category.
And I know this Mr. Hyde personality isn't really him; it's his terrors, and childhood traumas, and his fears coming out, like some kind of toxicity that seethes through his skin...but the real him is Dr. Jekyll, the loving, kind, smart, and funny person I married.
Gotta take a breath here.
I know I shouldn't be drinking either, and there's no excuse except my need of escape also. I want it so I can be calm and just fall asleep. I've had my own suicidal thoughts as well, and was tempted to down more than brandy, but I won't do that; I know how much a suicide in Spencer's family affected him, and I'd never do that to him or to my family.
That's something I just can't understand: he's so tormented by this suicide of a loved one, but he seems to think he can turn around and put me through that same torment and nightmare. How dare he even consider it? And I also can't fathom, knowing how much Spencer went through with an abusive alcoholic dad, how can it be okay to put me, and us, through it today? I know these are simplistic questions and the answers are multi-layered and oh-so-complex, but to just have him realize the irony would be a start.
Whew, I think I'm a bit spent now, but it feels so good to have gotten a lot off my chest!
I want to also add that Friday night, while I was bawling, I was saying inside, "I need a friend, I need a friend!" and after Spencer fell asleep and I got on the computer for a distraction, in the beautiful synchronicity of the Universe, I was message by a friend, Charlie--someone from my home state who I'd only just begun re-corresponding with in the last few months, a friend whom I love very much, and I thank him for listening to me and giving me some laughs and a lot of support.
Of course the next day, Spencer finds Charlie's cell phone number and asks me if I'm going to leave him. No, Baby, I am NOT planning on leaving you. If I ever do leave, it will not be for another person; it would be to regain my sanity and live by myself! I don't want to live with anyone else; I want to live with the man I married, but it's got to be a sane, productive, thriving existence; we've got the love mastered, how come we can't get the other stuff right?

Steps in the Right Direction

This morning we experienced what I like to call a breakthrough. I had my usual counseling session but arranged to bring Spencer along, and I believe he got something positive out of it.

The counselor was a guy a bit younger than us but who seemed to really understand where Spencer was coming from. And I think, after a little initial awkwardness, Spencer felt comfortable talking about some important issues.

I told him how proud I am of him that he's making this effort and is willing to work on things. And as I know he's not the only one, I'm also willing to work on my issues that affect him and us.

In a sort-of-related aside, I am so thankful to have the insurance coverage to pay for my psychiatric and counseling sessions. In this country, mental health issues take a back seat to "physical" ailments, but so many aspects of our lives hinge on our mental health. Virtually all aspects. How else could we function day to day? And it's a true shame that affordable care isn't more readily available. *stepping down from soapbox*

--Pym