Wow, I haven't posted in quite awhile, and I'm not sure where to start in order to catch up! I've got to make a more concerted effort to post in a timely manner, even if the posts are shorter in length!
Let's see, I think we last left off with Spencer cutting ties with his drinking buddy Kip. Kip's reaction wasn't one of maturity, and it got so bad that we had to file harassment charges against him. We're not sure when the court date will be, but it's been nice and quiet since we filed.
Spencer has been doing much better as far as his anger issues that accompanied drinking with Kip. And the quantity of beer consumed is less on any given evening, though there have been some stretches of up to five evenings in a row. But I'll take lower quantities and more evenings over excessive quantities once or twice a week and lots of angry talk and arguing.
In general, I say we're getting along noticeably better, laughing together more, spending evenings watching television, talking, reading, and have had some luscious sex.
And I've had really good moral support from Huxley and Cary and a couple guys on facebook [ES and BD] for which I'm thankful.
Spencer is also back to focusing on some of his metaphysical interests and helping with a group in a neighboring city that meets monthly to discuss related topics. It's given him more purpose and makes him feel necessary and needed. He's also starting a life-coach program with a recent presenter, and we've got hopes that it'll at least give him skills to set goals and create a strategy to meet them.
I'd really also like for him to find a companion as special to him as Cary is to me. I'm hoping that with his participation in this metaphysical group, he'll find someone like-minded and compatible. It's been a blessing to me to have Cary, and the growing, though at this point long-distance, friendship I have with Huxley, and I want Spencer to feel as appreciated and loved as I do--to feel those things from someone in addition to me. He's allowed me that gift, and he deserves the same.
On a different note, we did get to go away for a couple nights to a local resort/casino, and though the beer flowed freely, we hardly argued or fussed. And we ate like each meal was our last lol. But it was a great escape, and knowing Baby was being taken care of by our house-sitter enabled us to relax and not worry so much. We usually only get to travel once a year together, so we made the most of it!
That's where I'll leave it for this evening,
But I thank you for checking back in with me,
And I wish you,
Warmer days and cozier nights,
~Pym
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Lately
A couple things have been going on lately to give me some extra stress, and Spencer will be happy to know that they're not because of anything he's done lol -- at least not directly.
First off, Spencer has cut ties with Kip, his drinking buddy. A toxic relationship indeed.
The trouble there is that Kip has reacted like a jilted girlfriend, contacting mutual friends to leave messages, and destroying some of the "gifts" given to him by Spencer in the past. One of which he sliced up with a knife or some sharp object. That prompted me to almost have a panic attack, thinking he's going to break in and hurt Baby, just to get back at Spencer. We're even considering taking out a restraining order on him.
Spencer and Huxley had to talk me down from the panic, though reasonable caution [and keeping our video camera with us always] is still the watchword.
The other thing happening that's hurt my feelings is the lack of communication from Cary. And I admit, it may be me being too sensitive on this one: Cary had a huge test that he needed to pass the other night, and I'd been really in his corner, rooting for him. But when he passed, he didn't text me to let me know, I had to find out from a facebook posting. It makes me feel a bit slighted and taken for granted. Along with that, a bunch of women on his friends list -- buxom, beautiful, and technically "free" -- congratulated him, and yes, jealousy has reared it's ugly head lol [Mine apparently.]
I'm sure I'm making a big deal out of that, but the feelings are real, and it's difficult for me to tamp them down. I think the reason it's bothering me is that I know Cary will eventually move on to someone he can marry, and maybe even have more kids with, and that even though I've been the one who has been his strongest supporter during the turmoil of his divorce, I know I'm going to get left in the dust of whatever his new life brings; and I know it's going to hurt.
But those are the consequences for the choices I've made in this life, and even though I'll probably feel pain, the love and relationship is still worth it.
There's also a bright spot on my horizon, and that's my friendship with Huxley. He's been given permission by his wife to gain sexual satisfaction elsewhere, and we'd both like very much to be able to consummate that freedom together.
Spencer has given his consent, and the only reason I'm wavering now is in consideration of Cary's feelings. On one hand, because of how much he's been hurt by his soon-to-be-ex-wife, I'm a little afraid to even broach the subject with him. On the other hand, his lack of communication -- and our co- lack of communication on the topic of seeing others [do we? is he? can I?] makes me wonder if it's something I should tell him at all. It seems we have a weird, unspoken agreement to not talk about personal things outside of we two.
I know that's anathema to the poly philosophy, but I also know that at this point I don't want to know if he's seeing someone else, and I'm honestly not sure if he'd want to know if I was. Only because of making sure we stay disease-free would I need to know.
I also don't want Huxley to feel like some Plan B, because if I thought no feelings were going to be hurt, I'd have been up to see him looong ago ;O)
Time to dash, but comments and advice are welcome,
Regards,
~Pym
First off, Spencer has cut ties with Kip, his drinking buddy. A toxic relationship indeed.
The trouble there is that Kip has reacted like a jilted girlfriend, contacting mutual friends to leave messages, and destroying some of the "gifts" given to him by Spencer in the past. One of which he sliced up with a knife or some sharp object. That prompted me to almost have a panic attack, thinking he's going to break in and hurt Baby, just to get back at Spencer. We're even considering taking out a restraining order on him.
Spencer and Huxley had to talk me down from the panic, though reasonable caution [and keeping our video camera with us always] is still the watchword.
The other thing happening that's hurt my feelings is the lack of communication from Cary. And I admit, it may be me being too sensitive on this one: Cary had a huge test that he needed to pass the other night, and I'd been really in his corner, rooting for him. But when he passed, he didn't text me to let me know, I had to find out from a facebook posting. It makes me feel a bit slighted and taken for granted. Along with that, a bunch of women on his friends list -- buxom, beautiful, and technically "free" -- congratulated him, and yes, jealousy has reared it's ugly head lol [Mine apparently.]
I'm sure I'm making a big deal out of that, but the feelings are real, and it's difficult for me to tamp them down. I think the reason it's bothering me is that I know Cary will eventually move on to someone he can marry, and maybe even have more kids with, and that even though I've been the one who has been his strongest supporter during the turmoil of his divorce, I know I'm going to get left in the dust of whatever his new life brings; and I know it's going to hurt.
But those are the consequences for the choices I've made in this life, and even though I'll probably feel pain, the love and relationship is still worth it.
There's also a bright spot on my horizon, and that's my friendship with Huxley. He's been given permission by his wife to gain sexual satisfaction elsewhere, and we'd both like very much to be able to consummate that freedom together.
Spencer has given his consent, and the only reason I'm wavering now is in consideration of Cary's feelings. On one hand, because of how much he's been hurt by his soon-to-be-ex-wife, I'm a little afraid to even broach the subject with him. On the other hand, his lack of communication -- and our co- lack of communication on the topic of seeing others [do we? is he? can I?] makes me wonder if it's something I should tell him at all. It seems we have a weird, unspoken agreement to not talk about personal things outside of we two.
I know that's anathema to the poly philosophy, but I also know that at this point I don't want to know if he's seeing someone else, and I'm honestly not sure if he'd want to know if I was. Only because of making sure we stay disease-free would I need to know.
I also don't want Huxley to feel like some Plan B, because if I thought no feelings were going to be hurt, I'd have been up to see him looong ago ;O)
Time to dash, but comments and advice are welcome,
Regards,
~Pym
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Reboot
It's a new year, and even though I had considered deactivating Pym's Escape, I've decided to keep it up.
KBO, that's what Winston Churchill said, "Keep Buggering On."
I hadn't posted for awhile because at first, things were going much better, and I hadn't had to escape into Pym's. Then the weather got too cold to even sit for long in our computer room. But what might have been the final blow to Pym's was that it didn't feel therapeutic or beneficial any longer, when Spencer would say during or after an argument, "go tell it on Pym's." It felt like it was the end of me being able to be open and honest on Pym's without it later being chucked in my face.
When we'd both cooled down after that particular argument, Spencer asked me to keep the blog up and use it; that I needed the outlet.
In that spirit then, of having healthy outlets, I'm declaring 2011 The Year of Pym's Mental Health.
Though changing from one year to another is mainly a psychological move [every night at midnight, even every minute or every second is a change from one year to another] it's still a good opportunity to set some mental goals, to delineate a starting point for improvement.
And in declaring 2011 The Year of Pym's Mental Health, I'm sort of declaring my independence. Independence from all the worrying and wigging-out over Spencer's drinking -- it's not anything I can control anyway. Independence from other worries that plague me as an obsessive-compulsive. And my actions and decisions will be based on how something will effect my mental health.
In essence, I come first.
That doesn't mean that what I decide will be counter to what Spencer may need, or what my relationship with him, or with Cary, or with Huxley [which may be progressing towards physical intimacy as well] will need. What I need isn't necessarily mutually exclusive to what others need, but I'm putting my mental health first. I don't think any of the people who love me will begrudge me that.
Here's to a new year, new friendships, new-life to important relationships, and a shiny, refurbished, almost-like-new but even better mental outlook.
KBO, that's what Winston Churchill said, "Keep Buggering On."
I hadn't posted for awhile because at first, things were going much better, and I hadn't had to escape into Pym's. Then the weather got too cold to even sit for long in our computer room. But what might have been the final blow to Pym's was that it didn't feel therapeutic or beneficial any longer, when Spencer would say during or after an argument, "go tell it on Pym's." It felt like it was the end of me being able to be open and honest on Pym's without it later being chucked in my face.
When we'd both cooled down after that particular argument, Spencer asked me to keep the blog up and use it; that I needed the outlet.
In that spirit then, of having healthy outlets, I'm declaring 2011 The Year of Pym's Mental Health.
Though changing from one year to another is mainly a psychological move [every night at midnight, even every minute or every second is a change from one year to another] it's still a good opportunity to set some mental goals, to delineate a starting point for improvement.
And in declaring 2011 The Year of Pym's Mental Health, I'm sort of declaring my independence. Independence from all the worrying and wigging-out over Spencer's drinking -- it's not anything I can control anyway. Independence from other worries that plague me as an obsessive-compulsive. And my actions and decisions will be based on how something will effect my mental health.
In essence, I come first.
That doesn't mean that what I decide will be counter to what Spencer may need, or what my relationship with him, or with Cary, or with Huxley [which may be progressing towards physical intimacy as well] will need. What I need isn't necessarily mutually exclusive to what others need, but I'm putting my mental health first. I don't think any of the people who love me will begrudge me that.
Here's to a new year, new friendships, new-life to important relationships, and a shiny, refurbished, almost-like-new but even better mental outlook.
Monday, November 1, 2010
Quick Update
My overtime project is done -- yay! -- and a lot things have happened since I've last been able to post. The two main things: Spencer's rehab didn't fly...for various reasons; and Cary's wife has asked him for a divorce.
I'll try to fill in the details a little more later, but those are the biggies.
Missed everyone!
~Pym
I'll try to fill in the details a little more later, but those are the biggies.
Missed everyone!
~Pym
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Busy Busy Week
It's Saturday and I'm still working, and probably will be through the weekend, but it's been great to be busy! A bunch of us did stop for awhile yesterday, and attended Seth's memorial service. It's so hard to believe he's gone and not coming back, but the service was filled with remembrances and not too sad. There was even some humor, which was fitting, because Seth was always with a smile and laugh.
Spencer has been feeling positive results from his chiropractic appointments, which makes him less cranky from being in pain all the time, and hence, much easier to live with lol. And he wants to try some herbal supplements for pain such as devil's claw, if we can get our hands on it.
Yesterday I got to see Cary for some spontaneous afternoon delight, and I carried the wonderful feeling with me the rest of the day.
Spencer might meet a woman next week that he's been friends with on facebook for quite awhile. He really does need another positive relationship to give him a boost, especially now that he'll be starting the rehab program. The more support the better!
Must dash; so much to do!
Hope all is well in your world,
~Pym
Spencer has been feeling positive results from his chiropractic appointments, which makes him less cranky from being in pain all the time, and hence, much easier to live with lol. And he wants to try some herbal supplements for pain such as devil's claw, if we can get our hands on it.
Yesterday I got to see Cary for some spontaneous afternoon delight, and I carried the wonderful feeling with me the rest of the day.
Spencer might meet a woman next week that he's been friends with on facebook for quite awhile. He really does need another positive relationship to give him a boost, especially now that he'll be starting the rehab program. The more support the better!
Must dash; so much to do!
Hope all is well in your world,
~Pym
Monday, September 20, 2010
House Season Premiere
Just finished watching the season premiere of House!
We've been waiting all summer for this!
And...it was a lot like watching Spencer and me interact: we really do love each other, we have great sex together, and we both acknowledge that he's really screwed up. Also, I have my own "by-the-book" neuroses, like Cuddy, that probably drive Spencer crazy, too. [And, wow, do I wish I looked like her! lol]
It may be no coincidence that we are drawn to watch a television program that plays out some of the love/"hate" relationship we have with each other; the problems of a brilliant madman, and a strong but loving woman. In my case, I need to use my strength more to assert myself for the good of our relationship, and our health--both physical and mental.
Spencer and I spoke a little more after work today, about this past weekend. I said I was going to call our psychologist to see if he can help Spencer get into a residential rehab facility. [Supposedly so many beds are to be left available for those without insurance, but there's a long waiting list. Please send us positive thoughts on the effort.] Spencer said that if he can be admitted, he'll go.
That's what I needed to hear.
'Night all,
~Pym
We've been waiting all summer for this!
And...it was a lot like watching Spencer and me interact: we really do love each other, we have great sex together, and we both acknowledge that he's really screwed up. Also, I have my own "by-the-book" neuroses, like Cuddy, that probably drive Spencer crazy, too. [And, wow, do I wish I looked like her! lol]
It may be no coincidence that we are drawn to watch a television program that plays out some of the love/"hate" relationship we have with each other; the problems of a brilliant madman, and a strong but loving woman. In my case, I need to use my strength more to assert myself for the good of our relationship, and our health--both physical and mental.
Spencer and I spoke a little more after work today, about this past weekend. I said I was going to call our psychologist to see if he can help Spencer get into a residential rehab facility. [Supposedly so many beds are to be left available for those without insurance, but there's a long waiting list. Please send us positive thoughts on the effort.] Spencer said that if he can be admitted, he'll go.
That's what I needed to hear.
'Night all,
~Pym
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Sunday After
I'm thankful that I've had a much better day today than yesterday:
Spencer's still on a binge, but we have hardly argued, and he's sleeping right now. We did talk some last night about separating due to the drinking, though I don't know if he'll remember it when he sobers up. It tears my heart out to think of us not living together, but I don't know if I can continue and keep what's left of my mental health that I have.
Spencer didn't mind that I went to see Cary for a while today, either. [However, he wanted a 12-pack, so "he wouldn't go over to Kip's for it."] It felt like the extortion it was but I agreed, because I just didn't want to argue, and was in a hurry.
The time with Cary was a wonderful "mini-vacation" for my body and mind, and Spencer was happy for me when I got home. He was also happy that I brought home dinner lol
Working on a terrible tooth- and headache right now, and will be crashing out soon. I think I hurt my farthest back, right side, tooth on hard pizza crust *rolls eyes at myself* and it's made worse with the constant stress-clenching of my jaw.
I'd like to wake up tomorrow to a clean slate of sorts, between Spencer and me, with some more discussion in the evening of the direction we need to take.
If we can at least keep communicating we may be alright. But the more resentment I feel, the more I want to close off, and that's a feeling I've got to fight if I think our relationship is worth it.
Havin' an early night,
~Pym
Spencer's still on a binge, but we have hardly argued, and he's sleeping right now. We did talk some last night about separating due to the drinking, though I don't know if he'll remember it when he sobers up. It tears my heart out to think of us not living together, but I don't know if I can continue and keep what's left of my mental health that I have.
Spencer didn't mind that I went to see Cary for a while today, either. [However, he wanted a 12-pack, so "he wouldn't go over to Kip's for it."] It felt like the extortion it was but I agreed, because I just didn't want to argue, and was in a hurry.
The time with Cary was a wonderful "mini-vacation" for my body and mind, and Spencer was happy for me when I got home. He was also happy that I brought home dinner lol
Working on a terrible tooth- and headache right now, and will be crashing out soon. I think I hurt my farthest back, right side, tooth on hard pizza crust *rolls eyes at myself* and it's made worse with the constant stress-clenching of my jaw.
I'd like to wake up tomorrow to a clean slate of sorts, between Spencer and me, with some more discussion in the evening of the direction we need to take.
If we can at least keep communicating we may be alright. But the more resentment I feel, the more I want to close off, and that's a feeling I've got to fight if I think our relationship is worth it.
Havin' an early night,
~Pym
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Taze Me Bro
It's been almost 48 hours since Spencer began this weekend's binge, starting Friday evening, continuing through this morning--with a break of crashing out in snores on the couch for thankfully some hours--and he said to me as I went hurrying out the door this morning that he may not be home when I get back later this evening.
I was going out the door to first go shopping, then come in to work to get some stuff done. The hurrying part was because I just had to get out of the house. Friday night was fine because Spencer stayed at Kip's. Saturday evening he came home after they had another argument [shocking that two guys would get into an argument after a full day of beer-drinking] and I've been a bundle of stress since. It doesn't bode well for a relationship, when things seem to go better when you're apart...just saying.
In the middle of The Men Who Stare At Goats, Spencer came in last night, telling me about the argument with Kip. Then he wanted me to start the movie over so he could watch it. So, I started the movie over and then he kept saying, "I don't like this movie," and talking over it and looking away at the good parts. I said, "Fine, then leave the room; no one's making you watch the movie." And it went downhill from there...
Our communication can be bad in the best of times; add to that his couple dozen beers, my three, and we might as well each be talking to goats. Spencer's personality goes hot and cold, angry to loving, yelling at the TV to solicitude to me, from "I don't know why you married me," to, "I love you so much." This roller-coaster of not knowing how he'll react to anything raises my blood pressure and makes my nerve endings freak out. But then, in a lucid moment, he gives me the most beautiful compliment I've ever gotten: "You're the reason artists paint pictures." Waaah! Then it's followed with more wild talk and anger at the world. It all makes me want to run...literally having the impulse to run out of the house yelling crazy-cat-lady phrases...with only the fear of embarrassment or involuntary committal keeping me in check. Then tomorrow, when he hopefully sobers up, we'll probably have a wonderful day. Is it any wonder that this up and down road is leading me to LoopDeeLoo Land?
Sometimes I want to be knocked out for only a little while; someone klunk me with a frying pan, or taze me; then take me to a beach, coat me with sunblock, lay me down on a towel, and let me wake up with a book in one hand and a Corona in the other. Preferably a beach in Puerto Rico. I'd be more likely to have Benicio del Toro trip over me.
Breathing deeply, moving on for the day.
Thank you, Dear Reader, for being a "listening ear"; it always makes me feel better to get it out.
:O)
~Pym
I was going out the door to first go shopping, then come in to work to get some stuff done. The hurrying part was because I just had to get out of the house. Friday night was fine because Spencer stayed at Kip's. Saturday evening he came home after they had another argument [shocking that two guys would get into an argument after a full day of beer-drinking] and I've been a bundle of stress since. It doesn't bode well for a relationship, when things seem to go better when you're apart...just saying.
In the middle of The Men Who Stare At Goats, Spencer came in last night, telling me about the argument with Kip. Then he wanted me to start the movie over so he could watch it. So, I started the movie over and then he kept saying, "I don't like this movie," and talking over it and looking away at the good parts. I said, "Fine, then leave the room; no one's making you watch the movie." And it went downhill from there...
Our communication can be bad in the best of times; add to that his couple dozen beers, my three, and we might as well each be talking to goats. Spencer's personality goes hot and cold, angry to loving, yelling at the TV to solicitude to me, from "I don't know why you married me," to, "I love you so much." This roller-coaster of not knowing how he'll react to anything raises my blood pressure and makes my nerve endings freak out. But then, in a lucid moment, he gives me the most beautiful compliment I've ever gotten: "You're the reason artists paint pictures." Waaah! Then it's followed with more wild talk and anger at the world. It all makes me want to run...literally having the impulse to run out of the house yelling crazy-cat-lady phrases...with only the fear of embarrassment or involuntary committal keeping me in check. Then tomorrow, when he hopefully sobers up, we'll probably have a wonderful day. Is it any wonder that this up and down road is leading me to LoopDeeLoo Land?
Sometimes I want to be knocked out for only a little while; someone klunk me with a frying pan, or taze me; then take me to a beach, coat me with sunblock, lay me down on a towel, and let me wake up with a book in one hand and a Corona in the other. Preferably a beach in Puerto Rico. I'd be more likely to have Benicio del Toro trip over me.
Breathing deeply, moving on for the day.
Thank you, Dear Reader, for being a "listening ear"; it always makes me feel better to get it out.
:O)
~Pym
Friday, September 10, 2010
Familiarity Breeds Irritability
Spencer's over at Kip's this evening, probably till morning, so I can have a quiet night. I just got out of a soapy bath, feeling cleansed and more relaxed now.
I really feel like I've been a bitch lately so I needed it. Somehow, like that phrase "familiarity breeds contempt," I've been letting Spencer's usual quirks and habits get on my nerves. I changed the wording of the phrase, though, because it's not contempt for him that I feel, but irritation. And I feel like it originates with me, not with him.
Spencer's always talked a mile-a-minute, and I do have a hard time getting a word in sometimes. He uses a lot of the same phrases when he talks, repeats words for emphasis, and can be downright predictable. I should be used to all this; but lately it's been stomping on my last nerve. That's why I think it's mainly me being cranky and irritable.
Yesterday I even cried because when I picked him up after work I had some stuff to talk to him about, and because I somehow couldn't verbalize to him to stop talking for a few minutes so that I could say something, I just let myself get more steamed as we did a little shopping and headed back home. At home I was finally able to say what I was wanting to say, and started crying out of frustration, which made him feel bad. We worked out the issue and still had a good evening together, but I felt soo frustrated, not just with him but with my inability to communicate what I was feeling, at the time it was needed.
It could be every-day stresses, added to some things that have come up at work, that are whittling away at me, but I don't want to take these things out on Spencer.
We had our monthly counseling appointment the other morning which went well, but I wasn't feeling that irritable at the time, so I didn't think to bring any of this up.
I've got some vacation time coming up towards the end of this month, so hopefully I can take a necessary "breather" in order to get centered, and quit being so hard on Spencer...and maybe on myself.
~Pym
I really feel like I've been a bitch lately so I needed it. Somehow, like that phrase "familiarity breeds contempt," I've been letting Spencer's usual quirks and habits get on my nerves. I changed the wording of the phrase, though, because it's not contempt for him that I feel, but irritation. And I feel like it originates with me, not with him.
Spencer's always talked a mile-a-minute, and I do have a hard time getting a word in sometimes. He uses a lot of the same phrases when he talks, repeats words for emphasis, and can be downright predictable. I should be used to all this; but lately it's been stomping on my last nerve. That's why I think it's mainly me being cranky and irritable.
Yesterday I even cried because when I picked him up after work I had some stuff to talk to him about, and because I somehow couldn't verbalize to him to stop talking for a few minutes so that I could say something, I just let myself get more steamed as we did a little shopping and headed back home. At home I was finally able to say what I was wanting to say, and started crying out of frustration, which made him feel bad. We worked out the issue and still had a good evening together, but I felt soo frustrated, not just with him but with my inability to communicate what I was feeling, at the time it was needed.
It could be every-day stresses, added to some things that have come up at work, that are whittling away at me, but I don't want to take these things out on Spencer.
We had our monthly counseling appointment the other morning which went well, but I wasn't feeling that irritable at the time, so I didn't think to bring any of this up.
I've got some vacation time coming up towards the end of this month, so hopefully I can take a necessary "breather" in order to get centered, and quit being so hard on Spencer...and maybe on myself.
~Pym
Monday, August 30, 2010
Double-dip Sunday
'Had a super-sweet Sunday yesterday, being able to spend a couple very languid hours with Cary [while Spencer voluntarily perused his favorite local store], then in the evening having the pleasure of giving a tasty bj to Spencer.
So often lately Cary and I have had to experience "quickies" which are exciting in and among themselves, but the time flies too quickly. Yesterday we could take our time, makes lots of noise, and lay together for a long time after, having conversation on a range of topics while holding and touching each other. It was the drawn-out time I'd needed with him for awhile, and I thanked Spencer profusely for the gift of time alone with Cary.
And not that he asked to be rewarded, but part of showing my appreciation to Spencer entailed a pleasurably mouth-watering bj on the couch.
And I am appreciative to be blessed with these relationships. I've thought not a few times today that even though I can be stressed by a lot of factors, I am truly lucky to be able to experience so much love in my life -- Thank you, Universe!
I'm going to try to wind down now and get some reading in before sleep,
'Night all,
~Pym
So often lately Cary and I have had to experience "quickies" which are exciting in and among themselves, but the time flies too quickly. Yesterday we could take our time, makes lots of noise, and lay together for a long time after, having conversation on a range of topics while holding and touching each other. It was the drawn-out time I'd needed with him for awhile, and I thanked Spencer profusely for the gift of time alone with Cary.
And not that he asked to be rewarded, but part of showing my appreciation to Spencer entailed a pleasurably mouth-watering bj on the couch.
And I am appreciative to be blessed with these relationships. I've thought not a few times today that even though I can be stressed by a lot of factors, I am truly lucky to be able to experience so much love in my life -- Thank you, Universe!
I'm going to try to wind down now and get some reading in before sleep,
'Night all,
~Pym
Sunday, August 29, 2010
The First Love Part IV
In the last First Love post, George and I had really hit it off in an unusually short time, emotionally and physically. We were instant messaging daily and he was still saying how he was the Luckiest Man in the World, and calling me Princess. It was smittenness at first sight.
Needless to say this wasn't going over all that well with our spouses. Spencer was concerned mainly about how fast we'd become attached. Hillary was concerned because we shouldn't be getting attached at all: they were swingers and it should be all physical. But I think she was going to let this ride for awhile, probably hoping it'd run its course.
An outing was planned for George and Hillary and myself, to go out shopping [he wanted to buy me an outfit, dress me up as his Princess] and go to dinner afterward and maybe more. To me the day was wonderful, and Hillary even joked about how George was taking "his women" out. We did the shopping thing, and went out to dinner, and then discussed plans for the evening.
George just about flipped when his wife gave the go-ahead for the three of us to get a motel room. And I was walking on clouds!
We found a place not too far from either of our homes and all went up to the room. The three of us first lounged in the hot tub, and George gave Hillary the first "attentions" which I thought was only right, since she's his wife. There wasn't any sexual attraction between Hillary and me, so it was all up to George to satisfy us both lol We played around taking some pictures, and I gave George a gift of edible man's briefs which were a crack-up. From there on, most of what I remember is the "attentions" George gave me.
Actually Hillary got a phone call on her cell and sat by the window talking for a bit, but she had to have heard George and me going at it on one of the beds. I was just soaking it all in, pun intended. I asked him to cum inside me so I could feel closer to him and he loved it.
After Hillary's call, we all lay on the bed, George spooning me, and we watched some television. In a while, Hillary was going to have to leave because she had to get up very early in the a.m. for work, and she and George made a decision they'd never allowed themselves to make before: for one of them to be all alone with another partner. She probably later regretted it, because it was that time alone that let George and I really bond.
George took Hillary home and came back to be with me, having made an agreement with her that he wouldn't stay too late. It wasn't to be an all-nighter. When he came back, I was ready for him again, and then the darndest, most-romantic thing happened: a storm hit and the power went out! Now, for bonding purposes, [see practically any romance novel] you can't beat storms and power-outages, with heroes holding heroines in the dark, making love to the thunder, and the hero whispering in the heroine's ear, "I could really develop feelings for you."
In time, we had to yank ourselves back to reality, George had to drive me home and say goodbye, and our night out of a storybook was over.
For all the intense feelings we'd developed, we would only get to see each other a few more times before the incompatibility of our two couples' philosophies would be impossible to overcome.
More in part V.
~Pym
Needless to say this wasn't going over all that well with our spouses. Spencer was concerned mainly about how fast we'd become attached. Hillary was concerned because we shouldn't be getting attached at all: they were swingers and it should be all physical. But I think she was going to let this ride for awhile, probably hoping it'd run its course.
An outing was planned for George and Hillary and myself, to go out shopping [he wanted to buy me an outfit, dress me up as his Princess] and go to dinner afterward and maybe more. To me the day was wonderful, and Hillary even joked about how George was taking "his women" out. We did the shopping thing, and went out to dinner, and then discussed plans for the evening.
George just about flipped when his wife gave the go-ahead for the three of us to get a motel room. And I was walking on clouds!
We found a place not too far from either of our homes and all went up to the room. The three of us first lounged in the hot tub, and George gave Hillary the first "attentions" which I thought was only right, since she's his wife. There wasn't any sexual attraction between Hillary and me, so it was all up to George to satisfy us both lol We played around taking some pictures, and I gave George a gift of edible man's briefs which were a crack-up. From there on, most of what I remember is the "attentions" George gave me.
Actually Hillary got a phone call on her cell and sat by the window talking for a bit, but she had to have heard George and me going at it on one of the beds. I was just soaking it all in, pun intended. I asked him to cum inside me so I could feel closer to him and he loved it.
After Hillary's call, we all lay on the bed, George spooning me, and we watched some television. In a while, Hillary was going to have to leave because she had to get up very early in the a.m. for work, and she and George made a decision they'd never allowed themselves to make before: for one of them to be all alone with another partner. She probably later regretted it, because it was that time alone that let George and I really bond.
George took Hillary home and came back to be with me, having made an agreement with her that he wouldn't stay too late. It wasn't to be an all-nighter. When he came back, I was ready for him again, and then the darndest, most-romantic thing happened: a storm hit and the power went out! Now, for bonding purposes, [see practically any romance novel] you can't beat storms and power-outages, with heroes holding heroines in the dark, making love to the thunder, and the hero whispering in the heroine's ear, "I could really develop feelings for you."
In time, we had to yank ourselves back to reality, George had to drive me home and say goodbye, and our night out of a storybook was over.
For all the intense feelings we'd developed, we would only get to see each other a few more times before the incompatibility of our two couples' philosophies would be impossible to overcome.
More in part V.
~Pym
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Joyful Domesticity, Really.
To show that we're not always fussing, this is a post of domestic positivity. I've got today off and Spencer and I have enjoyed a morning of yard work, which we both love. Mowing, trimming, raking. And the weather is so beautiful today; finally a break in the heat wave! Now we're doing laundry and will hang that out on the line.
These are the days I love. Dr. Jekyll is here; no sign of Mr. Hyde. This is why we married and made a life together.
And that's basically what I want at this point in my life and our relationship. Sweet, boring nesting, with extra-love from our partner(s).
Compared to some of the hairier times, I call it domestic bliss.
~Pym
These are the days I love. Dr. Jekyll is here; no sign of Mr. Hyde. This is why we married and made a life together.
And that's basically what I want at this point in my life and our relationship. Sweet, boring nesting, with extra-love from our partner(s).
Compared to some of the hairier times, I call it domestic bliss.
~Pym
Monday, August 9, 2010
It's Monday
The weekend wasn't too bad; Spencer and I had Saturday together, though he continued his drinking from Friday night, and I got my own six-pack of Miller Chill. We spent the first half of the day sleeping, did some yard work, then some needful errands, came back to the house, cooked a pizza and watched television.
Sunday morning, Spencer slept in, and I nursed a terrible self-inflicted headache from my six-pack. I'm such a dumb-ass, to drink even that much, but at the time, with the lime flavor, they tasted so good. I willed myself to not throw up, slept a little more with ice on my head, was able to manage running a few errands, came back and mowed part of the lawn, and played online.
Spencer went back over to Kip's that afternoon and said he was going to spend the night, so as not to disturb me on a work night. Well, at about 1:30 in the morning he calls twice to say he's on his way home. As I'm now already awake, I watch for him so he won't have to hunt his key. If it weren't so sad, seeing him toddle around the corner, just a-wobbling along, it might have been comical.
After I let him in, we had a typical argument and I tried to go to bed. I made it into bed, but then Spencer had to "talk", which means ramble on. His biggest complaint last night being how much pain his legs are in. [We think he's developed a bad case of sciatica, but can't get to a doc anytime soon.] And how he thinks no one cares, da da da. Even though I can't feel his pain, I do understand that he's in pain. But I can't do anything about it and he doesn't get that. If there was some way for him to earn a couple hundred dollars, we could get him started at a chiropractor. I keep telling him to put ice on his legs, but he refuses because it makes him have to go pee. I'd think he'd take a few extra pisses if it helped him feel better. After our lengthy fussing, he finally left me alone in bed and went to sleep on the couch.
Anyway, this evening, Monday, Spencer is back at Kip's, helping him set up his new computer, and I hope he keeps his word that he won't drink since we have a counseling appointment in the morning.
Either way I'll go, but he needs it just as much as I. And after writing this entry, it's easier to see what a repetitive rut we're in. It could be any Monday in our lives over the past 10 years.
I'd apologize to Dear Reader for the boring content, but I think this is what life is like for most of us. Living, loving, working, bearing crosses, rinsing, and repeating.
'Evening,
~Pym
Sunday morning, Spencer slept in, and I nursed a terrible self-inflicted headache from my six-pack. I'm such a dumb-ass, to drink even that much, but at the time, with the lime flavor, they tasted so good. I willed myself to not throw up, slept a little more with ice on my head, was able to manage running a few errands, came back and mowed part of the lawn, and played online.
Spencer went back over to Kip's that afternoon and said he was going to spend the night, so as not to disturb me on a work night. Well, at about 1:30 in the morning he calls twice to say he's on his way home. As I'm now already awake, I watch for him so he won't have to hunt his key. If it weren't so sad, seeing him toddle around the corner, just a-wobbling along, it might have been comical.
After I let him in, we had a typical argument and I tried to go to bed. I made it into bed, but then Spencer had to "talk", which means ramble on. His biggest complaint last night being how much pain his legs are in. [We think he's developed a bad case of sciatica, but can't get to a doc anytime soon.] And how he thinks no one cares, da da da. Even though I can't feel his pain, I do understand that he's in pain. But I can't do anything about it and he doesn't get that. If there was some way for him to earn a couple hundred dollars, we could get him started at a chiropractor. I keep telling him to put ice on his legs, but he refuses because it makes him have to go pee. I'd think he'd take a few extra pisses if it helped him feel better. After our lengthy fussing, he finally left me alone in bed and went to sleep on the couch.
Anyway, this evening, Monday, Spencer is back at Kip's, helping him set up his new computer, and I hope he keeps his word that he won't drink since we have a counseling appointment in the morning.
Either way I'll go, but he needs it just as much as I. And after writing this entry, it's easier to see what a repetitive rut we're in. It could be any Monday in our lives over the past 10 years.
I'd apologize to Dear Reader for the boring content, but I think this is what life is like for most of us. Living, loving, working, bearing crosses, rinsing, and repeating.
'Evening,
~Pym
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
The First Love, Part II
The day that Spencer and Judith had arranged to have their first sexual encounter, I'd arranged to go to the movies [I remember it was Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy] with a platonic guy friend of mine. He apparently didn't notice how nervous and shaky I was the whole time, thinking of what Spencer was doing at home.
I believe I was intellectually ready -- most of us in this lifestyle say we are -- but the actual leap from an academic discussion of poly to going the full step of caring penetration with another is just that, a leap -- of trust, and faith -- me trusting that Spencer won't go too far emotionally, and he trusting me that I won't in the end wig out.
Well, I didn't wig out, and though it was a difficult step, I was glad that Spencer and Judith had a good time together. It was a feeling of compersion for two people I genuinely cared about and loved.
The problem started with Spencer's growing love for Judith growing into an almost obsession with Judith. Wanting to know if I'd talked to her; she didn't write him back right away, is she off him or ignoring him? Is she talking to other guys? Calling her at her work when he should have been calling me at mine. Yes, after several months of this, I got jealous, and sometimes downright mad.
Spencer does have a habit of latching on to a relationship and nearly driving it into the ground; it's something he's working on now, but back then, I was sick of it. If I heard her name once more I was going to scream!
Eventually, because of conflicts brought on by Spencer's modus operandi, and because of other things on Judith's part, they did go separate ways. I had to say I was relieved, though there was the continual questioning of me if I'd talked to her or seen her and if she asked about Spencer.
Soon however, the tables were going to be turned after we met a couple through Swing Lifestyle, George and Hillary.
And did I ever fall for George.
~Pym
I believe I was intellectually ready -- most of us in this lifestyle say we are -- but the actual leap from an academic discussion of poly to going the full step of caring penetration with another is just that, a leap -- of trust, and faith -- me trusting that Spencer won't go too far emotionally, and he trusting me that I won't in the end wig out.
Well, I didn't wig out, and though it was a difficult step, I was glad that Spencer and Judith had a good time together. It was a feeling of compersion for two people I genuinely cared about and loved.
The problem started with Spencer's growing love for Judith growing into an almost obsession with Judith. Wanting to know if I'd talked to her; she didn't write him back right away, is she off him or ignoring him? Is she talking to other guys? Calling her at her work when he should have been calling me at mine. Yes, after several months of this, I got jealous, and sometimes downright mad.
Spencer does have a habit of latching on to a relationship and nearly driving it into the ground; it's something he's working on now, but back then, I was sick of it. If I heard her name once more I was going to scream!
Eventually, because of conflicts brought on by Spencer's modus operandi, and because of other things on Judith's part, they did go separate ways. I had to say I was relieved, though there was the continual questioning of me if I'd talked to her or seen her and if she asked about Spencer.
Soon however, the tables were going to be turned after we met a couple through Swing Lifestyle, George and Hillary.
And did I ever fall for George.
~Pym
Monday, April 26, 2010
House Open Marriage Episode
Spencer and I watched tonight's episode of House together, and I'm chatting with Cary about it now. We're all three pretty much in agreement that the episode leaned toward being anti-open marriage. And I thought it was done a bit heavy-handedly: HEY EVERYBODY, THEY HAVE AN OPEN MARRIAGE! And this allows the doctors to ask all kinds of personal questions, even though it would have no bearing on her present condition.
I think Rachel [Taub's wife] was on the right track when she was giving him permission: I think if he'd have gone out with Maya while having permission, it would have taken the thrill out of it, and he probably wouldn't have gone through with it anyway.
Taub was a buffoon for broaching the subject of open marriage with his wife in a crowded restaurant--you can't discuss anything serious in that setting. And once Rachel did give him Thursdays, even if she could have followed through, he should have had more class than to jump on the very next Thursday. And why should it have been any of Taub's co-worker's business?? And why was Foreman especially hard on Taub?
I also wonder why the words polyamory or swinger were never spoken. Not that they're the same thing, but with all the conversation you'd think someone would have said one or the other.
Lots of food for thought in this episode, though it probably was done mainly for titillation and ratings--hey, it worked in getting us to watch!
Would love to hear anyone else's comments on it, too.
'Night,
~Pym
I think Rachel [Taub's wife] was on the right track when she was giving him permission: I think if he'd have gone out with Maya while having permission, it would have taken the thrill out of it, and he probably wouldn't have gone through with it anyway.
Taub was a buffoon for broaching the subject of open marriage with his wife in a crowded restaurant--you can't discuss anything serious in that setting. And once Rachel did give him Thursdays, even if she could have followed through, he should have had more class than to jump on the very next Thursday. And why should it have been any of Taub's co-worker's business?? And why was Foreman especially hard on Taub?
I also wonder why the words polyamory or swinger were never spoken. Not that they're the same thing, but with all the conversation you'd think someone would have said one or the other.
Lots of food for thought in this episode, though it probably was done mainly for titillation and ratings--hey, it worked in getting us to watch!
Would love to hear anyone else's comments on it, too.
'Night,
~Pym
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
First Experiences, Part III
In searching for ways to experience our chosen lifestyle and meet like-minded people, Spencer registered us on numerous adult web sites [and I think he has since quite enjoyed perusing profiles--especially the accompanying photos--guys are so visual!]
It really does take a lot of sifting through profiles on those sites to find legitimate people or couples with whom one has philosophies and interests in common; most are players or ads. After a lot of profile "screening," a woman with whom Spencer began corresponding would be our first let's-do-something-intimate-at-home encounter.
Sydney really was a sweet person: a single mom, intelligent, very pretty, and open-minded about sex and sexuality. We were invited to visit her at her work a few times to talk in person, and eventually we did invite her over to watch a movie, and see what might develop.
To begin with, this being our first planned meeting with someone made me anxious, even though I liked Sydney as a person. Also, Sydney unfortunately wore a perfume that was awful; it truly turned my stomach. I have no idea how Spencer could stand it, or even how she could wear it! I didn't want to hurt her feelings by saying anything, but by the time the movie ended I was about to be physically ill, and I should have spoken up then, but I didn't want to spoil the evening.
After chatting a bit when the movie was over, we all agreed that we'd try for Sydney to give Spencer a blow-job while I watched, then see if he could make her orgasm--no penetration--we all knew I wasn't ready for that. I did think I was ready for this "lite" encounter, but I felt so ill from the smell of her perfume, and my insides were churning from the anxiety of this new experience, that I was crying before it was all over.
I encouraged Spencer and Sydney to cut it short, and they knew I wanted her to leave--without being physically satisfied herself. Afterwards, I did feel bad for causing the evening to be halted, and I know both weren't happy with me, but it was all I could do to not vomit over the whole scene, which no doubt would have been mortifying.
When I explained the physical effect her scent had on me, Spencer understood, but needless to say, we heard from Sydney only once or twice after that. It was a dipping of our toes in the waters of non-monogamy and a learning experience, maybe for all three of us:
1) Verbalize limits as soon as you feel them
2) Be understanding if your spouse expresses discomfort
3) Don't wear pukey cologne
--Pym
It really does take a lot of sifting through profiles on those sites to find legitimate people or couples with whom one has philosophies and interests in common; most are players or ads. After a lot of profile "screening," a woman with whom Spencer began corresponding would be our first let's-do-something-intimate-at-home encounter.
Sydney really was a sweet person: a single mom, intelligent, very pretty, and open-minded about sex and sexuality. We were invited to visit her at her work a few times to talk in person, and eventually we did invite her over to watch a movie, and see what might develop.
To begin with, this being our first planned meeting with someone made me anxious, even though I liked Sydney as a person. Also, Sydney unfortunately wore a perfume that was awful; it truly turned my stomach. I have no idea how Spencer could stand it, or even how she could wear it! I didn't want to hurt her feelings by saying anything, but by the time the movie ended I was about to be physically ill, and I should have spoken up then, but I didn't want to spoil the evening.
After chatting a bit when the movie was over, we all agreed that we'd try for Sydney to give Spencer a blow-job while I watched, then see if he could make her orgasm--no penetration--we all knew I wasn't ready for that. I did think I was ready for this "lite" encounter, but I felt so ill from the smell of her perfume, and my insides were churning from the anxiety of this new experience, that I was crying before it was all over.
I encouraged Spencer and Sydney to cut it short, and they knew I wanted her to leave--without being physically satisfied herself. Afterwards, I did feel bad for causing the evening to be halted, and I know both weren't happy with me, but it was all I could do to not vomit over the whole scene, which no doubt would have been mortifying.
When I explained the physical effect her scent had on me, Spencer understood, but needless to say, we heard from Sydney only once or twice after that. It was a dipping of our toes in the waters of non-monogamy and a learning experience, maybe for all three of us:
1) Verbalize limits as soon as you feel them
2) Be understanding if your spouse expresses discomfort
3) Don't wear pukey cologne
--Pym
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Dr. Jekyll
I really don't have any qualms in admitting that I'm an enabler, nor in emphasizing the goodness, the Dr. Jekyll side, of Spencer. He's hard enough on himself as it is, and me constantly criticizing doesn't help the deep self-esteem issues. I'm sure that's more of my enabling traits, but I find it hard to tear someone down when a) they're busy fighting demons that have tentacles longer than both our lives, and b) I love them.
Since Pym's Escape is my way to vent, I'm sure it's giving a more negative view of Spencer. I may have painted him as only Mr. Hyde, and there really is so much more to him. I could give a laundry list of all of his Jekyll qualities, his sense of humor, his sexiness, his solicitiousness, his intelligence and creativity. But as I was talking to Cary tonight about what I find with Spencer, the word that stood out was joy.
Even with all we endure as a couple, that is still what I feel every day with Spencer...most especially when he's sober for sure...but still, I feel it every day in some way.
Mr. Hyde may need a swift kick in the pants,
but as for Dr. Jekyll, he brings me joy.
--Pym
Since Pym's Escape is my way to vent, I'm sure it's giving a more negative view of Spencer. I may have painted him as only Mr. Hyde, and there really is so much more to him. I could give a laundry list of all of his Jekyll qualities, his sense of humor, his sexiness, his solicitiousness, his intelligence and creativity. But as I was talking to Cary tonight about what I find with Spencer, the word that stood out was joy.
Even with all we endure as a couple, that is still what I feel every day with Spencer...most especially when he's sober for sure...but still, I feel it every day in some way.
Mr. Hyde may need a swift kick in the pants,
but as for Dr. Jekyll, he brings me joy.
--Pym
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Moving Backward...
This is going to be pretty much a stream of consciousness post; I'm not going to worry about paragraphs or spelling. I've had such a horrible past two nights that I've just got to get it out or I'm going to scream! I don't even know what details to give but suffice it to say Spencer is truly driving me insane. I think I'm going to end up in a hospital, or I'm going to put him in a hospital: either a rehab one, or because I've beaned him with a blunt object! And I know when he reads this he's going to only see reasons that he should leave; or reasons to do himself in. He'll fail to see another option: GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER!
I think he's purposely trying to push me away; either so he can fulfill this self-destructive, self-fulfilling prophecy of "no one loves me or cares about me" or so I can be the ultimate bitch like his last live-in, fifteen years ago. He keeps saying, when he's drunk, you should leave me, you should divorce me. Maybe I should, but I'm not planning on it.
When he's sober and doing things such as going to our counselor, like just last Wednesday, there is always so much hope! But when he drinks, and then gets a Mr. Hyde personality like he has the last two nights, it's just a nightmare!
I don't know what makes the difference between the "good binges" [if they can really be called that] and these nightmare binges. He has such a self-destructive attitude. Friday night he was saying he didn't want to be here [life] anymore; that wait and he'll be gone. He punched the stove, slammed his fist on the counter, we argued, I cried, I tried to go to bed so he'd leave me alone, but he just follows me...talking...and talking...in my ear, practically smothering me while I'm lying there...sometimes saying scary things, sometimes mean things. I had to hold back from hitting him, which I've done in the past out of pure rage. I drank most of my 1/2 pint of brandy, to try to escape and keep calm; I took a 1/2 xanax. Finally he'd leave the room and I'd bawl my eyes out. Then he came back and finally fell asleep.
When he reads this he's, again, only going to see reasons he should leave or kill himself...I'm terrifying of him hurting himself... Or he's going to hold it against me that I've written all I've written. It'll make him look bad. He's said before [sober], I don't want to be that jerk that everyone points to and says, "there's that guy; he's a jerk; stay away from him" but yet his actions [drunk] push him into that category.
And I know this Mr. Hyde personality isn't really him; it's his terrors, and childhood traumas, and his fears coming out, like some kind of toxicity that seethes through his skin...but the real him is Dr. Jekyll, the loving, kind, smart, and funny person I married.
Gotta take a breath here.
I know I shouldn't be drinking either, and there's no excuse except my need of escape also. I want it so I can be calm and just fall asleep. I've had my own suicidal thoughts as well, and was tempted to down more than brandy, but I won't do that; I know how much a suicide in Spencer's family affected him, and I'd never do that to him or to my family.
That's something I just can't understand: he's so tormented by this suicide of a loved one, but he seems to think he can turn around and put me through that same torment and nightmare. How dare he even consider it? And I also can't fathom, knowing how much Spencer went through with an abusive alcoholic dad, how can it be okay to put me, and us, through it today? I know these are simplistic questions and the answers are multi-layered and oh-so-complex, but to just have him realize the irony would be a start.
Whew, I think I'm a bit spent now, but it feels so good to have gotten a lot off my chest!
I want to also add that Friday night, while I was bawling, I was saying inside, "I need a friend, I need a friend!" and after Spencer fell asleep and I got on the computer for a distraction, in the beautiful synchronicity of the Universe, I was message by a friend, Charlie--someone from my home state who I'd only just begun re-corresponding with in the last few months, a friend whom I love very much, and I thank him for listening to me and giving me some laughs and a lot of support.
Of course the next day, Spencer finds Charlie's cell phone number and asks me if I'm going to leave him. No, Baby, I am NOT planning on leaving you. If I ever do leave, it will not be for another person; it would be to regain my sanity and live by myself! I don't want to live with anyone else; I want to live with the man I married, but it's got to be a sane, productive, thriving existence; we've got the love mastered, how come we can't get the other stuff right?
I think he's purposely trying to push me away; either so he can fulfill this self-destructive, self-fulfilling prophecy of "no one loves me or cares about me" or so I can be the ultimate bitch like his last live-in, fifteen years ago. He keeps saying, when he's drunk, you should leave me, you should divorce me. Maybe I should, but I'm not planning on it.
When he's sober and doing things such as going to our counselor, like just last Wednesday, there is always so much hope! But when he drinks, and then gets a Mr. Hyde personality like he has the last two nights, it's just a nightmare!
I don't know what makes the difference between the "good binges" [if they can really be called that] and these nightmare binges. He has such a self-destructive attitude. Friday night he was saying he didn't want to be here [life] anymore; that wait and he'll be gone. He punched the stove, slammed his fist on the counter, we argued, I cried, I tried to go to bed so he'd leave me alone, but he just follows me...talking...and talking...in my ear, practically smothering me while I'm lying there...sometimes saying scary things, sometimes mean things. I had to hold back from hitting him, which I've done in the past out of pure rage. I drank most of my 1/2 pint of brandy, to try to escape and keep calm; I took a 1/2 xanax. Finally he'd leave the room and I'd bawl my eyes out. Then he came back and finally fell asleep.
When he reads this he's, again, only going to see reasons he should leave or kill himself...I'm terrifying of him hurting himself... Or he's going to hold it against me that I've written all I've written. It'll make him look bad. He's said before [sober], I don't want to be that jerk that everyone points to and says, "there's that guy; he's a jerk; stay away from him" but yet his actions [drunk] push him into that category.
And I know this Mr. Hyde personality isn't really him; it's his terrors, and childhood traumas, and his fears coming out, like some kind of toxicity that seethes through his skin...but the real him is Dr. Jekyll, the loving, kind, smart, and funny person I married.
Gotta take a breath here.
I know I shouldn't be drinking either, and there's no excuse except my need of escape also. I want it so I can be calm and just fall asleep. I've had my own suicidal thoughts as well, and was tempted to down more than brandy, but I won't do that; I know how much a suicide in Spencer's family affected him, and I'd never do that to him or to my family.
That's something I just can't understand: he's so tormented by this suicide of a loved one, but he seems to think he can turn around and put me through that same torment and nightmare. How dare he even consider it? And I also can't fathom, knowing how much Spencer went through with an abusive alcoholic dad, how can it be okay to put me, and us, through it today? I know these are simplistic questions and the answers are multi-layered and oh-so-complex, but to just have him realize the irony would be a start.
Whew, I think I'm a bit spent now, but it feels so good to have gotten a lot off my chest!
I want to also add that Friday night, while I was bawling, I was saying inside, "I need a friend, I need a friend!" and after Spencer fell asleep and I got on the computer for a distraction, in the beautiful synchronicity of the Universe, I was message by a friend, Charlie--someone from my home state who I'd only just begun re-corresponding with in the last few months, a friend whom I love very much, and I thank him for listening to me and giving me some laughs and a lot of support.
Of course the next day, Spencer finds Charlie's cell phone number and asks me if I'm going to leave him. No, Baby, I am NOT planning on leaving you. If I ever do leave, it will not be for another person; it would be to regain my sanity and live by myself! I don't want to live with anyone else; I want to live with the man I married, but it's got to be a sane, productive, thriving existence; we've got the love mastered, how come we can't get the other stuff right?
Sunday, February 7, 2010
First Experiences, Part II
As a foreword to this post, I'd like to report that Spencer and I had a great week; he went all during the work week without drinking, and we've had a lot of fun, and today some hot sex, while Cary watched on cam...'couldn't ask for more except maybe for Cary to be with us...and it was topped off with a trip to our favorite Mexican restaurant. Now that's a beautiful day!
Returning to the topic of some of our first experiences: after all our discussions about what we might like to try, we decided to attend our first swingers' "social" just to check things out.
Spencer had joined some online groups and contacted a husband and wife who hosted regular socials in a nearby town. After a few emails back and forth in which they cleared us to attend, we were give the time and place for the event. Yes, even swingers have a vetting process.
It was probably obvious that it was our first time, and we both felt like green newbies, being pretty much looked over like fresh meat by a lot of the attendees. However we were warmly welcomed by an older couple and sat with them for most of the evening.
I could tell this Mrs. would have liked to have bonked Spencer right away, and for the age difference, she was kinda' on the hot side, but we just weren't ready. In total truth, besides the younger couple we met later, she was probably one of the hotter/classier women there -- I'm afraid most of the other women, barring just a few, were quite overweight and not the most attractive, and the same goes for many of the men.
I'm sure it sounds judgmental, but when it comes to having sex, or making love, there needs to be some physcial attraction. We're not model quality but when someone has "let themselves go" it shows.
We were introduced to a couple younger than us, the wife of the couple being bi and really attractive and nicely plump. I danced with her, which was cool, especially knowing lots of eyes were on us.
This social took place at a hotel and we were invited back to the room of the younger couple, though we still weren't ready for anything physical. We all four talked for awhile, Spencer giving her a neck massage, and her husband giving me one. Before leaving I kissed her on the mouth, and also her husband, and then Spencer kissed her. So far all had gone smoothly, with no pressure on either of us and no real jealousies to speak of...until Spencer kissed her on the forehead.
For some reason this bothered me more than a full-on mouth kiss, I think because it was a tender gesture, and I believed that it should be reserved only for me.
I think we didn't talk too much on the way home but when we finally crawled into bed, I cried, and Spencer held me, and I admitted that this kiss really bothered and hurt me.
We were both a little surprised that such an innocent action could elicit as strong a response from me as it did, but we talked it out, beginning our journey down a road of "alternative" experiences and a deepening relationship.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Steps in the Right Direction
This morning we experienced what I like to call a breakthrough. I had my usual counseling session but arranged to bring Spencer along, and I believe he got something positive out of it.
The counselor was a guy a bit younger than us but who seemed to really understand where Spencer was coming from. And I think, after a little initial awkwardness, Spencer felt comfortable talking about some important issues.
I told him how proud I am of him that he's making this effort and is willing to work on things. And as I know he's not the only one, I'm also willing to work on my issues that affect him and us.
In a sort-of-related aside, I am so thankful to have the insurance coverage to pay for my psychiatric and counseling sessions. In this country, mental health issues take a back seat to "physical" ailments, but so many aspects of our lives hinge on our mental health. Virtually all aspects. How else could we function day to day? And it's a true shame that affordable care isn't more readily available. *stepping down from soapbox*
--Pym
The counselor was a guy a bit younger than us but who seemed to really understand where Spencer was coming from. And I think, after a little initial awkwardness, Spencer felt comfortable talking about some important issues.
I told him how proud I am of him that he's making this effort and is willing to work on things. And as I know he's not the only one, I'm also willing to work on my issues that affect him and us.
In a sort-of-related aside, I am so thankful to have the insurance coverage to pay for my psychiatric and counseling sessions. In this country, mental health issues take a back seat to "physical" ailments, but so many aspects of our lives hinge on our mental health. Virtually all aspects. How else could we function day to day? And it's a true shame that affordable care isn't more readily available. *stepping down from soapbox*
--Pym
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