In a couple days I'm going to a conference [Spencer has to stay at home, dern it] but while I'm away I want to do some thinking on how I can set Spencer up on a date.
What do you think is the best approach, when one member of a poly couple is seeing someone fairly regularly, while the other partner is not, but the first partner would very much like for the second to find someone to date??
Sound confusing to anyone? Ring bells with anyone?
It may be a bit before I can check back in, but any advice from the poly community would be appreciated.
Regards,
~Pym and Spencer
Showing posts with label dating. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dating. Show all posts
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
The First Love, Part II
The day that Spencer and Judith had arranged to have their first sexual encounter, I'd arranged to go to the movies [I remember it was Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy] with a platonic guy friend of mine. He apparently didn't notice how nervous and shaky I was the whole time, thinking of what Spencer was doing at home.
I believe I was intellectually ready -- most of us in this lifestyle say we are -- but the actual leap from an academic discussion of poly to going the full step of caring penetration with another is just that, a leap -- of trust, and faith -- me trusting that Spencer won't go too far emotionally, and he trusting me that I won't in the end wig out.
Well, I didn't wig out, and though it was a difficult step, I was glad that Spencer and Judith had a good time together. It was a feeling of compersion for two people I genuinely cared about and loved.
The problem started with Spencer's growing love for Judith growing into an almost obsession with Judith. Wanting to know if I'd talked to her; she didn't write him back right away, is she off him or ignoring him? Is she talking to other guys? Calling her at her work when he should have been calling me at mine. Yes, after several months of this, I got jealous, and sometimes downright mad.
Spencer does have a habit of latching on to a relationship and nearly driving it into the ground; it's something he's working on now, but back then, I was sick of it. If I heard her name once more I was going to scream!
Eventually, because of conflicts brought on by Spencer's modus operandi, and because of other things on Judith's part, they did go separate ways. I had to say I was relieved, though there was the continual questioning of me if I'd talked to her or seen her and if she asked about Spencer.
Soon however, the tables were going to be turned after we met a couple through Swing Lifestyle, George and Hillary.
And did I ever fall for George.
~Pym
I believe I was intellectually ready -- most of us in this lifestyle say we are -- but the actual leap from an academic discussion of poly to going the full step of caring penetration with another is just that, a leap -- of trust, and faith -- me trusting that Spencer won't go too far emotionally, and he trusting me that I won't in the end wig out.
Well, I didn't wig out, and though it was a difficult step, I was glad that Spencer and Judith had a good time together. It was a feeling of compersion for two people I genuinely cared about and loved.
The problem started with Spencer's growing love for Judith growing into an almost obsession with Judith. Wanting to know if I'd talked to her; she didn't write him back right away, is she off him or ignoring him? Is she talking to other guys? Calling her at her work when he should have been calling me at mine. Yes, after several months of this, I got jealous, and sometimes downright mad.
Spencer does have a habit of latching on to a relationship and nearly driving it into the ground; it's something he's working on now, but back then, I was sick of it. If I heard her name once more I was going to scream!
Eventually, because of conflicts brought on by Spencer's modus operandi, and because of other things on Judith's part, they did go separate ways. I had to say I was relieved, though there was the continual questioning of me if I'd talked to her or seen her and if she asked about Spencer.
Soon however, the tables were going to be turned after we met a couple through Swing Lifestyle, George and Hillary.
And did I ever fall for George.
~Pym
Sunday, February 7, 2010
First Experiences, Part II
As a foreword to this post, I'd like to report that Spencer and I had a great week; he went all during the work week without drinking, and we've had a lot of fun, and today some hot sex, while Cary watched on cam...'couldn't ask for more except maybe for Cary to be with us...and it was topped off with a trip to our favorite Mexican restaurant. Now that's a beautiful day!
Returning to the topic of some of our first experiences: after all our discussions about what we might like to try, we decided to attend our first swingers' "social" just to check things out.
Spencer had joined some online groups and contacted a husband and wife who hosted regular socials in a nearby town. After a few emails back and forth in which they cleared us to attend, we were give the time and place for the event. Yes, even swingers have a vetting process.
It was probably obvious that it was our first time, and we both felt like green newbies, being pretty much looked over like fresh meat by a lot of the attendees. However we were warmly welcomed by an older couple and sat with them for most of the evening.
I could tell this Mrs. would have liked to have bonked Spencer right away, and for the age difference, she was kinda' on the hot side, but we just weren't ready. In total truth, besides the younger couple we met later, she was probably one of the hotter/classier women there -- I'm afraid most of the other women, barring just a few, were quite overweight and not the most attractive, and the same goes for many of the men.
I'm sure it sounds judgmental, but when it comes to having sex, or making love, there needs to be some physcial attraction. We're not model quality but when someone has "let themselves go" it shows.
We were introduced to a couple younger than us, the wife of the couple being bi and really attractive and nicely plump. I danced with her, which was cool, especially knowing lots of eyes were on us.
This social took place at a hotel and we were invited back to the room of the younger couple, though we still weren't ready for anything physical. We all four talked for awhile, Spencer giving her a neck massage, and her husband giving me one. Before leaving I kissed her on the mouth, and also her husband, and then Spencer kissed her. So far all had gone smoothly, with no pressure on either of us and no real jealousies to speak of...until Spencer kissed her on the forehead.
For some reason this bothered me more than a full-on mouth kiss, I think because it was a tender gesture, and I believed that it should be reserved only for me.
I think we didn't talk too much on the way home but when we finally crawled into bed, I cried, and Spencer held me, and I admitted that this kiss really bothered and hurt me.
We were both a little surprised that such an innocent action could elicit as strong a response from me as it did, but we talked it out, beginning our journey down a road of "alternative" experiences and a deepening relationship.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
First Experiences, Part 1
I'm trying to think back to our earliest experiences and experiments in our lifestyle. To include everything, I'd have to go back all the way to our first date.
The date included only we two, but for some reason Spencer thought it appropriate to show a video of a naked woman wallowing on his [clothed] lap. There is a story behind the video, but to this day Spencer remarks, "I can't believe I showed that to you on our first date."
The footage was actually audition footage of the woman's tryout for a friend's movie. Apparently it was "anything goes" for her and she gamely took off her clothes to enhance her audition. Spencer, being the co-director, got to be her straight man, so to speak.
Call me a lugnut, but I thought the video quite funny, especially seeing Spencer's uncomfortable posturing, not sure how to react to this spontaneous gift of naked womanhood, literally plopping into his lap. As talkative as he is about sex, he can be a shy boy when it comes down to real interaction, and the discomfort on his face was charming to me.
Even on that first date, just sitting on the floor in his apartment living room and talking for hours, we discussed how we felt about open "relationshipping". I hadn't yet told him [I was to admit it sometime during the night] that I had cheated in my marriage that had ended the year before, so honest non-monogamy was something I wasn't opposed to, though I'd never heard the word polyamorous.
Later that night we went back to my apartment with a 6-pack. To me the drinking was just a bit of cutting loose on a Friday night--I didn't know it'd become a way of life--but at the time it was a blast. We drank and sang and went to bed, and talked about all kinds of things. During the night I cried and told him what I did in my first marriage, and he told me it was okay. Finally we made love, and we've been together ever since, sharing lots of love, some hurts and losses, but no regrets.
The date included only we two, but for some reason Spencer thought it appropriate to show a video of a naked woman wallowing on his [clothed] lap. There is a story behind the video, but to this day Spencer remarks, "I can't believe I showed that to you on our first date."
The footage was actually audition footage of the woman's tryout for a friend's movie. Apparently it was "anything goes" for her and she gamely took off her clothes to enhance her audition. Spencer, being the co-director, got to be her straight man, so to speak.
Call me a lugnut, but I thought the video quite funny, especially seeing Spencer's uncomfortable posturing, not sure how to react to this spontaneous gift of naked womanhood, literally plopping into his lap. As talkative as he is about sex, he can be a shy boy when it comes down to real interaction, and the discomfort on his face was charming to me.
Even on that first date, just sitting on the floor in his apartment living room and talking for hours, we discussed how we felt about open "relationshipping". I hadn't yet told him [I was to admit it sometime during the night] that I had cheated in my marriage that had ended the year before, so honest non-monogamy was something I wasn't opposed to, though I'd never heard the word polyamorous.
Later that night we went back to my apartment with a 6-pack. To me the drinking was just a bit of cutting loose on a Friday night--I didn't know it'd become a way of life--but at the time it was a blast. We drank and sang and went to bed, and talked about all kinds of things. During the night I cried and told him what I did in my first marriage, and he told me it was okay. Finally we made love, and we've been together ever since, sharing lots of love, some hurts and losses, but no regrets.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
New Year's Revelations
The first day of my new year I spent in self-inflicted agony after consuming a bottle of white zinfandel and a bottle of pink champagne New Year's Eve...which brings back the question: is Spencer the only one with the drinking problem? I don't want to answer it today, but it is something to think about.
Today's the second day into the new year, and I'm feeling miles better; but now Spencer is down for the count with a cold. It's my turn to care for him as he cared for me yesterday. He was kinder to me in my hungover state than I would have been to him, I admit.
We're doing some much-needed cleaning around our house, including going through years of papers belonging to us and to his recently deceased mom. Shredding and plowing through all this stuff is cathartic.
Something else that was cathartic for Spencer was, on New Year's Eve, while blazing drunk, he kept muttering "I've done you wrong, I've done you wrong." Of course one can't say that and not expect the other person to keep prying as to "what is it you've done??" Being that I was also three sheets to the wind, I figured I wasn't going to care much whatever it was.
It turns out that, before we were actually married but after we'd become a couple, Spencer had some sexual exploits about which I was not informed. He says he cheated but as we weren't married yet, I can't use as strong a word. And since I'd out-and-out cheated in my first marriage, I don't have much of a leg to stand on anyway. I'm just truly glad that he feels better for having told me. And really the timing couldn't have been better seeing as how I was happily toasted at the time of the revelation.
I'm oddly not mad at all. We've been married a few years now and anything before seems so long ago anyway. I did take the opportunity while the air was being cleared to tell Spencer about a couple instances in which Cary and I performed acts I wasn't forthcoming about myself. Spencer knows of all the times when Cary and I have met, but I didn't feel I could reveal that a) Cary and I did anal and b) I swallowed [well at least 75% of it] once with Cary; things that I hadn't done with Spencer in a long time, and I thought it would hurt his feelings that I did these things with someone else.
So those instances are off my chest, and now, too, I've revealed this blog to Spencer. He can read it all he wants, but if he gets angry at my honesty and wants to vent, he can get his own blog.
We'll have to think of a suitable acronym for him: PAYMANDS? Polyamorous Alcoholic Yankee Married to an Anxious Neurotic in the Deep South?
Today's the second day into the new year, and I'm feeling miles better; but now Spencer is down for the count with a cold. It's my turn to care for him as he cared for me yesterday. He was kinder to me in my hungover state than I would have been to him, I admit.
We're doing some much-needed cleaning around our house, including going through years of papers belonging to us and to his recently deceased mom. Shredding and plowing through all this stuff is cathartic.
Something else that was cathartic for Spencer was, on New Year's Eve, while blazing drunk, he kept muttering "I've done you wrong, I've done you wrong." Of course one can't say that and not expect the other person to keep prying as to "what is it you've done??" Being that I was also three sheets to the wind, I figured I wasn't going to care much whatever it was.
It turns out that, before we were actually married but after we'd become a couple, Spencer had some sexual exploits about which I was not informed. He says he cheated but as we weren't married yet, I can't use as strong a word. And since I'd out-and-out cheated in my first marriage, I don't have much of a leg to stand on anyway. I'm just truly glad that he feels better for having told me. And really the timing couldn't have been better seeing as how I was happily toasted at the time of the revelation.
I'm oddly not mad at all. We've been married a few years now and anything before seems so long ago anyway. I did take the opportunity while the air was being cleared to tell Spencer about a couple instances in which Cary and I performed acts I wasn't forthcoming about myself. Spencer knows of all the times when Cary and I have met, but I didn't feel I could reveal that a) Cary and I did anal and b) I swallowed [well at least 75% of it] once with Cary; things that I hadn't done with Spencer in a long time, and I thought it would hurt his feelings that I did these things with someone else.
So those instances are off my chest, and now, too, I've revealed this blog to Spencer. He can read it all he wants, but if he gets angry at my honesty and wants to vent, he can get his own blog.
We'll have to think of a suitable acronym for him: PAYMANDS? Polyamorous Alcoholic Yankee Married to an Anxious Neurotic in the Deep South?
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Cary and Amanda
How did I meet Cary, and Spencer meet Amanda?
It's taken years for Spencer and me to get to this point. We've each had other relationships since we've been together and either gotten hurt, or Spencer pissed 'em off in a drunken stupor.
In another post I'll start telling those tales from our early experiments, but since Cary and Amanda are our most recent lovers, and very important to us, I'll begin with them.
Amanda is connected with my job [I won't get too detailed for reasons of discretion] but through me is how Spencer met her. He's incredibly flirtatious and if he gets a response he's off and running. And finding Amanda on the same friendship/dating site where we have profiles gave him an opening to strike up more daring flirtations and see where it would lead.
I can't say I even remember when they first got together, but apparently they are very sexually compatible [she's kinkier than I...and she swallows]. However they also have communication issues. Worse even than he and I do. I'm just not sure why they have trouble getting along, or why they've bothered staying together for this long. Maybe they're too much like one another or never learned good communication skills; I can't figure it out. Neither can they, as they just had a cyber-argument this afternoon. Sometimes I do wish they'd amicably part and move on, only so I wouldn't have to referee so much.
And I do really love Amanda as a friend. She's been a listening ear to me when Spencer and I have had difficulties. And she's had a taste of dealing with his alcoholism when he's over done it at her place. I admit it is sometimes hard to keep a conversation going with her though, and that's not for lack of smarts on her part -- she's super smart -- but it's always the brainy ones that it's hard to communicate with. They're probably already way ahead of the rest of us and thinking of something else already.
Cary is someone I've known for years as an acquaintance, but never knew he and his wife had open interests. Several times Spencer and I would see him and we'd all talk, and his and my eyes would meet and I'd think...oh, God, I wonder if I'd ever be so lucky as to do "it" with him. His eyes would often show interest, but I couldn't take the chance to [figuratively] feel things out.
Over a year later, though, I found him on the same site we'd seen Amanda and I took a risk of severely embarrassing myself and friended him. A few initial emails built up into instant messaging, and us meeting him and his wife for dinner. Spencer didn't seem to hit it off with Cary's wife, but Cary and I have built up a friendship and quite a hot and steamy sex life, with a side order of kink and a heavy dollop of love.
He's introduced me to experiences that were totally new to me, as well as spiritual, in the way of sacred sex. Next I hope he can show me some Tantra. Even sexting is great with him...and as my cell has a vibration setting, I may never look at my phone in the same way again.
--Pym
It's taken years for Spencer and me to get to this point. We've each had other relationships since we've been together and either gotten hurt, or Spencer pissed 'em off in a drunken stupor.
In another post I'll start telling those tales from our early experiments, but since Cary and Amanda are our most recent lovers, and very important to us, I'll begin with them.
Amanda is connected with my job [I won't get too detailed for reasons of discretion] but through me is how Spencer met her. He's incredibly flirtatious and if he gets a response he's off and running. And finding Amanda on the same friendship/dating site where we have profiles gave him an opening to strike up more daring flirtations and see where it would lead.
I can't say I even remember when they first got together, but apparently they are very sexually compatible [she's kinkier than I...and she swallows]. However they also have communication issues. Worse even than he and I do. I'm just not sure why they have trouble getting along, or why they've bothered staying together for this long. Maybe they're too much like one another or never learned good communication skills; I can't figure it out. Neither can they, as they just had a cyber-argument this afternoon. Sometimes I do wish they'd amicably part and move on, only so I wouldn't have to referee so much.
And I do really love Amanda as a friend. She's been a listening ear to me when Spencer and I have had difficulties. And she's had a taste of dealing with his alcoholism when he's over done it at her place. I admit it is sometimes hard to keep a conversation going with her though, and that's not for lack of smarts on her part -- she's super smart -- but it's always the brainy ones that it's hard to communicate with. They're probably already way ahead of the rest of us and thinking of something else already.
Cary is someone I've known for years as an acquaintance, but never knew he and his wife had open interests. Several times Spencer and I would see him and we'd all talk, and his and my eyes would meet and I'd think...oh, God, I wonder if I'd ever be so lucky as to do "it" with him. His eyes would often show interest, but I couldn't take the chance to [figuratively] feel things out.
Over a year later, though, I found him on the same site we'd seen Amanda and I took a risk of severely embarrassing myself and friended him. A few initial emails built up into instant messaging, and us meeting him and his wife for dinner. Spencer didn't seem to hit it off with Cary's wife, but Cary and I have built up a friendship and quite a hot and steamy sex life, with a side order of kink and a heavy dollop of love.
He's introduced me to experiences that were totally new to me, as well as spiritual, in the way of sacred sex. Next I hope he can show me some Tantra. Even sexting is great with him...and as my cell has a vibration setting, I may never look at my phone in the same way again.
--Pym
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