New Year's Revelations

The first day of my new year I spent in self-inflicted agony after consuming a bottle of white zinfandel and a bottle of pink champagne New Year's Eve...which brings back the question: is Spencer the only one with the drinking problem? I don't want to answer it today, but it is something to think about.

Today's the second day into the new year, and I'm feeling miles better; but now Spencer is down for the count with a cold. It's my turn to care for him as he cared for me yesterday. He was kinder to me in my hungover state than I would have been to him, I admit.

We're doing some much-needed cleaning around our house, including going through years of papers belonging to us and to his recently deceased mom. Shredding and plowing through all this stuff is cathartic.

Something else that was cathartic for Spencer was, on New Year's Eve, while blazing drunk, he kept muttering "I've done you wrong, I've done you wrong." Of course one can't say that and not expect the other person to keep prying as to "what is it you've done??" Being that I was also three sheets to the wind, I figured I wasn't going to care much whatever it was.

It turns out that, before we were actually married but after we'd become a couple, Spencer had some sexual exploits about which I was not informed. He says he cheated but as we weren't married yet, I can't use as strong a word. And since I'd out-and-out cheated in my first marriage, I don't have much of a leg to stand on anyway. I'm just truly glad that he feels better for having told me. And really the timing couldn't have been better seeing as how I was happily toasted at the time of the revelation.

I'm oddly not mad at all. We've been married a few years now and anything before seems so long ago anyway. I did take the opportunity while the air was being cleared to tell Spencer about a couple instances in which Cary and I performed acts I wasn't forthcoming about myself. Spencer knows of all the times when Cary and I have met, but I didn't feel I could reveal that a) Cary and I did anal and b) I swallowed [well at least 75% of it] once with Cary; things that I hadn't done with Spencer in a long time, and I thought it would hurt his feelings that I did these things with someone else.

So those instances are off my chest, and now, too, I've revealed this blog to Spencer. He can read it all he wants, but if he gets angry at my honesty and wants to vent, he can get his own blog.

We'll have to think of a suitable acronym for him: PAYMANDS? Polyamorous Alcoholic Yankee Married to an Anxious Neurotic in the Deep South?

Ahhh

A few hours peace...it's the day after Christmas...Spencer woke up cranky, so even though I love him dearly I was relieved when he went to spend some time with a buddy. It's like the ol' saying: sometimes I wake up cranky, other times I let him sleep...

After my short post yesterday, Spencer did notice that he'd hurt my feelings when he asked if he could drink -- the crying probably gave it away -- and apologized. The rest of the evening went pretty smoothly as we watched Britcoms and relaxed on the couch.

I'm not sure why I cry so easily...must be the stress. It is stressful living with Spencer, dealing with his dysfunctional family, but I must be the first to admit it's most likely a tad stressful for him to live with me. Here's where I mention my mental health issues:

There have been some bouts in my past of depression, but I'd say my main issues are generalized anxiety and obsessive-compulsive disorder. This does cause Spencer chagrin when I'm constantly checking doors, etc. and continually worrying about something or other. Usually about death. Mine, his, loved ones'.

I'm a master at worrying; think of it as mental origami: any smallish anxious thought can be kneaded, manipulated, folded, spindled, mutilated, into a masterpiece of psychological-textbook proportion. Why I don't go so far as to sprinkle my paxil and xanax on my cornflakes I don't know.

Part of the trade off of me dealing with Spencer's issues is him dealing with mine. At least so far each of our major episodes have happened opposite one another so the other was there and strong enough to support. Must be cosmic. Or is that karmic?

--Pym