Double-dip Sunday

'Had a super-sweet Sunday yesterday, being able to spend a couple very languid hours with Cary [while Spencer voluntarily perused his favorite local store], then in the evening having the pleasure of giving a tasty bj to Spencer.

So often lately Cary and I have had to experience "quickies" which are exciting in and among themselves, but the time flies too quickly. Yesterday we could take our time, makes lots of noise, and lay together for a long time after, having conversation on a range of topics while holding and touching each other. It was the drawn-out time I'd needed with him for awhile, and I thanked Spencer profusely for the gift of time alone with Cary.

And not that he asked to be rewarded, but part of showing my appreciation to Spencer entailed a pleasurably mouth-watering bj on the couch.

And I am appreciative to be blessed with these relationships. I've thought not a few times today that even though I can be stressed by a lot of factors, I am truly lucky to be able to experience so much love in my life -- Thank you, Universe!

I'm going to try to wind down now and get some reading in before sleep,
'Night all,
~Pym

The First Love, Part II

The day that Spencer and Judith had arranged to have their first sexual encounter, I'd arranged to go to the movies [I remember it was Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy] with a platonic guy friend of mine. He apparently didn't notice how nervous and shaky I was the whole time, thinking of what Spencer was doing at home.

I believe I was intellectually ready -- most of us in this lifestyle say we are -- but the actual leap from an academic discussion of poly to going the full step of caring penetration with another is just that, a leap -- of trust, and faith -- me trusting that Spencer won't go too far emotionally, and he trusting me that I won't in the end wig out.

Well, I didn't wig out, and though it was a difficult step, I was glad that Spencer and Judith had a good time together. It was a feeling of compersion for two people I genuinely cared about and loved.

The problem started with Spencer's growing love for Judith growing into an almost obsession with Judith. Wanting to know if I'd talked to her; she didn't write him back right away, is she off him or ignoring him? Is she talking to other guys? Calling her at her work when he should have been calling me at mine. Yes, after several months of this, I got jealous, and sometimes downright mad.

Spencer does have a habit of latching on to a relationship and nearly driving it into the ground; it's something he's working on now, but back then, I was sick of it. If I heard her name once more I was going to scream!

Eventually, because of conflicts brought on by Spencer's modus operandi, and because of other things on Judith's part, they did go separate ways. I had to say I was relieved, though there was the continual questioning of me if I'd talked to her or seen her and if she asked about Spencer.

Soon however, the tables were going to be turned after we met a couple through Swing Lifestyle, George and Hillary.

And did I ever fall for George.

~Pym

House Open Marriage Episode

Spencer and I watched tonight's episode of House together, and I'm chatting with Cary about it now. We're all three pretty much in agreement that the episode leaned toward being anti-open marriage. And I thought it was done a bit heavy-handedly: HEY EVERYBODY, THEY HAVE AN OPEN MARRIAGE! And this allows the doctors to ask all kinds of personal questions, even though it would have no bearing on her present condition.

I think Rachel [Taub's wife] was on the right track when she was giving him permission: I think if he'd have gone out with Maya while having permission, it would have taken the thrill out of it, and he probably wouldn't have gone through with it anyway.

Taub was a buffoon for broaching the subject of open marriage with his wife in a crowded restaurant--you can't discuss anything serious in that setting. And once Rachel did give him Thursdays, even if she could have followed through, he should have had more class than to jump on the very next Thursday. And why should it have been any of Taub's co-worker's business?? And why was Foreman especially hard on Taub?

I also wonder why the words polyamory or swinger were never spoken. Not that they're the same thing, but with all the conversation you'd think someone would have said one or the other.

Lots of food for thought in this episode, though it probably was done mainly for titillation and ratings--hey, it worked in getting us to watch!

Would love to hear anyone else's comments on it, too.

'Night,
~Pym

Still here

Yes, Spencer and I are still here! It seems like it's been awhile since I've posted, but in a way it's good because we've been busy with productive things. Lots of pleasure reading, doing things around the house [especially yard work], and spending enriching time together. Spencer is working hard on tapering his drinking and I can see an improvement and give him my heartfelt thanks for trying! I've also gotten to have some wonderful extra time with Cary -- once meeting for a daytime skyclad encounter, on the grass in his fenced-in yard -- oh my that was delicious! [While we were lying there a low-flying plane came overhead and I wondered if they could see us? *smile*] Also, I thank Spencer for giving me the gift of being able to share times like that with someone else that I love. As for Spencer, he's really missing Amanda, but I guess they both know that somehow they cannot get over their communication problems and constant bickering. I hope that after this "hump" of hard feelings, they can still come back together as friends. Spencer is actively looking for someone with alternative spiritual leanings and a tolerance for someone working on an addiction...on that note, if anyone is interested in corresponding with Spencer, do contact me and I'll do my best to introduce you!
~Pym

Moving forward

Today was our second appointment together at the counselor, and I'm proud of how well Spencer is opening up and expressing himself, especially since the counselor is a guy. But he's a cool guy and seems to listen and make suggestions without harsh judgment, only helping hone perspectives.

Our Valentine's weekend was really nice; had a three-day weekend since Monday was Presidents' Day. Spencer and I spent Saturday together during the day, doing some of our favorite things: going thrift store shopping and eating out.

In the evening he went with Kip to a movie and I got to have a quick visit [and a quickie] with Cary. It could only be a quickie due to time constraints but it was hot! Hot to see him, be pounded by him, and lie on the bed together afterwards. We're both hoping we can find the opportunity to spend more than just minutes to hours together sometime in the near future, and I'm lobbying to get a room for a night, but that's a step he and his wife will have to decide upon together. It would be their first time sharing during an all-nighter, and I want them both to be comfortable with it if it happens.

At least that's what I tell myself. Truthfully, if he said he was going to tell her that he would be out of town a night for a convention, but got us a room instead...I'd still take it. Isn't that terrible? In my rationalization I'd say it's because I don't believe she tells Cary everything she does, and I think she's flat-out cheated on him in the past. And, yes, I did that to my first husband, but hypocritical or not, I don't think it's any worse for him to do so if she has already. Sigh, where are my principles? And I know Spencer would be disappointed in me if I did it. Hmmm, I need to think that one over a bit more...

Spencer has been missing Amanda quite a bit, and is trying to at least keep some email communications going with her. It's good for him to have someone to talk to who understands our lifestyle, but I'm not sure if it's healthy for them to pursue a romantic relationship again. As long as they can get along, I'll support them both; but I don't want to have to put back on the striped referee uniform. I look terrible in stripes.

First Experiences, Part II

As a foreword to this post, I'd like to report that Spencer and I had a great week; he went all during the work week without drinking, and we've had a lot of fun, and today some hot sex, while Cary watched on cam...'couldn't ask for more except maybe for Cary to be with us...and it was topped off with a trip to our favorite Mexican restaurant. Now that's a beautiful day!

Returning to the topic of some of our first experiences: after all our discussions about what we might like to try, we decided to attend our first swingers' "social" just to check things out.

Spencer had joined some online groups and contacted a husband and wife who hosted regular socials in a nearby town. After a few emails back and forth in which they cleared us to attend, we were give the time and place for the event. Yes, even swingers have a vetting process.

It was probably obvious that it was our first time, and we both felt like green newbies, being pretty much looked over like fresh meat by a lot of the attendees. However we were warmly welcomed by an older couple and sat with them for most of the evening.

I could tell this Mrs. would have liked to have bonked Spencer right away, and for the age difference, she was kinda' on the hot side, but we just weren't ready. In total truth, besides the younger couple we met later, she was probably one of the hotter/classier women there -- I'm afraid most of the other women, barring just a few, were quite overweight and not the most attractive, and the same goes for many of the men.

I'm sure it sounds judgmental, but when it comes to having sex, or making love, there needs to be some physcial attraction. We're not model quality but when someone has "let themselves go" it shows.

We were introduced to a couple younger than us, the wife of the couple being bi and really attractive and nicely plump. I danced with her, which was cool, especially knowing lots of eyes were on us.

This social took place at a hotel and we were invited back to the room of the younger couple, though we still weren't ready for anything physical. We all four talked for awhile, Spencer giving her a neck massage, and her husband giving me one. Before leaving I kissed her on the mouth, and also her husband, and then Spencer kissed her. So far all had gone smoothly, with no pressure on either of us and no real jealousies to speak of...until Spencer kissed her on the forehead.

For some reason this bothered me more than a full-on mouth kiss, I think because it was a tender gesture, and I believed that it should be reserved only for me.

I think we didn't talk too much on the way home but when we finally crawled into bed, I cried, and Spencer held me, and I admitted that this kiss really bothered and hurt me.

We were both a little surprised that such an innocent action could elicit as strong a response from me as it did, but we talked it out, beginning our journey down a road of "alternative" experiences and a deepening relationship.

Balance

Sunday I was hoping to get with Cary and have a back-seat fling, however as we were chatting I revealed that it'd been almost a month since Spencer and I had made love. His reply: "Holy Shit!"

And then he made a sensible suggestion: he asked me to restore balance and harmony in the Universe and make love to Spencer, before he (Cary) and I do again.

It made me feel good that he was considering Spencer (not too many guys would turn down sex to make sure someone else got it -- is it a form of fraternal compersion?), and it was a reminder that Spencer is my primary, in sex and love.

Not that I don't know or feel that, but like I said to Cary, it's true that often Spencer and I are so drained with day-to-day life and worries that we forget to look at each other as lovers.

I did make love to Spencer -- well, really, he made love to me -- it'd been a long time since we did missionary, and it was lovely. I felt so warm and cocooned in his arms.

But then I did use the Magic Wand while Spencer caught his breath -- and that was a sweet ending to long-overdue lovemaking.

--Pym

Should I be worried?

It's been a month since I've seen Cary and we've made love. We're still texting but not quite as often, and with fewer of the endearments of "baby" and "I miss you and love you."

I do realize he's very busy; he has a family and a profession...I'm just missing the positive feedback...and if it is the case that he wishes to wind down our relationship, I would like to know.

I'm not feeling as hurt as I thought I might be when he does eventually move on; mainly curious as to if we're going to proceed, and if not, if it's the result of something specific.

Of course, I could be reading more into this perceived distance than it actually means; it probably means that he's just busy with his life.

On the other hand, Spencer and I have had a nice weekend so far. We're both too low-energy for sex, but have enjoyed just being together, reading, shopping, puttering around the house...sweetly low-key, sane, and boring...I love it.

New Year's Revelations

The first day of my new year I spent in self-inflicted agony after consuming a bottle of white zinfandel and a bottle of pink champagne New Year's Eve...which brings back the question: is Spencer the only one with the drinking problem? I don't want to answer it today, but it is something to think about.

Today's the second day into the new year, and I'm feeling miles better; but now Spencer is down for the count with a cold. It's my turn to care for him as he cared for me yesterday. He was kinder to me in my hungover state than I would have been to him, I admit.

We're doing some much-needed cleaning around our house, including going through years of papers belonging to us and to his recently deceased mom. Shredding and plowing through all this stuff is cathartic.

Something else that was cathartic for Spencer was, on New Year's Eve, while blazing drunk, he kept muttering "I've done you wrong, I've done you wrong." Of course one can't say that and not expect the other person to keep prying as to "what is it you've done??" Being that I was also three sheets to the wind, I figured I wasn't going to care much whatever it was.

It turns out that, before we were actually married but after we'd become a couple, Spencer had some sexual exploits about which I was not informed. He says he cheated but as we weren't married yet, I can't use as strong a word. And since I'd out-and-out cheated in my first marriage, I don't have much of a leg to stand on anyway. I'm just truly glad that he feels better for having told me. And really the timing couldn't have been better seeing as how I was happily toasted at the time of the revelation.

I'm oddly not mad at all. We've been married a few years now and anything before seems so long ago anyway. I did take the opportunity while the air was being cleared to tell Spencer about a couple instances in which Cary and I performed acts I wasn't forthcoming about myself. Spencer knows of all the times when Cary and I have met, but I didn't feel I could reveal that a) Cary and I did anal and b) I swallowed [well at least 75% of it] once with Cary; things that I hadn't done with Spencer in a long time, and I thought it would hurt his feelings that I did these things with someone else.

So those instances are off my chest, and now, too, I've revealed this blog to Spencer. He can read it all he wants, but if he gets angry at my honesty and wants to vent, he can get his own blog.

We'll have to think of a suitable acronym for him: PAYMANDS? Polyamorous Alcoholic Yankee Married to an Anxious Neurotic in the Deep South?

PYMADS, or, Call me Pym

PYMADS stands for: Polyamorous Yankee Married to an Alcoholic in the Deep South...or I'll go by Pym for short...hence Pym's Escape.

I'm in love with two men, neither who yet knows I'm blogging, though it's not just about them. Somehow, as a Yankee I've ended up in the Deep South, married to another exile from the North who happens to be an alcoholic.

I'll call him Spencer, [names will be changed for CYA purposes] NOT after that milque-toast pseudo-celebrity, but after the Spencer Tracy/Kate Hepburn love affair: equal-minded, intelligent souls involved in unconventional love, and he a raging alcoholic or so I've heard. Doomed somehow, but timeless. If only I looked like her...

I'm married to and in love with Spencer, a handsome troubled soul, who is loving and solicitous to me, and has the libido of [his favorite phrase]: a "three-balled Tomcat". From the first, though our new sex-life was exceptional, we knew we would be an unconventional couple, and though we didn't know the word yet: polyamorous. I had strayed in a past marriage and swore I would never do it again. Knowing how much we both enjoy physical loving intimacy, and knowing a human-being's penchant to not be monogamous, we were honest from the beginning that we'd eventually take the open marriage route.

We dabbled in "swinging" and realized it wasn't for us. Too loose and free for us and too hurtful, as we'd develop feelings for others who wanted only the physical. We started looking into polyamory, of which there are almost infinite degrees. Into that philosophy of love and life we've carved our own little niche.

I realize most people would think that all this dabbling would be a death-knell to a marriage. Actually the polyamory has been a blessed outlet for us both. It's the least cause of tension in our marriage. That honor goes to alcoholism.

Spencer didn't start drinking until his early 20s, which makes me think, if he made it all through his teen years without drinking, why even start?? But his traumatic childhood and genetics caught up with him, and now he has this one more demon on his back. It's a strong reason why our polyamory gives us both an escape from day-to-day responsibilities. And me an escape from the drunkenness.

He's a wonderful person, Spencer, and when sober is my soul-mated Dr. Jekyll...when drunk, a raving Mr. Hyde. How do I deal with it? Mostly with love, some Al-Anon meetings, support from Spencer's girlfriend Amanda [more on her in another post], friends, now-thin patience, xanax, port, and Cary: the other man I love.

Cary's marriage is also an open one, though I'm not convinced it's without some problems of its own. I try to not press him for any details; I just want to be his escape as he's mine. I try to not let him know of the "drama" in my life, though I'm sure he does. I feel like the less baggage I bring into our relationship, the longer it will last. He's sweet and soft, very sexual but also very shy. I liken Spencer to a thick multi-layered devil's food cake; Cary is the lickable butter-cream frosting on top...more tenuous in structure, but I could bathe in a vat of that frosting.

Have I stayed on my opening topic? I am a PYMADS who is trying to stay sane in a still-somewhat-strange, judgmental culture. But it's all life, isn't it? Love, life, sharing, compassion, paychecks and bootstraps. And xanax.