Busy Busy Week

It's Saturday and I'm still working, and probably will be through the weekend, but it's been great to be busy! A bunch of us did stop for awhile yesterday, and attended Seth's memorial service. It's so hard to believe he's gone and not coming back, but the service was filled with remembrances and not too sad. There was even some humor, which was fitting, because Seth was always with a smile and laugh.

Spencer has been feeling positive results from his chiropractic appointments, which makes him less cranky from being in pain all the time, and hence, much easier to live with lol. And he wants to try some herbal supplements for pain such as devil's claw, if we can get our hands on it.

Yesterday I got to see Cary for some spontaneous afternoon delight, and I carried the wonderful feeling with me the rest of the day.

Spencer might meet a woman next week that he's been friends with on facebook for quite awhile. He really does need another positive relationship to give him a boost, especially now that he'll be starting the rehab program. The more support the better!

Must dash; so much to do!
Hope all is well in your world,
~Pym

Lost a Friend

I found out yesterday that I lost my friend, Seth, who I knew through work. He was an older gentleman, but the last time I saw him he was looking great. This is quite a shock to all, and I've been bumming quite a bit and spent most of the day yesterday thinking of him, and how I can't believe it. We don't even know yet how he died, or when will be the funeral.

He made a point to talk to me whenever he came into the building, and he always kissed me on the cheek. He was a gentleman, but I always thought he was just a bit smitten with me. This isn't ego talking, since Spencer got the same vibe when we'd run into him. I was quite flattered, actually. :O)

Spencer liked him, too, since they had some interests in common. I'd recently encouraged each of them to talk more to one other because of this. So sad that they didn't have a chance to really get together other than on facebook.

This happened so fast, that it makes me want to tell those around me that I love them, early and often. Please take every chance you get to do the same.

Hugs,
~Pym

The First Love Part IV

In the last First Love post, George and I had really hit it off in an unusually short time, emotionally and physically. We were instant messaging daily and he was still saying how he was the Luckiest Man in the World, and calling me Princess. It was smittenness at first sight.

Needless to say this wasn't going over all that well with our spouses. Spencer was concerned mainly about how fast we'd become attached. Hillary was concerned because we shouldn't be getting attached at all: they were swingers and it should be all physical. But I think she was going to let this ride for awhile, probably hoping it'd run its course.

An outing was planned for George and Hillary and myself, to go out shopping [he wanted to buy me an outfit, dress me up as his Princess] and go to dinner afterward and maybe more. To me the day was wonderful, and Hillary even joked about how George was taking "his women" out. We did the shopping thing, and went out to dinner, and then discussed plans for the evening.

George just about flipped when his wife gave the go-ahead for the three of us to get a motel room. And I was walking on clouds!

We found a place not too far from either of our homes and all went up to the room. The three of us first lounged in the hot tub, and George gave Hillary the first "attentions" which I thought was only right, since she's his wife. There wasn't any sexual attraction between Hillary and me, so it was all up to George to satisfy us both lol We played around taking some pictures, and I gave George a gift of edible man's briefs which were a crack-up. From there on, most of what I remember is the "attentions" George gave me.

Actually Hillary got a phone call on her cell and sat by the window talking for a bit, but she had to have heard George and me going at it on one of the beds. I was just soaking it all in, pun intended. I asked him to cum inside me so I could feel closer to him and he loved it.

After Hillary's call, we all lay on the bed, George spooning me, and we watched some television. In a while, Hillary was going to have to leave because she had to get up very early in the a.m. for work, and she and George made a decision they'd never allowed themselves to make before: for one of them to be all alone with another partner. She probably later regretted it, because it was that time alone that let George and I really bond.

George took Hillary home and came back to be with me, having made an agreement with her that he wouldn't stay too late. It wasn't to be an all-nighter. When he came back, I was ready for him again, and then the darndest, most-romantic thing happened: a storm hit and the power went out! Now, for bonding purposes, [see practically any romance novel] you can't beat storms and power-outages, with heroes holding heroines in the dark, making love to the thunder, and the hero whispering in the heroine's ear, "I could really develop feelings for you."

In time, we had to yank ourselves back to reality, George had to drive me home and say goodbye, and our night out of a storybook was over.

For all the intense feelings we'd developed, we would only get to see each other a few more times before the incompatibility of our two couples' philosophies would be impossible to overcome.

More in part V.

~Pym

The First Love Part III

We left off in The First Love Part II with Spencer and I meeting another couple named George and Hillary. Our first error there, I'd say, was meeting them on a swinging site. That didn't make them or their lifestyle bad, but it should have been an indication that they weren't looking for the same thing(s) we were, and our philosophies on "sharing" were going to be a lot different.

We initially met at a restaurant, and hit it off quite well. They were just a smidge older than us, but were physically attractive, funny and intelligent, and down to earth, with a nice family. And they weren't from the South, which gave us even more in common.

When I met George, I felt an attraction almost right away. He was just so cute, kinda' goofy, and I loved his eyes. He kept saying he loved my hair and was wanting to pet it, and said he'd love to help me wash it. [I hope that didn't mean he thought it needed washing.]

We all talked for quite awhile, had some beers, flirted with each other, and then decided to go back to our place to check on our doggy, who's health wasn't so good and couldn't be left alone too long.

At our place [someone got more beer on the way] we drank and laughed more, and things started to get a bit physical. Actually I thought Spencer and Hillary were ahead of us in that department. I could see them smooching some already. Mostly while that was going on, George and I were snuggling on the couch, and he kept saying "I'm the luckiest man alive" and he'd kiss me and we'd snuggle closer. I'm not sure why we had made that connection, but it definitely was there.

Spencer and Hillary went out onto the balcony [I think for Hillary to try to blow him in the dark out there] while George and I stayed on the couch. I was sure Spencer and Hillary were going to "do it" so I felt justified in moving on with George. Sooo, to Spencer's surprise, when he and Hillary came back into the apartment, George and I were engaged in making love on the living room floor!

Spencer wasn't upset, but was started. Hillary wasn't upset because they're swingers and used to spontaneous sex. George and I on the other hand were feeling much more emotional about the whole thing than we let on. He kept saying how sweet I was, and how next time we got together he'd make sure it was something special, "I promise." We were already smitten with each other though our spouses weren't the wiser.

As it turned out, Spencer and Hillary didn't go very far physically after all [Spencer had drank too much] so it was me who had thrown aside the reins and taken off on my own, with some emotional consequences still to come.

~Pym

Tomorrow is a Funeral

Tomorrow we go to Kip's Dad's funeral. I just hate going to funerals. And it's roasting, and it might storm. But the worst part is that someone has died.

I've always had an obsession with death, even as a little kid. I'd sit and think about death, and being dead for infinity, and then wig out, screaming. And I couldn't explain to anyone what my fear was.

It's not as bad as an adult, but lately the fear and obsession have been constantly hovering over my head. If I watch an old movie, all I can think of is that the actors are now dead. If I read a historical novel, all I can think of is that these people would be dead by now. I'm always worrying about family members and friends, and especially about anyone older, like my parents.

Death just seems so inevitable; not like when we were younger and, even though we knew of it and feared it, thought it would never touch us. We'd never die. Our loved ones would never die.

After having experienced my mother-in-law dying, and some work colleagues in past years, and even acquaintances my age or younger, it's just constantly staring me in the face. To the point that I'm not enjoying a lot of my activities.

Spending time with Spencer helps; he makes me laugh and makes me feel alive when we make love. And I'm so fortunate that he gives me the gift of time to spend with Cary. I'm really lucky in so many ways.

Obsessing like this is something I've got to keep working on, and I hope I can eventually shake off, so that I can live and love without worrying when it's all going to end.

I wonder if I'm the only one who thinks and worries the way I do...

~Pym

The First Love, Part II

The day that Spencer and Judith had arranged to have their first sexual encounter, I'd arranged to go to the movies [I remember it was Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy] with a platonic guy friend of mine. He apparently didn't notice how nervous and shaky I was the whole time, thinking of what Spencer was doing at home.

I believe I was intellectually ready -- most of us in this lifestyle say we are -- but the actual leap from an academic discussion of poly to going the full step of caring penetration with another is just that, a leap -- of trust, and faith -- me trusting that Spencer won't go too far emotionally, and he trusting me that I won't in the end wig out.

Well, I didn't wig out, and though it was a difficult step, I was glad that Spencer and Judith had a good time together. It was a feeling of compersion for two people I genuinely cared about and loved.

The problem started with Spencer's growing love for Judith growing into an almost obsession with Judith. Wanting to know if I'd talked to her; she didn't write him back right away, is she off him or ignoring him? Is she talking to other guys? Calling her at her work when he should have been calling me at mine. Yes, after several months of this, I got jealous, and sometimes downright mad.

Spencer does have a habit of latching on to a relationship and nearly driving it into the ground; it's something he's working on now, but back then, I was sick of it. If I heard her name once more I was going to scream!

Eventually, because of conflicts brought on by Spencer's modus operandi, and because of other things on Judith's part, they did go separate ways. I had to say I was relieved, though there was the continual questioning of me if I'd talked to her or seen her and if she asked about Spencer.

Soon however, the tables were going to be turned after we met a couple through Swing Lifestyle, George and Hillary.

And did I ever fall for George.

~Pym

The First Love, Part I

After writing about our initial breaking-in experience with Sydney, I had to have Spencer jog my memory of what came next [it has been a few years]. It seems that because of how the situation made me feel, we didn't attempt much active searching for "adult" friends for awhile.

In the meantime he kept up our online accounts like Adult Friend Finder and Swing Lifestyle [mentions are not to be construed as an endorsement ;O) ] and we continued to discuss what it is we wanted out of an open relationship.

I think still at that point we hadn't hit upon the word polyamory, or we'd only just begun to learn about it. We did think we knew what we didn't want and that was shallow, anonymous sex; we wanted to at least care for and have a friendship with someone if we were going to have sex with them. However we didn't yet discuss how we'd deal with it if one of us actually fell in love with another person.

Until it happened.

Spencer had at that time caught back up with a friend, Judith--now married--from his old high school. I became close to her, too, and she became pretty much a best girlfriend to me. She and Spencer felt comfortable flirting and with time she seemed more and more open to it, especially via email. She also began relaying to Spencer how "un-sexual" her marriage was, and some of the downright nasty things her husband was saying to her about her body. In time, she and Spencer grew closer, and they decided to move on sexually.

Now, I do say that I/we don't want to help spouses cheat, but hearing about the almost verbally-abusive situation she was in [at least hearing it from her side], and counting on them knowing the risks involved, I gave my blessing to them.

And even though Spencer and I talked things out beforehand [though not she and I, which in hindsight may have helped me], and intellectually I was ready, letting the two of them have sex was one of the most difficult things I'd ever done.

~Pym

House Open Marriage Episode

Spencer and I watched tonight's episode of House together, and I'm chatting with Cary about it now. We're all three pretty much in agreement that the episode leaned toward being anti-open marriage. And I thought it was done a bit heavy-handedly: HEY EVERYBODY, THEY HAVE AN OPEN MARRIAGE! And this allows the doctors to ask all kinds of personal questions, even though it would have no bearing on her present condition.

I think Rachel [Taub's wife] was on the right track when she was giving him permission: I think if he'd have gone out with Maya while having permission, it would have taken the thrill out of it, and he probably wouldn't have gone through with it anyway.

Taub was a buffoon for broaching the subject of open marriage with his wife in a crowded restaurant--you can't discuss anything serious in that setting. And once Rachel did give him Thursdays, even if she could have followed through, he should have had more class than to jump on the very next Thursday. And why should it have been any of Taub's co-worker's business?? And why was Foreman especially hard on Taub?

I also wonder why the words polyamory or swinger were never spoken. Not that they're the same thing, but with all the conversation you'd think someone would have said one or the other.

Lots of food for thought in this episode, though it probably was done mainly for titillation and ratings--hey, it worked in getting us to watch!

Would love to hear anyone else's comments on it, too.

'Night,
~Pym

Still here

Yes, Spencer and I are still here! It seems like it's been awhile since I've posted, but in a way it's good because we've been busy with productive things. Lots of pleasure reading, doing things around the house [especially yard work], and spending enriching time together. Spencer is working hard on tapering his drinking and I can see an improvement and give him my heartfelt thanks for trying! I've also gotten to have some wonderful extra time with Cary -- once meeting for a daytime skyclad encounter, on the grass in his fenced-in yard -- oh my that was delicious! [While we were lying there a low-flying plane came overhead and I wondered if they could see us? *smile*] Also, I thank Spencer for giving me the gift of being able to share times like that with someone else that I love. As for Spencer, he's really missing Amanda, but I guess they both know that somehow they cannot get over their communication problems and constant bickering. I hope that after this "hump" of hard feelings, they can still come back together as friends. Spencer is actively looking for someone with alternative spiritual leanings and a tolerance for someone working on an addiction...on that note, if anyone is interested in corresponding with Spencer, do contact me and I'll do my best to introduce you!
~Pym

Dr. Jekyll

I really don't have any qualms in admitting that I'm an enabler, nor in emphasizing the goodness, the Dr. Jekyll side, of Spencer. He's hard enough on himself as it is, and me constantly criticizing doesn't help the deep self-esteem issues. I'm sure that's more of my enabling traits, but I find it hard to tear someone down when a) they're busy fighting demons that have tentacles longer than both our lives, and b) I love them.

Since Pym's Escape is my way to vent, I'm sure it's giving a more negative view of Spencer. I may have painted him as only Mr. Hyde, and there really is so much more to him. I could give a laundry list of all of his Jekyll qualities, his sense of humor, his sexiness, his solicitiousness, his intelligence and creativity. But as I was talking to Cary tonight about what I find with Spencer, the word that stood out was joy.

Even with all we endure as a couple, that is still what I feel every day with Spencer...most especially when he's sober for sure...but still, I feel it every day in some way.

Mr. Hyde may need a swift kick in the pants,
but as for Dr. Jekyll, he brings me joy.

--Pym

Moving Backward...

This is going to be pretty much a stream of consciousness post; I'm not going to worry about paragraphs or spelling. I've had such a horrible past two nights that I've just got to get it out or I'm going to scream! I don't even know what details to give but suffice it to say Spencer is truly driving me insane. I think I'm going to end up in a hospital, or I'm going to put him in a hospital: either a rehab one, or because I've beaned him with a blunt object! And I know when he reads this he's going to only see reasons that he should leave; or reasons to do himself in. He'll fail to see another option: GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER!
I think he's purposely trying to push me away; either so he can fulfill this self-destructive, self-fulfilling prophecy of "no one loves me or cares about me" or so I can be the ultimate bitch like his last live-in, fifteen years ago. He keeps saying, when he's drunk, you should leave me, you should divorce me. Maybe I should, but I'm not planning on it.
When he's sober and doing things such as going to our counselor, like just last Wednesday, there is always so much hope! But when he drinks, and then gets a Mr. Hyde personality like he has the last two nights, it's just a nightmare!
I don't know what makes the difference between the "good binges" [if they can really be called that] and these nightmare binges. He has such a self-destructive attitude. Friday night he was saying he didn't want to be here [life] anymore; that wait and he'll be gone. He punched the stove, slammed his fist on the counter, we argued, I cried, I tried to go to bed so he'd leave me alone, but he just follows me...talking...and talking...in my ear, practically smothering me while I'm lying there...sometimes saying scary things, sometimes mean things. I had to hold back from hitting him, which I've done in the past out of pure rage. I drank most of my 1/2 pint of brandy, to try to escape and keep calm; I took a 1/2 xanax. Finally he'd leave the room and I'd bawl my eyes out. Then he came back and finally fell asleep.
When he reads this he's, again, only going to see reasons he should leave or kill himself...I'm terrifying of him hurting himself... Or he's going to hold it against me that I've written all I've written. It'll make him look bad. He's said before [sober], I don't want to be that jerk that everyone points to and says, "there's that guy; he's a jerk; stay away from him" but yet his actions [drunk] push him into that category.
And I know this Mr. Hyde personality isn't really him; it's his terrors, and childhood traumas, and his fears coming out, like some kind of toxicity that seethes through his skin...but the real him is Dr. Jekyll, the loving, kind, smart, and funny person I married.
Gotta take a breath here.
I know I shouldn't be drinking either, and there's no excuse except my need of escape also. I want it so I can be calm and just fall asleep. I've had my own suicidal thoughts as well, and was tempted to down more than brandy, but I won't do that; I know how much a suicide in Spencer's family affected him, and I'd never do that to him or to my family.
That's something I just can't understand: he's so tormented by this suicide of a loved one, but he seems to think he can turn around and put me through that same torment and nightmare. How dare he even consider it? And I also can't fathom, knowing how much Spencer went through with an abusive alcoholic dad, how can it be okay to put me, and us, through it today? I know these are simplistic questions and the answers are multi-layered and oh-so-complex, but to just have him realize the irony would be a start.
Whew, I think I'm a bit spent now, but it feels so good to have gotten a lot off my chest!
I want to also add that Friday night, while I was bawling, I was saying inside, "I need a friend, I need a friend!" and after Spencer fell asleep and I got on the computer for a distraction, in the beautiful synchronicity of the Universe, I was message by a friend, Charlie--someone from my home state who I'd only just begun re-corresponding with in the last few months, a friend whom I love very much, and I thank him for listening to me and giving me some laughs and a lot of support.
Of course the next day, Spencer finds Charlie's cell phone number and asks me if I'm going to leave him. No, Baby, I am NOT planning on leaving you. If I ever do leave, it will not be for another person; it would be to regain my sanity and live by myself! I don't want to live with anyone else; I want to live with the man I married, but it's got to be a sane, productive, thriving existence; we've got the love mastered, how come we can't get the other stuff right?

Moving forward

Today was our second appointment together at the counselor, and I'm proud of how well Spencer is opening up and expressing himself, especially since the counselor is a guy. But he's a cool guy and seems to listen and make suggestions without harsh judgment, only helping hone perspectives.

Our Valentine's weekend was really nice; had a three-day weekend since Monday was Presidents' Day. Spencer and I spent Saturday together during the day, doing some of our favorite things: going thrift store shopping and eating out.

In the evening he went with Kip to a movie and I got to have a quick visit [and a quickie] with Cary. It could only be a quickie due to time constraints but it was hot! Hot to see him, be pounded by him, and lie on the bed together afterwards. We're both hoping we can find the opportunity to spend more than just minutes to hours together sometime in the near future, and I'm lobbying to get a room for a night, but that's a step he and his wife will have to decide upon together. It would be their first time sharing during an all-nighter, and I want them both to be comfortable with it if it happens.

At least that's what I tell myself. Truthfully, if he said he was going to tell her that he would be out of town a night for a convention, but got us a room instead...I'd still take it. Isn't that terrible? In my rationalization I'd say it's because I don't believe she tells Cary everything she does, and I think she's flat-out cheated on him in the past. And, yes, I did that to my first husband, but hypocritical or not, I don't think it's any worse for him to do so if she has already. Sigh, where are my principles? And I know Spencer would be disappointed in me if I did it. Hmmm, I need to think that one over a bit more...

Spencer has been missing Amanda quite a bit, and is trying to at least keep some email communications going with her. It's good for him to have someone to talk to who understands our lifestyle, but I'm not sure if it's healthy for them to pursue a romantic relationship again. As long as they can get along, I'll support them both; but I don't want to have to put back on the striped referee uniform. I look terrible in stripes.

First Experiences, Part II

As a foreword to this post, I'd like to report that Spencer and I had a great week; he went all during the work week without drinking, and we've had a lot of fun, and today some hot sex, while Cary watched on cam...'couldn't ask for more except maybe for Cary to be with us...and it was topped off with a trip to our favorite Mexican restaurant. Now that's a beautiful day!

Returning to the topic of some of our first experiences: after all our discussions about what we might like to try, we decided to attend our first swingers' "social" just to check things out.

Spencer had joined some online groups and contacted a husband and wife who hosted regular socials in a nearby town. After a few emails back and forth in which they cleared us to attend, we were give the time and place for the event. Yes, even swingers have a vetting process.

It was probably obvious that it was our first time, and we both felt like green newbies, being pretty much looked over like fresh meat by a lot of the attendees. However we were warmly welcomed by an older couple and sat with them for most of the evening.

I could tell this Mrs. would have liked to have bonked Spencer right away, and for the age difference, she was kinda' on the hot side, but we just weren't ready. In total truth, besides the younger couple we met later, she was probably one of the hotter/classier women there -- I'm afraid most of the other women, barring just a few, were quite overweight and not the most attractive, and the same goes for many of the men.

I'm sure it sounds judgmental, but when it comes to having sex, or making love, there needs to be some physcial attraction. We're not model quality but when someone has "let themselves go" it shows.

We were introduced to a couple younger than us, the wife of the couple being bi and really attractive and nicely plump. I danced with her, which was cool, especially knowing lots of eyes were on us.

This social took place at a hotel and we were invited back to the room of the younger couple, though we still weren't ready for anything physical. We all four talked for awhile, Spencer giving her a neck massage, and her husband giving me one. Before leaving I kissed her on the mouth, and also her husband, and then Spencer kissed her. So far all had gone smoothly, with no pressure on either of us and no real jealousies to speak of...until Spencer kissed her on the forehead.

For some reason this bothered me more than a full-on mouth kiss, I think because it was a tender gesture, and I believed that it should be reserved only for me.

I think we didn't talk too much on the way home but when we finally crawled into bed, I cried, and Spencer held me, and I admitted that this kiss really bothered and hurt me.

We were both a little surprised that such an innocent action could elicit as strong a response from me as it did, but we talked it out, beginning our journey down a road of "alternative" experiences and a deepening relationship.

Balance

Sunday I was hoping to get with Cary and have a back-seat fling, however as we were chatting I revealed that it'd been almost a month since Spencer and I had made love. His reply: "Holy Shit!"

And then he made a sensible suggestion: he asked me to restore balance and harmony in the Universe and make love to Spencer, before he (Cary) and I do again.

It made me feel good that he was considering Spencer (not too many guys would turn down sex to make sure someone else got it -- is it a form of fraternal compersion?), and it was a reminder that Spencer is my primary, in sex and love.

Not that I don't know or feel that, but like I said to Cary, it's true that often Spencer and I are so drained with day-to-day life and worries that we forget to look at each other as lovers.

I did make love to Spencer -- well, really, he made love to me -- it'd been a long time since we did missionary, and it was lovely. I felt so warm and cocooned in his arms.

But then I did use the Magic Wand while Spencer caught his breath -- and that was a sweet ending to long-overdue lovemaking.

--Pym

Should I be worried?

It's been a month since I've seen Cary and we've made love. We're still texting but not quite as often, and with fewer of the endearments of "baby" and "I miss you and love you."

I do realize he's very busy; he has a family and a profession...I'm just missing the positive feedback...and if it is the case that he wishes to wind down our relationship, I would like to know.

I'm not feeling as hurt as I thought I might be when he does eventually move on; mainly curious as to if we're going to proceed, and if not, if it's the result of something specific.

Of course, I could be reading more into this perceived distance than it actually means; it probably means that he's just busy with his life.

On the other hand, Spencer and I have had a nice weekend so far. We're both too low-energy for sex, but have enjoyed just being together, reading, shopping, puttering around the house...sweetly low-key, sane, and boring...I love it.

Steps in the Right Direction

This morning we experienced what I like to call a breakthrough. I had my usual counseling session but arranged to bring Spencer along, and I believe he got something positive out of it.

The counselor was a guy a bit younger than us but who seemed to really understand where Spencer was coming from. And I think, after a little initial awkwardness, Spencer felt comfortable talking about some important issues.

I told him how proud I am of him that he's making this effort and is willing to work on things. And as I know he's not the only one, I'm also willing to work on my issues that affect him and us.

In a sort-of-related aside, I am so thankful to have the insurance coverage to pay for my psychiatric and counseling sessions. In this country, mental health issues take a back seat to "physical" ailments, but so many aspects of our lives hinge on our mental health. Virtually all aspects. How else could we function day to day? And it's a true shame that affordable care isn't more readily available. *stepping down from soapbox*

--Pym

First Experiences, Part 1

I'm trying to think back to our earliest experiences and experiments in our lifestyle. To include everything, I'd have to go back all the way to our first date.

The date included only we two, but for some reason Spencer thought it appropriate to show a video of a naked woman wallowing on his [clothed] lap. There is a story behind the video, but to this day Spencer remarks, "I can't believe I showed that to you on our first date."

The footage was actually audition footage of the woman's tryout for a friend's movie. Apparently it was "anything goes" for her and she gamely took off her clothes to enhance her audition. Spencer, being the co-director, got to be her straight man, so to speak.

Call me a lugnut, but I thought the video quite funny, especially seeing Spencer's uncomfortable posturing, not sure how to react to this spontaneous gift of naked womanhood, literally plopping into his lap. As talkative as he is about sex, he can be a shy boy when it comes down to real interaction, and the discomfort on his face was charming to me.

Even on that first date, just sitting on the floor in his apartment living room and talking for hours, we discussed how we felt about open "relationshipping". I hadn't yet told him [I was to admit it sometime during the night] that I had cheated in my marriage that had ended the year before, so honest non-monogamy was something I wasn't opposed to, though I'd never heard the word polyamorous.

Later that night we went back to my apartment with a 6-pack. To me the drinking was just a bit of cutting loose on a Friday night--I didn't know it'd become a way of life--but at the time it was a blast. We drank and sang and went to bed, and talked about all kinds of things. During the night I cried and told him what I did in my first marriage, and he told me it was okay. Finally we made love, and we've been together ever since, sharing lots of love, some hurts and losses, but no regrets.

New Year's Revelations

The first day of my new year I spent in self-inflicted agony after consuming a bottle of white zinfandel and a bottle of pink champagne New Year's Eve...which brings back the question: is Spencer the only one with the drinking problem? I don't want to answer it today, but it is something to think about.

Today's the second day into the new year, and I'm feeling miles better; but now Spencer is down for the count with a cold. It's my turn to care for him as he cared for me yesterday. He was kinder to me in my hungover state than I would have been to him, I admit.

We're doing some much-needed cleaning around our house, including going through years of papers belonging to us and to his recently deceased mom. Shredding and plowing through all this stuff is cathartic.

Something else that was cathartic for Spencer was, on New Year's Eve, while blazing drunk, he kept muttering "I've done you wrong, I've done you wrong." Of course one can't say that and not expect the other person to keep prying as to "what is it you've done??" Being that I was also three sheets to the wind, I figured I wasn't going to care much whatever it was.

It turns out that, before we were actually married but after we'd become a couple, Spencer had some sexual exploits about which I was not informed. He says he cheated but as we weren't married yet, I can't use as strong a word. And since I'd out-and-out cheated in my first marriage, I don't have much of a leg to stand on anyway. I'm just truly glad that he feels better for having told me. And really the timing couldn't have been better seeing as how I was happily toasted at the time of the revelation.

I'm oddly not mad at all. We've been married a few years now and anything before seems so long ago anyway. I did take the opportunity while the air was being cleared to tell Spencer about a couple instances in which Cary and I performed acts I wasn't forthcoming about myself. Spencer knows of all the times when Cary and I have met, but I didn't feel I could reveal that a) Cary and I did anal and b) I swallowed [well at least 75% of it] once with Cary; things that I hadn't done with Spencer in a long time, and I thought it would hurt his feelings that I did these things with someone else.

So those instances are off my chest, and now, too, I've revealed this blog to Spencer. He can read it all he wants, but if he gets angry at my honesty and wants to vent, he can get his own blog.

We'll have to think of a suitable acronym for him: PAYMANDS? Polyamorous Alcoholic Yankee Married to an Anxious Neurotic in the Deep South?

PYMADS, or, Call me Pym

PYMADS stands for: Polyamorous Yankee Married to an Alcoholic in the Deep South...or I'll go by Pym for short...hence Pym's Escape.

I'm in love with two men, neither who yet knows I'm blogging, though it's not just about them. Somehow, as a Yankee I've ended up in the Deep South, married to another exile from the North who happens to be an alcoholic.

I'll call him Spencer, [names will be changed for CYA purposes] NOT after that milque-toast pseudo-celebrity, but after the Spencer Tracy/Kate Hepburn love affair: equal-minded, intelligent souls involved in unconventional love, and he a raging alcoholic or so I've heard. Doomed somehow, but timeless. If only I looked like her...

I'm married to and in love with Spencer, a handsome troubled soul, who is loving and solicitous to me, and has the libido of [his favorite phrase]: a "three-balled Tomcat". From the first, though our new sex-life was exceptional, we knew we would be an unconventional couple, and though we didn't know the word yet: polyamorous. I had strayed in a past marriage and swore I would never do it again. Knowing how much we both enjoy physical loving intimacy, and knowing a human-being's penchant to not be monogamous, we were honest from the beginning that we'd eventually take the open marriage route.

We dabbled in "swinging" and realized it wasn't for us. Too loose and free for us and too hurtful, as we'd develop feelings for others who wanted only the physical. We started looking into polyamory, of which there are almost infinite degrees. Into that philosophy of love and life we've carved our own little niche.

I realize most people would think that all this dabbling would be a death-knell to a marriage. Actually the polyamory has been a blessed outlet for us both. It's the least cause of tension in our marriage. That honor goes to alcoholism.

Spencer didn't start drinking until his early 20s, which makes me think, if he made it all through his teen years without drinking, why even start?? But his traumatic childhood and genetics caught up with him, and now he has this one more demon on his back. It's a strong reason why our polyamory gives us both an escape from day-to-day responsibilities. And me an escape from the drunkenness.

He's a wonderful person, Spencer, and when sober is my soul-mated Dr. Jekyll...when drunk, a raving Mr. Hyde. How do I deal with it? Mostly with love, some Al-Anon meetings, support from Spencer's girlfriend Amanda [more on her in another post], friends, now-thin patience, xanax, port, and Cary: the other man I love.

Cary's marriage is also an open one, though I'm not convinced it's without some problems of its own. I try to not press him for any details; I just want to be his escape as he's mine. I try to not let him know of the "drama" in my life, though I'm sure he does. I feel like the less baggage I bring into our relationship, the longer it will last. He's sweet and soft, very sexual but also very shy. I liken Spencer to a thick multi-layered devil's food cake; Cary is the lickable butter-cream frosting on top...more tenuous in structure, but I could bathe in a vat of that frosting.

Have I stayed on my opening topic? I am a PYMADS who is trying to stay sane in a still-somewhat-strange, judgmental culture. But it's all life, isn't it? Love, life, sharing, compassion, paychecks and bootstraps. And xanax.