Tearful Night

Last night I had a hard night, though I can't put my finger on exactly why. Spencer had to comfort me while I slowly cried and couldn't explain the sadness. I do take Paxil for ocd symptoms and some depression, but I'd missed a couple doses while waiting to pick up my refill and that may have contributed some.

I also feel a bit rejected that I haven't heard from Cary in almost a week. Granted, his last text five days ago said "I love you" but I admit I need more communication. Spencer said Cary is dealing with a lot since his wife had recently asked him for a divorce, and I do know that, but I want to help him through it if I can, and I feel like I can't reach out to him.

It's also very possible that he's having to reign in texts/emails/chats so that nothing can be held against him in a divorce proceeding, but I would understand that, too, if he'd just let me know.

Anyhow, that's my confused perspective at the moment.

I was really thinking last night that when this relationship with Cary runs its course, I don't want to date anyone for awhile. I won't keep Spencer from seeking anyone else out, but I'm just emotionally tired.

It hurts too much.

Sunday Sadness

I've got a sort of sadness this evening I can't seem to shake. I think I'm feeling a bit scared because Spencer is continuing his binge over at Kip's and I was hoping he'd come home today sober. Maybe scared isn't the right word--apprehensive?--but I'm missing him...and when he calls on the phone to check in he sounds so pitifully drunk and anything could happen to him. At least he's not driving. And they are just watching television. I suppose it could be worse.

I did three loads of laundry and should feel accomplished for that, but I don't. I paid one bill online and am worried how we're going to meet the rest. I feel guilty for having taken a nap, and have been eating all afternoon. I just want to shower and go back to bed. Sigh, I sound like such a wet blanket lol.

Sunday Blues I suppose. Growing up, I almost always got depressed on Sundays and often had headaches, in anticipation and worry about school the next day. I do love my job, so that's not the problem here; I look forward to going to work in the mornings. Hmm...I'll have to think of a new name for it...

The Too-Hot Sunday, I Ate Too Much and Think I'm Fat, and I Miss My Man Being Sober, and My Cat is Ignoring Me Blues.

:O)
~Pym

Off permanently, it seems

The visit to Amanda by her ex-boyfriend appears to have been the death knell for hers and Spencer's relationship. That really wasn't the only reason they've broken up but the accompanying baggage tipped it over the edge.

Being in the middle I can see points of view held by both. Spencer was hurt that he wasn't asked how he'd feel if Amanda and [we'll call him] Gig had sex while he visited, but was just told that it would most likely happen.

I'm guessing that Amanda, wanting to reconnect with someone who could potentially be her primary, probably didn't want to be discouraged from having sex with Gig, nor have to deal with someone else's jealousy.

Spencer was hurt that Amanda now admits when she said she loved him, she didn't mean it that way, as in in love. That's a hurt I can empathize with, though I don't believe she meant to hurt Spencer intentionally.

Through this, all I can do is support and love my Spencer, and stay a supportive friend of Amanda.

Spencer remains encouraging of my relationship with Cary, and I appreciate that.

And on a somewhat different note, I was sent links by a friend to a couple naturalist/nudist/clothing optional resorts. It's too cold now, but visiting one has been a goal of ours for quite awhile, and maybe planning a trip will give Spencer something to look forward to.