To Where Would You Escape?

Really, to where would I escape if I could?

Being 1st generation German-American, you'd think the lovely little town where my parents grew up, with the central church spire, in the northwest of Germany.

Or having travelled once [a trip of a lifetime] to Istanbul, that might be a choice as well.

But being a dedicated Anglophile from young adulthood, and having recently watched Sense and Sensibilty, and because I'm presently reading same, I've decided the best place for me to escape: a stone cottage on a hillside in Devonshire.

If you had one place you could go, that would be both paradise and contentment for you, where would it be?

~Pym

It's March Already??

Wow, I haven't posted in quite awhile, and I'm not sure where to start in order to catch up! I've got to make a more concerted effort to post in a timely manner, even if the posts are shorter in length!

Let's see, I think we last left off with Spencer cutting ties with his drinking buddy Kip. Kip's reaction wasn't one of maturity, and it got so bad that we had to file harassment charges against him. We're not sure when the court date will be, but it's been nice and quiet since we filed.

Spencer has been doing much better as far as his anger issues that accompanied drinking with Kip. And the quantity of beer consumed is less on any given evening, though there have been some stretches of up to five evenings in a row. But I'll take lower quantities and more evenings over excessive quantities once or twice a week and lots of angry talk and arguing.

In general, I say we're getting along noticeably better, laughing together more, spending evenings watching television, talking, reading, and have had some luscious sex.

And I've had really good moral support from Huxley and Cary and a couple guys on facebook [ES and BD] for which I'm thankful.

Spencer is also back to focusing on some of his metaphysical interests and helping with a group in a neighboring city that meets monthly to discuss related topics. It's given him more purpose and makes him feel necessary and needed. He's also starting a life-coach program with a recent presenter, and we've got hopes that it'll at least give him skills to set goals and create a strategy to meet them.

I'd really also like for him to find a companion as special to him as Cary is to me. I'm hoping that with his participation in this metaphysical group, he'll find someone like-minded and compatible. It's been a blessing to me to have Cary, and the growing, though at this point long-distance, friendship I have with Huxley, and I want Spencer to feel as appreciated and loved as I do--to feel those things from someone in addition to me. He's allowed me that gift, and he deserves the same.

On a different note, we did get to go away for a couple nights to a local resort/casino, and though the beer flowed freely, we hardly argued or fussed. And we ate like each meal was our last lol. But it was a great escape, and knowing Baby was being taken care of by our house-sitter enabled us to relax and not worry so much. We usually only get to travel once a year together, so we made the most of it!

That's where I'll leave it for this evening,
But I thank you for checking back in with me,
And I wish you,
Warmer days and cozier nights,
~Pym

A Poem Published!

Hot damn! A poem I submitted was recently published to Talent Drips Erotic Publishing [December issue] -- how exciting!

You can read it here at this link [it's the second poem: titled Until Forever]:

http://ashygirlforgirls.tripod.com/talentdripseroticpublishings/id1.html

See if you can figure out who/what it's about ;O)

Regards,
~Pym

Lately

A couple things have been going on lately to give me some extra stress, and Spencer will be happy to know that they're not because of anything he's done lol -- at least not directly.

First off, Spencer has cut ties with Kip, his drinking buddy. A toxic relationship indeed.

The trouble there is that Kip has reacted like a jilted girlfriend, contacting mutual friends to leave messages, and destroying some of the "gifts" given to him by Spencer in the past. One of which he sliced up with a knife or some sharp object. That prompted me to almost have a panic attack, thinking he's going to break in and hurt Baby, just to get back at Spencer. We're even considering taking out a restraining order on him.

Spencer and Huxley had to talk me down from the panic, though reasonable caution [and keeping our video camera with us always] is still the watchword.

The other thing happening that's hurt my feelings is the lack of communication from Cary. And I admit, it may be me being too sensitive on this one: Cary had a huge test that he needed to pass the other night, and I'd been really in his corner, rooting for him. But when he passed, he didn't text me to let me know, I had to find out from a facebook posting. It makes me feel a bit slighted and taken for granted. Along with that, a bunch of women on his friends list -- buxom, beautiful, and technically "free" -- congratulated him, and yes, jealousy has reared it's ugly head lol [Mine apparently.]

I'm sure I'm making a big deal out of that, but the feelings are real, and it's difficult for me to tamp them down. I think the reason it's bothering me is that I know Cary will eventually move on to someone he can marry, and maybe even have more kids with, and that even though I've been the one who has been his strongest supporter during the turmoil of his divorce, I know I'm going to get left in the dust of whatever his new life brings; and I know it's going to hurt.

But those are the consequences for the choices I've made in this life, and even though I'll probably feel pain, the love and relationship is still worth it.

There's also a bright spot on my horizon, and that's my friendship with Huxley. He's been given permission by his wife to gain sexual satisfaction elsewhere, and we'd both like very much to be able to consummate that freedom together.

Spencer has given his consent, and the only reason I'm wavering now is in consideration of Cary's feelings. On one hand, because of how much he's been hurt by his soon-to-be-ex-wife, I'm a little afraid to even broach the subject with him. On the other hand, his lack of communication -- and our co- lack of communication on the topic of seeing others [do we? is he? can I?] makes me wonder if it's something I should tell him at all. It seems we have a weird, unspoken agreement to not talk about personal things outside of we two.

I know that's anathema to the poly philosophy, but I also know that at this point I don't want to know if he's seeing someone else, and I'm honestly not sure if he'd want to know if I was. Only because of making sure we stay disease-free would I need to know.

I also don't want Huxley to feel like some Plan B, because if I thought no feelings were going to be hurt, I'd have been up to see him looong ago ;O)

Time to dash, but comments and advice are welcome,
Regards,
~Pym

Reboot

It's a new year, and even though I had considered deactivating Pym's Escape, I've decided to keep it up.

KBO, that's what Winston Churchill said, "Keep Buggering On."

I hadn't posted for awhile because at first, things were going much better, and I hadn't had to escape into Pym's. Then the weather got too cold to even sit for long in our computer room. But what might have been the final blow to Pym's was that it didn't feel therapeutic or beneficial any longer, when Spencer would say during or after an argument, "go tell it on Pym's." It felt like it was the end of me being able to be open and honest on Pym's without it later being chucked in my face.

When we'd both cooled down after that particular argument, Spencer asked me to keep the blog up and use it; that I needed the outlet.

In that spirit then, of having healthy outlets, I'm declaring 2011 The Year of Pym's Mental Health.

Though changing from one year to another is mainly a psychological move [every night at midnight, even every minute or every second is a change from one year to another] it's still a good opportunity to set some mental goals, to delineate a starting point for improvement.

And in declaring 2011 The Year of Pym's Mental Health, I'm sort of declaring my independence. Independence from all the worrying and wigging-out over Spencer's drinking -- it's not anything I can control anyway. Independence from other worries that plague me as an obsessive-compulsive. And my actions and decisions will be based on how something will effect my mental health.

In essence, I come first.

That doesn't mean that what I decide will be counter to what Spencer may need, or what my relationship with him, or with Cary, or with Huxley [which may be progressing towards physical intimacy as well] will need. What I need isn't necessarily mutually exclusive to what others need, but I'm putting my mental health first. I don't think any of the people who love me will begrudge me that.

Here's to a new year, new friendships, new-life to important relationships, and a shiny, refurbished, almost-like-new but even better mental outlook.

Tearful Night

Last night I had a hard night, though I can't put my finger on exactly why. Spencer had to comfort me while I slowly cried and couldn't explain the sadness. I do take Paxil for ocd symptoms and some depression, but I'd missed a couple doses while waiting to pick up my refill and that may have contributed some.

I also feel a bit rejected that I haven't heard from Cary in almost a week. Granted, his last text five days ago said "I love you" but I admit I need more communication. Spencer said Cary is dealing with a lot since his wife had recently asked him for a divorce, and I do know that, but I want to help him through it if I can, and I feel like I can't reach out to him.

It's also very possible that he's having to reign in texts/emails/chats so that nothing can be held against him in a divorce proceeding, but I would understand that, too, if he'd just let me know.

Anyhow, that's my confused perspective at the moment.

I was really thinking last night that when this relationship with Cary runs its course, I don't want to date anyone for awhile. I won't keep Spencer from seeking anyone else out, but I'm just emotionally tired.

It hurts too much.

Quick Update

My overtime project is done -- yay! -- and a lot things have happened since I've last been able to post. The two main things: Spencer's rehab didn't fly...for various reasons; and Cary's wife has asked him for a divorce.

I'll try to fill in the details a little more later, but those are the biggies.

Missed everyone!
~Pym

Busy Busy Week

It's Saturday and I'm still working, and probably will be through the weekend, but it's been great to be busy! A bunch of us did stop for awhile yesterday, and attended Seth's memorial service. It's so hard to believe he's gone and not coming back, but the service was filled with remembrances and not too sad. There was even some humor, which was fitting, because Seth was always with a smile and laugh.

Spencer has been feeling positive results from his chiropractic appointments, which makes him less cranky from being in pain all the time, and hence, much easier to live with lol. And he wants to try some herbal supplements for pain such as devil's claw, if we can get our hands on it.

Yesterday I got to see Cary for some spontaneous afternoon delight, and I carried the wonderful feeling with me the rest of the day.

Spencer might meet a woman next week that he's been friends with on facebook for quite awhile. He really does need another positive relationship to give him a boost, especially now that he'll be starting the rehab program. The more support the better!

Must dash; so much to do!
Hope all is well in your world,
~Pym

Checking In

Working these extra hours has me away from my home computer alot, but we're still kicking!

Spencer had his rehab assessment yesterday, which seemed to go well, and he's scheduled to sit down with a counselor next week and draw up a treatment plan. Then he'll have about 3 months of intensive outpatient treatment.

Taking it one appointment at a time, but it feels good to have tools to deal with our situation!

Hope all is well in your world,
~Pym

Lost a Friend

I found out yesterday that I lost my friend, Seth, who I knew through work. He was an older gentleman, but the last time I saw him he was looking great. This is quite a shock to all, and I've been bumming quite a bit and spent most of the day yesterday thinking of him, and how I can't believe it. We don't even know yet how he died, or when will be the funeral.

He made a point to talk to me whenever he came into the building, and he always kissed me on the cheek. He was a gentleman, but I always thought he was just a bit smitten with me. This isn't ego talking, since Spencer got the same vibe when we'd run into him. I was quite flattered, actually. :O)

Spencer liked him, too, since they had some interests in common. I'd recently encouraged each of them to talk more to one other because of this. So sad that they didn't have a chance to really get together other than on facebook.

This happened so fast, that it makes me want to tell those around me that I love them, early and often. Please take every chance you get to do the same.

Hugs,
~Pym

Sleepy

Wow, I can't believe it's already Thursday night--last I knew I was wallowing in a hotel king-size bed this past Sunday :O)

'Putting in some "overtime" hours for an extra project through work, so have been going between work and home, work and home, with some eating and sleeping in between. Thankfully I've had lots of assistance from Spencer [especially with keeping the house in order] or things would never get done around here!

So, taking my sleepy butt to bed with Spencer and Baby;
'Hope everyone else is also having a productive week, and that your sleep is the sleep of satisfying exhaustion,
'Night,
~Pym

One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest

Today I just got back from a Girl Night Out at a local hotel, and I must say: IT WAS HEAVENLY!

Precipitating my one-night departure were a couple things: Spencer was on his fourth night of binge-drinking, one of which had us in an awful row, and I needed to get away before we rolled back in to another argument; I'd gotten a bit of a bonus from work and wanted to splurge a little on me; I'd recently had a minor outpatient medical procedure but hadn't gotten much rest to recover; and it might provide an opportunity to see Cary in luxurious surroundings [it did *grinning wickedly*].

Spencer was quite obliging to my needs, saying it was probably a good idea. [He's going to his alcohol rehab assessment in a week and a half, and said these past four nights were his "last hurrah" and that I should have my own good time, agreeing I should invite Cary. He's also experiencing some major pain from--we think--sciatica, and he'll be going to a chiropractor next week, but it makes him waaay cranky and difficult to be around; even he says so lol].

So, it was time to take off for an afternoon of relaxation: I grabbed a couple books, loaded up on snacks [Oreos, nuts, jalapeno chips, a caramel apple, bottle of wine] and checked in. I'd been keeping in contact with Cary since I'd gotten the idea to get a room, and he thought he'd be able to come meet me.

Shortly after I checked in and took a quick shower, he got to come over; and we had a wonderful time! We pretty much exhausted ourselves with one thing and another *wink* and then wallowed on the king size bed afterwards, having conversation and even nodding off together.

Cary's been under some stresses of his own and needed attention and pampering, too, so I was honored to be able to share my excursion with him. I'd have done the Girl Night Out thing regardless if he could have made it or not, but him coming [insert double entendre here] was a super bonus! I also gave him the extra room key in case he could come back later, but alas, it was not to be.

However, I did my own wallowing on the bed, watching cable [we don't subscribe to it at home--we're too cheap lol], eating, sipping some wine, and reading. Oh, and showering! That was one of the best showers I've ever experienced in a hotel room, and the soap scent was out-of-this-world! I took 5, count 'em FIVE, showers over a 21-hour period! It all may sound a bit excessive and wasteful, but I considered this "time out" as an investment in my mental health! Heck, if I'd been hospitalized for a week [I was heading in that direction], think of all the resources that would consume. That's how I look at it anyway ;O)

And I'll do it again the next time I'm able; I'm signed up at the hotel reservation web site for "Tenth Night is Free" and I'll be signing up for the individual hotel's rewards program--I'm gonna milk this getaway option for all it's worth: and it's worth more than I can say.

One other thing I wanted to mention was the interesting dream I had while there: I dreamt that Spencer and I joined a "pod" of polyamorous couples and their children. It truly gave me a warm feeling of acceptance and love from everybody, especially the other women. But in another way, it also seemed to narrow down what I think I want from a polyamorous relationship [weird how these things happen in your sleep; and as an aside, I think I had this dream because I kept seeing commercials for Sister Wives on TLC, which I haven't been able to watch yet, and--here's the kicker--I watched part of a documentary on the Manson Family! It was a big yikes, but it also seemed that if Manson hadn't been bat-shit crazy, or if the others on the ranch {supposedly there were a dozen adults and several children all residing there} had ridden him out on a rail, living with a group of people communally could be an idyllic and beautiful way to live...but, I digress]. Even though it was a satisfying experience in the dream to be pod-joined, and Spencer and I would both have other partners, my dream-self decided that I really wanted to be Spencer's primary. I didn't want other women [or other men in my case] to be on the same level of commitment as we were to each other.

I guess in other words, it was fine to be in love with others, but I still wanted us to be each others' number one and "special" mate. We could even live with another couple and exchange partners, but they would be one-anothers' primary mates and the same for us.

Have I gone and made this totally confusing? Am I over-analyzing? Does this make sense to others of you in polyamorous lifestyles? In your opinion does the framework I've described still meet your definition of polyamory?

I'd love to hear any comments or discussion!
Thanks for taking time to read what I think is my longest-post-ever lol

~Pym

TGWTDT Quickie

Quickie post this morning...things are going smoothly here lately, and Fall seems to have arrived -- yay! It's my favorite time of year!

Wanted to mention that over the weekend I viewed the Swedish film The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo -- and it was a rocking thriller, so well-acted, that I think it must be pure arrogance on Hollywood's part to think it needs to be remade here. I can't wait for the next film, which I believe is being worked on: The Girl Who Played With Fire. [The third should be The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest; all are based on author Stieg Larsson's set of thriller novels.]

http://www.musicboxfilms.com/the-girl-with-the-dragon-tattoo

If you get a chance, I highly recommend seeing it!
Enjoy!

Must dash,
~Pym

Hot Tub Time Machine

'Forgot to mention something very good from yesterday: Spencer got his appointment confirmation letter from our community's substance abuse rehabilitation center, for the 2nd week of October. It's an initial assessment of his situation and they'll then decide whether he can go for intensive outpatient or will need inpatient rehab.

Wheels are rolling -- YEAH!

My first day off yesterday was fun, us having lunch and conversation with Amanda and her sister. They really are such cool people! ;O)

Let's see, then we ran a few errands, stopped for a visit at another friend's place, and came home and--limiting ourselves both on alcohol [Spencer stuck to his promise of only a six-pack, and I had a couple glasses of wine]--watched Hot Tub Time Machine...OMG, it was hilarious! Spencer related quite a bit to the character of Lou [the anything-goes alcoholic] and I really liked the geeky 20-year-old nephew! He was adorable and a hoot! The fashions made me cringe, too, especially knowing that I wore that stuff, big hair and all! Yuk!

Today I cleaned the living room, Spencer did dishes, and we went out to lunch and took one lap around the mall for exercise. However it was so crowded, mostly with teenagers, that we ditched our second lap and came home and took a nap lol

This evening I took Spencer over to Kip's, and I came back home, fixed guacamole, and will have some wine, snacks and a movie.

Baby has been either itching or sleeping all day lol Poor thing, we're waiting for his Capstar order to arrive so we can tackle some of his fleas.

I heard from Huxley earlier today, and am hoping to touch base with Cary.

It's been a nice day: relaxing, no fussing, good food, nap, and company.
And I'm very thankful.

~Pym

First Day of Vacation

'Morning of my first off-day for a few days of vacation, yeah!
I'm hoping it's as relaxing as I'd anticipated.

Spencer's still sleeping last night off, but I need to get him up soon, since we're supposed to be meeting with Amanda for lunch, just to get "caught up" and talk with her and her sister.

Spencer and I did argue quite a bit last night after he came home from Kip's. My patience is so rice-paper thin that I'm really pushing back right now. It's not even just the drinking, or the quantity, but that he cannot leave me alone while he's doing it! He can stay in his own lil office and do whatever he wants to do, but no, he's gotta come in to the bedroom or living room--where ever I'm hanging out or trying to sleep-- and bug, complain, lecture, berate, argue...

I do love him, but...whew!

'Nuf complaining from me, too...just had to vent!
Here's hoping the next few days go terrifically!

Best,
Pym

Better Living Through Pharmaceuticals

Had a really good day at work today, getting a lot done; I'd say it was a record in accomplishing my set tasks, so I'm very happy with that!

Spencer has recovered from the weekend, and cooked quite a tasty dinner for us this afternoon. Earlier, I was able to talk to our psychologist/counselor, who gave us three options to look into for a rehab facility. I can't tell you how just having options opens a crack in the clouds. I don't expect miracles, but I believe in progress, and that's what keeps me going.

And love, of course: for my own lovable, screwed up Doctor House. Hey, Dr. H went crazy for a time, and had to check in someplace -- It happens to the best of us lol

That includes me, since I had to be hospitalized in a "retreat" hospital in the early 90s. "Retreat" was a nice way to say psych ward. But it was a have-to thing at the time, and when you need to do something that'll help you in the long run, or at least keep you from offing yourself in the meantime, you've got to do it.

I would say, however, that in my case, it was the bill from the "retreat" that knocked me back into reality, not so much the "treatment."

The craziest thing about our mental health system [this includes help for addiction] is not the people who are clients, but the system itself. We'd be a much more productive society if we had better access to doctors, facilities, treatments, and yes, pharmaceuticals.

"Better living through pharmaceuticals."

And that was tonight's soapbox :O)

'Night all,
~Pym

House Season Premiere

Just finished watching the season premiere of House!
We've been waiting all summer for this!

And...it was a lot like watching Spencer and me interact: we really do love each other, we have great sex together, and we both acknowledge that he's really screwed up. Also, I have my own "by-the-book" neuroses, like Cuddy, that probably drive Spencer crazy, too. [And, wow, do I wish I looked like her! lol]

It may be no coincidence that we are drawn to watch a television program that plays out some of the love/"hate" relationship we have with each other; the problems of a brilliant madman, and a strong but loving woman. In my case, I need to use my strength more to assert myself for the good of our relationship, and our health--both physical and mental.

Spencer and I spoke a little more after work today, about this past weekend. I said I was going to call our psychologist to see if he can help Spencer get into a residential rehab facility. [Supposedly so many beds are to be left available for those without insurance, but there's a long waiting list. Please send us positive thoughts on the effort.] Spencer said that if he can be admitted, he'll go.

That's what I needed to hear.

'Night all,
~Pym

Sunday After

I'm thankful that I've had a much better day today than yesterday:

Spencer's still on a binge, but we have hardly argued, and he's sleeping right now. We did talk some last night about separating due to the drinking, though I don't know if he'll remember it when he sobers up. It tears my heart out to think of us not living together, but I don't know if I can continue and keep what's left of my mental health that I have.

Spencer didn't mind that I went to see Cary for a while today, either. [However, he wanted a 12-pack, so "he wouldn't go over to Kip's for it."] It felt like the extortion it was but I agreed, because I just didn't want to argue, and was in a hurry.

The time with Cary was a wonderful "mini-vacation" for my body and mind, and Spencer was happy for me when I got home. He was also happy that I brought home dinner lol

Working on a terrible tooth- and headache right now, and will be crashing out soon. I think I hurt my farthest back, right side, tooth on hard pizza crust *rolls eyes at myself* and it's made worse with the constant stress-clenching of my jaw.

I'd like to wake up tomorrow to a clean slate of sorts, between Spencer and me, with some more discussion in the evening of the direction we need to take.

If we can at least keep communicating we may be alright. But the more resentment I feel, the more I want to close off, and that's a feeling I've got to fight if I think our relationship is worth it.

Havin' an early night,
~Pym

A Come-Apart

Yesterday was a terrific day.
Today sucks.

Not every minute of it, but most especially this afternoon, within the last hour.

I'm at such wit's end, I can only type in clipped sentences right now:

Spencer drank last night at Kip's, coming home after another argument.
Kip continually called his cell phone leaving verbal tirades on the voice mail.
Spencer wanted more beer at home since he left it all over at Kip's.
I acquiesced and gave him the debit card and told him he'd have to walk.
I had had a couple beers of my own and wasn't going to drive.
We didn't argue, we had a good evening, drinking and watching Monty Python.

Today, Spencer wanted to go hang out at his brother's house [with more beer].
I took him over there, and went to visit a friend's business open house, in order to give her some moral support.
I did a little shopping, calling Spencer when I was done, to see if he was ready to be picked up from his brother's [it'd been about 4 hours by then].
When I get there, he's not ready, making me wait; my temper already building.
We get home, he gets his drunken ass in the house.
My patience is wearing thin.
He starts digging in my shopping bags, throwing one onto the floor to make himself room on the couch.
That's when I completely fly off the handle. [I think in the South they call it "having a come-apart].
Then Spencer rails at me for flying off at him, and we're yelling, he's throwing groceries, and Baby has run to the other end of the house.
Spencer's hollering at me, calling me a moron.
I'm hollering back that, yes, I am a moron, for putting up with all this.
I was wishing I was dead.
I cried [tears are still coming], but we've calmed down, and even had a bite to eat.
Spencer was still hungry so I put a frozen pizza in for him, thinking if I can get him to eat, I can get him to sleep.
In fact I hear his snores coming from the living room couch right now.
I had to turn to my blog so I could get it off my chest.
I just don't know how I can do this forever.
My temper is short, I've lost my patience, I'm losing my sanity.

And there's still some groceries I can't find, after their flight.

~Pym

I'll Have Pepperoni -- Skip the Toddlers

After work today, Spencer and I had a nice meal at a local pizza buffet. It wasn't exactly a quiet meal, but it tasted good. However, the place was crawling with kids, and one toddler behind us gave out a couple primal howls that made us both cringe.

That's one reason [among others] that we probably couldn't be a poly "family" with kids and all...we're just not parent material. We wouldn't treat kids badly or anything, but we don't go out of our way to be around any, and for sure don't want to live with any! Four-legged furbabies are our speed.

Cary does have children, but I rarely interact with them, since they aren't aware of their parents' lifestyle. However, they seem to be great kids, and I know he puts them first in his life, which I love him even more for. I have on occasion daydreamed that if Spencer and I had to be apart for awhile to sort things out, I could live with Cary and his wife, be their girlfriend, and a helper with the kids. But then I think...naah...I couldn't do it lol I'm actually a little afraid of kids, and I'd probably end up like on that I Love Lucy episode, where Lucy babysat those terrible twins and they played cowboys and Indians and tied her to a chair!

Spencer and I have made the decision to be child-free by choice, and that's probably how we'd better stay.

'Night all,
~Pym