Sunday Sadness

I've got a sort of sadness this evening I can't seem to shake. I think I'm feeling a bit scared because Spencer is continuing his binge over at Kip's and I was hoping he'd come home today sober. Maybe scared isn't the right word--apprehensive?--but I'm missing him...and when he calls on the phone to check in he sounds so pitifully drunk and anything could happen to him. At least he's not driving. And they are just watching television. I suppose it could be worse.

I did three loads of laundry and should feel accomplished for that, but I don't. I paid one bill online and am worried how we're going to meet the rest. I feel guilty for having taken a nap, and have been eating all afternoon. I just want to shower and go back to bed. Sigh, I sound like such a wet blanket lol.

Sunday Blues I suppose. Growing up, I almost always got depressed on Sundays and often had headaches, in anticipation and worry about school the next day. I do love my job, so that's not the problem here; I look forward to going to work in the mornings. Hmm...I'll have to think of a new name for it...

The Too-Hot Sunday, I Ate Too Much and Think I'm Fat, and I Miss My Man Being Sober, and My Cat is Ignoring Me Blues.

:O)
~Pym

Funeral Today

Kip's Dad's funeral was today, and it wasn't as stressful as I'd anticipated. Kip can be immature in many ways, and doesn't get along with his older brother, so I expected some family disfunction and thankfully things seemed to go smoothly. It was a nice graveside service with not quite so much in-your-face Bible thumping we've experienced at others. Everyone roasted in the hot sun with some folks even getting sunburn. Spencer and another friend are staying with Kip tonight to keep him company.

I've been sipping on a Miller Chill and spending too much time on this computer, when I could be reading or playing with Baby. But I wasn't totally unproductive, as I sent Cary an email with a description of a daydream I had about us today, and a few pics added for good measure. ;O)

'Night all,
~Pym

Tomorrow is a Funeral

Tomorrow we go to Kip's Dad's funeral. I just hate going to funerals. And it's roasting, and it might storm. But the worst part is that someone has died.

I've always had an obsession with death, even as a little kid. I'd sit and think about death, and being dead for infinity, and then wig out, screaming. And I couldn't explain to anyone what my fear was.

It's not as bad as an adult, but lately the fear and obsession have been constantly hovering over my head. If I watch an old movie, all I can think of is that the actors are now dead. If I read a historical novel, all I can think of is that these people would be dead by now. I'm always worrying about family members and friends, and especially about anyone older, like my parents.

Death just seems so inevitable; not like when we were younger and, even though we knew of it and feared it, thought it would never touch us. We'd never die. Our loved ones would never die.

After having experienced my mother-in-law dying, and some work colleagues in past years, and even acquaintances my age or younger, it's just constantly staring me in the face. To the point that I'm not enjoying a lot of my activities.

Spending time with Spencer helps; he makes me laugh and makes me feel alive when we make love. And I'm so fortunate that he gives me the gift of time to spend with Cary. I'm really lucky in so many ways.

Obsessing like this is something I've got to keep working on, and I hope I can eventually shake off, so that I can live and love without worrying when it's all going to end.

I wonder if I'm the only one who thinks and worries the way I do...

~Pym

A Friend's Dad

Spencer's friend Kip lost his Dad this afternoon. I guess it was expected since Hospice had been called in, but nevertheless, Kip's going to need Spencer for moral support, and to be a pallbearer.

Spencer's staying with Kip tonight, which I think is helpful, but I hope they don't drown their sorrows too much in beer. I don't blame Kip for Spencer's drinking, but they started the drinking habit together twenty years ago, and neither one can say no to more drinks, so it does make me a bit nervous.

But since Spencer has shown improvement lately, I'll just have to trust he'll know now is not the time to overdo it.

It does give me an evening to read and have Baby the cat all to myself. :O)

Besides my thoughts being with Kip and his family, they're also with my friend Huxley. He's having a sort of crisis of conscience, in that an old girlfriend wants to meet him again and maybe rekindle old flames. The problem is that they are both married.

I'm not going to be judgmental, because I took those steps in my previous marriage, and cheated on my first husband. But I am worried about him getting hurt, and his wife getting hurt. I don't know the old girlfriend, and I'm afraid she's just trying to test whether she "still has it" at the expense of my friend, so I say she's on her own. It's him I care about.

Must dash -- my book and Baby await,
'Night,
~Pym

Monday

Lots of days have been really nice recently, and I had an especially wonderful day Monday!
In the morning I gave Spencer a bj before work, and I had a luxuriously long lunch with Cary!
Then a relaxing evening, home again with Spencer, reading in bed.
It was a day of simple, lovely pleasures!
~Pym

Looking for Advice

In a couple days I'm going to a conference [Spencer has to stay at home, dern it] but while I'm away I want to do some thinking on how I can set Spencer up on a date.

What do you think is the best approach, when one member of a poly couple is seeing someone fairly regularly, while the other partner is not, but the first partner would very much like for the second to find someone to date??

Sound confusing to anyone? Ring bells with anyone?

It may be a bit before I can check back in, but any advice from the poly community would be appreciated.

Regards,
~Pym and Spencer

The First Love, Part II

The day that Spencer and Judith had arranged to have their first sexual encounter, I'd arranged to go to the movies [I remember it was Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy] with a platonic guy friend of mine. He apparently didn't notice how nervous and shaky I was the whole time, thinking of what Spencer was doing at home.

I believe I was intellectually ready -- most of us in this lifestyle say we are -- but the actual leap from an academic discussion of poly to going the full step of caring penetration with another is just that, a leap -- of trust, and faith -- me trusting that Spencer won't go too far emotionally, and he trusting me that I won't in the end wig out.

Well, I didn't wig out, and though it was a difficult step, I was glad that Spencer and Judith had a good time together. It was a feeling of compersion for two people I genuinely cared about and loved.

The problem started with Spencer's growing love for Judith growing into an almost obsession with Judith. Wanting to know if I'd talked to her; she didn't write him back right away, is she off him or ignoring him? Is she talking to other guys? Calling her at her work when he should have been calling me at mine. Yes, after several months of this, I got jealous, and sometimes downright mad.

Spencer does have a habit of latching on to a relationship and nearly driving it into the ground; it's something he's working on now, but back then, I was sick of it. If I heard her name once more I was going to scream!

Eventually, because of conflicts brought on by Spencer's modus operandi, and because of other things on Judith's part, they did go separate ways. I had to say I was relieved, though there was the continual questioning of me if I'd talked to her or seen her and if she asked about Spencer.

Soon however, the tables were going to be turned after we met a couple through Swing Lifestyle, George and Hillary.

And did I ever fall for George.

~Pym