Dr. Jekyll

I really don't have any qualms in admitting that I'm an enabler, nor in emphasizing the goodness, the Dr. Jekyll side, of Spencer. He's hard enough on himself as it is, and me constantly criticizing doesn't help the deep self-esteem issues. I'm sure that's more of my enabling traits, but I find it hard to tear someone down when a) they're busy fighting demons that have tentacles longer than both our lives, and b) I love them.

Since Pym's Escape is my way to vent, I'm sure it's giving a more negative view of Spencer. I may have painted him as only Mr. Hyde, and there really is so much more to him. I could give a laundry list of all of his Jekyll qualities, his sense of humor, his sexiness, his solicitiousness, his intelligence and creativity. But as I was talking to Cary tonight about what I find with Spencer, the word that stood out was joy.

Even with all we endure as a couple, that is still what I feel every day with Spencer...most especially when he's sober for sure...but still, I feel it every day in some way.

Mr. Hyde may need a swift kick in the pants,
but as for Dr. Jekyll, he brings me joy.

--Pym

Moving Backward...

This is going to be pretty much a stream of consciousness post; I'm not going to worry about paragraphs or spelling. I've had such a horrible past two nights that I've just got to get it out or I'm going to scream! I don't even know what details to give but suffice it to say Spencer is truly driving me insane. I think I'm going to end up in a hospital, or I'm going to put him in a hospital: either a rehab one, or because I've beaned him with a blunt object! And I know when he reads this he's going to only see reasons that he should leave; or reasons to do himself in. He'll fail to see another option: GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER!
I think he's purposely trying to push me away; either so he can fulfill this self-destructive, self-fulfilling prophecy of "no one loves me or cares about me" or so I can be the ultimate bitch like his last live-in, fifteen years ago. He keeps saying, when he's drunk, you should leave me, you should divorce me. Maybe I should, but I'm not planning on it.
When he's sober and doing things such as going to our counselor, like just last Wednesday, there is always so much hope! But when he drinks, and then gets a Mr. Hyde personality like he has the last two nights, it's just a nightmare!
I don't know what makes the difference between the "good binges" [if they can really be called that] and these nightmare binges. He has such a self-destructive attitude. Friday night he was saying he didn't want to be here [life] anymore; that wait and he'll be gone. He punched the stove, slammed his fist on the counter, we argued, I cried, I tried to go to bed so he'd leave me alone, but he just follows me...talking...and talking...in my ear, practically smothering me while I'm lying there...sometimes saying scary things, sometimes mean things. I had to hold back from hitting him, which I've done in the past out of pure rage. I drank most of my 1/2 pint of brandy, to try to escape and keep calm; I took a 1/2 xanax. Finally he'd leave the room and I'd bawl my eyes out. Then he came back and finally fell asleep.
When he reads this he's, again, only going to see reasons he should leave or kill himself...I'm terrifying of him hurting himself... Or he's going to hold it against me that I've written all I've written. It'll make him look bad. He's said before [sober], I don't want to be that jerk that everyone points to and says, "there's that guy; he's a jerk; stay away from him" but yet his actions [drunk] push him into that category.
And I know this Mr. Hyde personality isn't really him; it's his terrors, and childhood traumas, and his fears coming out, like some kind of toxicity that seethes through his skin...but the real him is Dr. Jekyll, the loving, kind, smart, and funny person I married.
Gotta take a breath here.
I know I shouldn't be drinking either, and there's no excuse except my need of escape also. I want it so I can be calm and just fall asleep. I've had my own suicidal thoughts as well, and was tempted to down more than brandy, but I won't do that; I know how much a suicide in Spencer's family affected him, and I'd never do that to him or to my family.
That's something I just can't understand: he's so tormented by this suicide of a loved one, but he seems to think he can turn around and put me through that same torment and nightmare. How dare he even consider it? And I also can't fathom, knowing how much Spencer went through with an abusive alcoholic dad, how can it be okay to put me, and us, through it today? I know these are simplistic questions and the answers are multi-layered and oh-so-complex, but to just have him realize the irony would be a start.
Whew, I think I'm a bit spent now, but it feels so good to have gotten a lot off my chest!
I want to also add that Friday night, while I was bawling, I was saying inside, "I need a friend, I need a friend!" and after Spencer fell asleep and I got on the computer for a distraction, in the beautiful synchronicity of the Universe, I was message by a friend, Charlie--someone from my home state who I'd only just begun re-corresponding with in the last few months, a friend whom I love very much, and I thank him for listening to me and giving me some laughs and a lot of support.
Of course the next day, Spencer finds Charlie's cell phone number and asks me if I'm going to leave him. No, Baby, I am NOT planning on leaving you. If I ever do leave, it will not be for another person; it would be to regain my sanity and live by myself! I don't want to live with anyone else; I want to live with the man I married, but it's got to be a sane, productive, thriving existence; we've got the love mastered, how come we can't get the other stuff right?

Moving forward

Today was our second appointment together at the counselor, and I'm proud of how well Spencer is opening up and expressing himself, especially since the counselor is a guy. But he's a cool guy and seems to listen and make suggestions without harsh judgment, only helping hone perspectives.

Our Valentine's weekend was really nice; had a three-day weekend since Monday was Presidents' Day. Spencer and I spent Saturday together during the day, doing some of our favorite things: going thrift store shopping and eating out.

In the evening he went with Kip to a movie and I got to have a quick visit [and a quickie] with Cary. It could only be a quickie due to time constraints but it was hot! Hot to see him, be pounded by him, and lie on the bed together afterwards. We're both hoping we can find the opportunity to spend more than just minutes to hours together sometime in the near future, and I'm lobbying to get a room for a night, but that's a step he and his wife will have to decide upon together. It would be their first time sharing during an all-nighter, and I want them both to be comfortable with it if it happens.

At least that's what I tell myself. Truthfully, if he said he was going to tell her that he would be out of town a night for a convention, but got us a room instead...I'd still take it. Isn't that terrible? In my rationalization I'd say it's because I don't believe she tells Cary everything she does, and I think she's flat-out cheated on him in the past. And, yes, I did that to my first husband, but hypocritical or not, I don't think it's any worse for him to do so if she has already. Sigh, where are my principles? And I know Spencer would be disappointed in me if I did it. Hmmm, I need to think that one over a bit more...

Spencer has been missing Amanda quite a bit, and is trying to at least keep some email communications going with her. It's good for him to have someone to talk to who understands our lifestyle, but I'm not sure if it's healthy for them to pursue a romantic relationship again. As long as they can get along, I'll support them both; but I don't want to have to put back on the striped referee uniform. I look terrible in stripes.

First Experiences, Part II

As a foreword to this post, I'd like to report that Spencer and I had a great week; he went all during the work week without drinking, and we've had a lot of fun, and today some hot sex, while Cary watched on cam...'couldn't ask for more except maybe for Cary to be with us...and it was topped off with a trip to our favorite Mexican restaurant. Now that's a beautiful day!

Returning to the topic of some of our first experiences: after all our discussions about what we might like to try, we decided to attend our first swingers' "social" just to check things out.

Spencer had joined some online groups and contacted a husband and wife who hosted regular socials in a nearby town. After a few emails back and forth in which they cleared us to attend, we were give the time and place for the event. Yes, even swingers have a vetting process.

It was probably obvious that it was our first time, and we both felt like green newbies, being pretty much looked over like fresh meat by a lot of the attendees. However we were warmly welcomed by an older couple and sat with them for most of the evening.

I could tell this Mrs. would have liked to have bonked Spencer right away, and for the age difference, she was kinda' on the hot side, but we just weren't ready. In total truth, besides the younger couple we met later, she was probably one of the hotter/classier women there -- I'm afraid most of the other women, barring just a few, were quite overweight and not the most attractive, and the same goes for many of the men.

I'm sure it sounds judgmental, but when it comes to having sex, or making love, there needs to be some physcial attraction. We're not model quality but when someone has "let themselves go" it shows.

We were introduced to a couple younger than us, the wife of the couple being bi and really attractive and nicely plump. I danced with her, which was cool, especially knowing lots of eyes were on us.

This social took place at a hotel and we were invited back to the room of the younger couple, though we still weren't ready for anything physical. We all four talked for awhile, Spencer giving her a neck massage, and her husband giving me one. Before leaving I kissed her on the mouth, and also her husband, and then Spencer kissed her. So far all had gone smoothly, with no pressure on either of us and no real jealousies to speak of...until Spencer kissed her on the forehead.

For some reason this bothered me more than a full-on mouth kiss, I think because it was a tender gesture, and I believed that it should be reserved only for me.

I think we didn't talk too much on the way home but when we finally crawled into bed, I cried, and Spencer held me, and I admitted that this kiss really bothered and hurt me.

We were both a little surprised that such an innocent action could elicit as strong a response from me as it did, but we talked it out, beginning our journey down a road of "alternative" experiences and a deepening relationship.