Tomorrow is a Funeral

Tomorrow we go to Kip's Dad's funeral. I just hate going to funerals. And it's roasting, and it might storm. But the worst part is that someone has died.

I've always had an obsession with death, even as a little kid. I'd sit and think about death, and being dead for infinity, and then wig out, screaming. And I couldn't explain to anyone what my fear was.

It's not as bad as an adult, but lately the fear and obsession have been constantly hovering over my head. If I watch an old movie, all I can think of is that the actors are now dead. If I read a historical novel, all I can think of is that these people would be dead by now. I'm always worrying about family members and friends, and especially about anyone older, like my parents.

Death just seems so inevitable; not like when we were younger and, even though we knew of it and feared it, thought it would never touch us. We'd never die. Our loved ones would never die.

After having experienced my mother-in-law dying, and some work colleagues in past years, and even acquaintances my age or younger, it's just constantly staring me in the face. To the point that I'm not enjoying a lot of my activities.

Spending time with Spencer helps; he makes me laugh and makes me feel alive when we make love. And I'm so fortunate that he gives me the gift of time to spend with Cary. I'm really lucky in so many ways.

Obsessing like this is something I've got to keep working on, and I hope I can eventually shake off, so that I can live and love without worrying when it's all going to end.

I wonder if I'm the only one who thinks and worries the way I do...

~Pym

A Friend's Dad

Spencer's friend Kip lost his Dad this afternoon. I guess it was expected since Hospice had been called in, but nevertheless, Kip's going to need Spencer for moral support, and to be a pallbearer.

Spencer's staying with Kip tonight, which I think is helpful, but I hope they don't drown their sorrows too much in beer. I don't blame Kip for Spencer's drinking, but they started the drinking habit together twenty years ago, and neither one can say no to more drinks, so it does make me a bit nervous.

But since Spencer has shown improvement lately, I'll just have to trust he'll know now is not the time to overdo it.

It does give me an evening to read and have Baby the cat all to myself. :O)

Besides my thoughts being with Kip and his family, they're also with my friend Huxley. He's having a sort of crisis of conscience, in that an old girlfriend wants to meet him again and maybe rekindle old flames. The problem is that they are both married.

I'm not going to be judgmental, because I took those steps in my previous marriage, and cheated on my first husband. But I am worried about him getting hurt, and his wife getting hurt. I don't know the old girlfriend, and I'm afraid she's just trying to test whether she "still has it" at the expense of my friend, so I say she's on her own. It's him I care about.

Must dash -- my book and Baby await,
'Night,
~Pym

Monday

Lots of days have been really nice recently, and I had an especially wonderful day Monday!
In the morning I gave Spencer a bj before work, and I had a luxuriously long lunch with Cary!
Then a relaxing evening, home again with Spencer, reading in bed.
It was a day of simple, lovely pleasures!
~Pym

Looking for Advice

In a couple days I'm going to a conference [Spencer has to stay at home, dern it] but while I'm away I want to do some thinking on how I can set Spencer up on a date.

What do you think is the best approach, when one member of a poly couple is seeing someone fairly regularly, while the other partner is not, but the first partner would very much like for the second to find someone to date??

Sound confusing to anyone? Ring bells with anyone?

It may be a bit before I can check back in, but any advice from the poly community would be appreciated.

Regards,
~Pym and Spencer

The First Love, Part II

The day that Spencer and Judith had arranged to have their first sexual encounter, I'd arranged to go to the movies [I remember it was Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy] with a platonic guy friend of mine. He apparently didn't notice how nervous and shaky I was the whole time, thinking of what Spencer was doing at home.

I believe I was intellectually ready -- most of us in this lifestyle say we are -- but the actual leap from an academic discussion of poly to going the full step of caring penetration with another is just that, a leap -- of trust, and faith -- me trusting that Spencer won't go too far emotionally, and he trusting me that I won't in the end wig out.

Well, I didn't wig out, and though it was a difficult step, I was glad that Spencer and Judith had a good time together. It was a feeling of compersion for two people I genuinely cared about and loved.

The problem started with Spencer's growing love for Judith growing into an almost obsession with Judith. Wanting to know if I'd talked to her; she didn't write him back right away, is she off him or ignoring him? Is she talking to other guys? Calling her at her work when he should have been calling me at mine. Yes, after several months of this, I got jealous, and sometimes downright mad.

Spencer does have a habit of latching on to a relationship and nearly driving it into the ground; it's something he's working on now, but back then, I was sick of it. If I heard her name once more I was going to scream!

Eventually, because of conflicts brought on by Spencer's modus operandi, and because of other things on Judith's part, they did go separate ways. I had to say I was relieved, though there was the continual questioning of me if I'd talked to her or seen her and if she asked about Spencer.

Soon however, the tables were going to be turned after we met a couple through Swing Lifestyle, George and Hillary.

And did I ever fall for George.

~Pym

Limericks Just For Fun

I haven't forgotten to write a Part II to "The First Love", but also haven't had the energy to sit down and write it, though I apparently had time and energy to write and trade a few limericks with Huxley.

Huxley by the way, is a geeky-sexy cartoonist, and I mean geeky in the best possible way...as in, he's the smartest and funniest of guys, and a gentleman, but cute as all get-out and you just know when he gets rolling, he's gotta be hot as hell in bed lol...should I coin the word geexy in honor of him? Yes, I think I will: this is for you Huxley, geexy adorable you! ;O)

He started the limerick challenge. [Serena is my pseudonym for this one]:

A blogger by the name of Serena,
Found books were her favorite arena,
But this giggly blonde
Was quite fond of her Wand*
Which made her squeal like a laughing hyena.

[*Referring to my favorite of appliances, the Hitachi Magic Wand.]

So I asked him to do one for me as Pym, and I wrote this as an example:

There once was a blogger named Pym,
Who wished she was ever-more trim,
But when she giggled and jiggled her ass-not-so-trim,
Out of Huxley she'd get a sweet grin.

His reply:

Huxley said, "What's the matter Ms. Pym?
Your expression is awfully grim."
Pym wiggled her booty,
"'Tis a giggly beauty,
Thus it's my duty to go to the gym."

[Here I laughed and clutched my stomach, picturing myself at the gym. Ha! But then again, that's why my ass is a "giggly" beaut.]

My reply, using another nickname,

There once was a cartoonist named Hex,
Who wouldn't be caught dead in Spandex,
But his cock was so wide,
He threw frugality aside,
And bought it its own diamond Rolex.

And I also wrote one for Spencer [here I'll call him Stan]:

There once was a lover named Stan,
Whose uncut cock's length was a span,
His wife, yes she'd suck it,
But swallow? She'd duck it.
"That's such a big load, Mr. Man!"

Yes, I did write one for Cary using his real name and occupation, but I couldn't think of a pseudonym that would keep the rhyme. So here's one I made up just now:

There once was a hotty named Cary,
Whose disposition was always quite merry,
He'd hold me tight,
And hit it just right,
Making me pleased oh so very.

That's all the brain power I can spare for the night; hope we made someone laugh; feel free to share a dirty limerick of your own; it's great mental exercise, and can be kinda' hot ;O)

~Pym

The First Love, Part I

After writing about our initial breaking-in experience with Sydney, I had to have Spencer jog my memory of what came next [it has been a few years]. It seems that because of how the situation made me feel, we didn't attempt much active searching for "adult" friends for awhile.

In the meantime he kept up our online accounts like Adult Friend Finder and Swing Lifestyle [mentions are not to be construed as an endorsement ;O) ] and we continued to discuss what it is we wanted out of an open relationship.

I think still at that point we hadn't hit upon the word polyamory, or we'd only just begun to learn about it. We did think we knew what we didn't want and that was shallow, anonymous sex; we wanted to at least care for and have a friendship with someone if we were going to have sex with them. However we didn't yet discuss how we'd deal with it if one of us actually fell in love with another person.

Until it happened.

Spencer had at that time caught back up with a friend, Judith--now married--from his old high school. I became close to her, too, and she became pretty much a best girlfriend to me. She and Spencer felt comfortable flirting and with time she seemed more and more open to it, especially via email. She also began relaying to Spencer how "un-sexual" her marriage was, and some of the downright nasty things her husband was saying to her about her body. In time, she and Spencer grew closer, and they decided to move on sexually.

Now, I do say that I/we don't want to help spouses cheat, but hearing about the almost verbally-abusive situation she was in [at least hearing it from her side], and counting on them knowing the risks involved, I gave my blessing to them.

And even though Spencer and I talked things out beforehand [though not she and I, which in hindsight may have helped me], and intellectually I was ready, letting the two of them have sex was one of the most difficult things I'd ever done.

~Pym