Kip

Okay, I can see that Kip is going to drive me nuts. I think he's already getting on Spencer's nerves, and they're the ones who are friends.

I realize he just lost his Dad, who he's lived with for years and helped take care of in the last days, but Kip seems to not be able to do anything on his own. He's forty-something, has no job right now, divorced a couple times, and basically driven off any other friends but Spencer and one other childhood friend.

If he gets a bank statement, he calls Spencer. If the bank calls, he calls Spencer. He looks for work, Spencer needs to help him with his application. And just about any other excuse to call Spencer over, because he can't stand to be alone. Then when they do get together, they drink. And drink a lot. All this calling for help has put Spencer in a cranky mood, too. It's something they'll have to work out without me. And Kip is going to have to learn to grow up -- fast.

On another note, I want to spend some personal time with Spencer, but it hasn't seemed to work out lately. The one evening he asked for a bj I couldn't do it [we had a buffet shortly before, and I couldn't move lol] and last night we were hot and tired and a bit cranky from the day, so we both just read in bed. I really want us to treat ourselves to "us" time, with no worries about anyone or anything else.

It'll have to be tonight, because he's already got plans with Kip tomorrow evening.

~Pym

Monday

Well, Spencer came home this morning...and left again a short time ago.
Back to Kip's, to watch wrestling [yuk] and drink beer--again. I'm not surprised, and I shouldn't be miffed; it's all par for the course, really. Something I might as well be resigned to. It often feels more like I'm in charge of a teenaged son than have a spouse/partner. We ate dinner together this evening, and watched one hour of a historical drama, but I didn't get to tell him about my day, or yesterday, or...whatever I'd wanted to talk about. Kip calls, "I need to talk to you about something" [yeah, while watching wrestling and downing beers] and off he goes. Harumph, I say, harumph.

I want my own night out, either with Cary, or with a girlfriend. I had promised a great friend at work that I'd treat us both to margaritas if her hubby would drive us to the Mexican restaurant. Gotta save my pennies, but I'm going to do it!

Ole!
~Pym

Sunday Sadness

I've got a sort of sadness this evening I can't seem to shake. I think I'm feeling a bit scared because Spencer is continuing his binge over at Kip's and I was hoping he'd come home today sober. Maybe scared isn't the right word--apprehensive?--but I'm missing him...and when he calls on the phone to check in he sounds so pitifully drunk and anything could happen to him. At least he's not driving. And they are just watching television. I suppose it could be worse.

I did three loads of laundry and should feel accomplished for that, but I don't. I paid one bill online and am worried how we're going to meet the rest. I feel guilty for having taken a nap, and have been eating all afternoon. I just want to shower and go back to bed. Sigh, I sound like such a wet blanket lol.

Sunday Blues I suppose. Growing up, I almost always got depressed on Sundays and often had headaches, in anticipation and worry about school the next day. I do love my job, so that's not the problem here; I look forward to going to work in the mornings. Hmm...I'll have to think of a new name for it...

The Too-Hot Sunday, I Ate Too Much and Think I'm Fat, and I Miss My Man Being Sober, and My Cat is Ignoring Me Blues.

:O)
~Pym

Funeral Today

Kip's Dad's funeral was today, and it wasn't as stressful as I'd anticipated. Kip can be immature in many ways, and doesn't get along with his older brother, so I expected some family disfunction and thankfully things seemed to go smoothly. It was a nice graveside service with not quite so much in-your-face Bible thumping we've experienced at others. Everyone roasted in the hot sun with some folks even getting sunburn. Spencer and another friend are staying with Kip tonight to keep him company.

I've been sipping on a Miller Chill and spending too much time on this computer, when I could be reading or playing with Baby. But I wasn't totally unproductive, as I sent Cary an email with a description of a daydream I had about us today, and a few pics added for good measure. ;O)

'Night all,
~Pym

Tomorrow is a Funeral

Tomorrow we go to Kip's Dad's funeral. I just hate going to funerals. And it's roasting, and it might storm. But the worst part is that someone has died.

I've always had an obsession with death, even as a little kid. I'd sit and think about death, and being dead for infinity, and then wig out, screaming. And I couldn't explain to anyone what my fear was.

It's not as bad as an adult, but lately the fear and obsession have been constantly hovering over my head. If I watch an old movie, all I can think of is that the actors are now dead. If I read a historical novel, all I can think of is that these people would be dead by now. I'm always worrying about family members and friends, and especially about anyone older, like my parents.

Death just seems so inevitable; not like when we were younger and, even though we knew of it and feared it, thought it would never touch us. We'd never die. Our loved ones would never die.

After having experienced my mother-in-law dying, and some work colleagues in past years, and even acquaintances my age or younger, it's just constantly staring me in the face. To the point that I'm not enjoying a lot of my activities.

Spending time with Spencer helps; he makes me laugh and makes me feel alive when we make love. And I'm so fortunate that he gives me the gift of time to spend with Cary. I'm really lucky in so many ways.

Obsessing like this is something I've got to keep working on, and I hope I can eventually shake off, so that I can live and love without worrying when it's all going to end.

I wonder if I'm the only one who thinks and worries the way I do...

~Pym

A Friend's Dad

Spencer's friend Kip lost his Dad this afternoon. I guess it was expected since Hospice had been called in, but nevertheless, Kip's going to need Spencer for moral support, and to be a pallbearer.

Spencer's staying with Kip tonight, which I think is helpful, but I hope they don't drown their sorrows too much in beer. I don't blame Kip for Spencer's drinking, but they started the drinking habit together twenty years ago, and neither one can say no to more drinks, so it does make me a bit nervous.

But since Spencer has shown improvement lately, I'll just have to trust he'll know now is not the time to overdo it.

It does give me an evening to read and have Baby the cat all to myself. :O)

Besides my thoughts being with Kip and his family, they're also with my friend Huxley. He's having a sort of crisis of conscience, in that an old girlfriend wants to meet him again and maybe rekindle old flames. The problem is that they are both married.

I'm not going to be judgmental, because I took those steps in my previous marriage, and cheated on my first husband. But I am worried about him getting hurt, and his wife getting hurt. I don't know the old girlfriend, and I'm afraid she's just trying to test whether she "still has it" at the expense of my friend, so I say she's on her own. It's him I care about.

Must dash -- my book and Baby await,
'Night,
~Pym

Monday

Lots of days have been really nice recently, and I had an especially wonderful day Monday!
In the morning I gave Spencer a bj before work, and I had a luxuriously long lunch with Cary!
Then a relaxing evening, home again with Spencer, reading in bed.
It was a day of simple, lovely pleasures!
~Pym