Tearful Night

Last night I had a hard night, though I can't put my finger on exactly why. Spencer had to comfort me while I slowly cried and couldn't explain the sadness. I do take Paxil for ocd symptoms and some depression, but I'd missed a couple doses while waiting to pick up my refill and that may have contributed some.

I also feel a bit rejected that I haven't heard from Cary in almost a week. Granted, his last text five days ago said "I love you" but I admit I need more communication. Spencer said Cary is dealing with a lot since his wife had recently asked him for a divorce, and I do know that, but I want to help him through it if I can, and I feel like I can't reach out to him.

It's also very possible that he's having to reign in texts/emails/chats so that nothing can be held against him in a divorce proceeding, but I would understand that, too, if he'd just let me know.

Anyhow, that's my confused perspective at the moment.

I was really thinking last night that when this relationship with Cary runs its course, I don't want to date anyone for awhile. I won't keep Spencer from seeking anyone else out, but I'm just emotionally tired.

It hurts too much.

Quick Update

My overtime project is done -- yay! -- and a lot things have happened since I've last been able to post. The two main things: Spencer's rehab didn't fly...for various reasons; and Cary's wife has asked him for a divorce.

I'll try to fill in the details a little more later, but those are the biggies.

Missed everyone!
~Pym

Busy Busy Week

It's Saturday and I'm still working, and probably will be through the weekend, but it's been great to be busy! A bunch of us did stop for awhile yesterday, and attended Seth's memorial service. It's so hard to believe he's gone and not coming back, but the service was filled with remembrances and not too sad. There was even some humor, which was fitting, because Seth was always with a smile and laugh.

Spencer has been feeling positive results from his chiropractic appointments, which makes him less cranky from being in pain all the time, and hence, much easier to live with lol. And he wants to try some herbal supplements for pain such as devil's claw, if we can get our hands on it.

Yesterday I got to see Cary for some spontaneous afternoon delight, and I carried the wonderful feeling with me the rest of the day.

Spencer might meet a woman next week that he's been friends with on facebook for quite awhile. He really does need another positive relationship to give him a boost, especially now that he'll be starting the rehab program. The more support the better!

Must dash; so much to do!
Hope all is well in your world,
~Pym

Checking In

Working these extra hours has me away from my home computer alot, but we're still kicking!

Spencer had his rehab assessment yesterday, which seemed to go well, and he's scheduled to sit down with a counselor next week and draw up a treatment plan. Then he'll have about 3 months of intensive outpatient treatment.

Taking it one appointment at a time, but it feels good to have tools to deal with our situation!

Hope all is well in your world,
~Pym

Lost a Friend

I found out yesterday that I lost my friend, Seth, who I knew through work. He was an older gentleman, but the last time I saw him he was looking great. This is quite a shock to all, and I've been bumming quite a bit and spent most of the day yesterday thinking of him, and how I can't believe it. We don't even know yet how he died, or when will be the funeral.

He made a point to talk to me whenever he came into the building, and he always kissed me on the cheek. He was a gentleman, but I always thought he was just a bit smitten with me. This isn't ego talking, since Spencer got the same vibe when we'd run into him. I was quite flattered, actually. :O)

Spencer liked him, too, since they had some interests in common. I'd recently encouraged each of them to talk more to one other because of this. So sad that they didn't have a chance to really get together other than on facebook.

This happened so fast, that it makes me want to tell those around me that I love them, early and often. Please take every chance you get to do the same.

Hugs,
~Pym

Sleepy

Wow, I can't believe it's already Thursday night--last I knew I was wallowing in a hotel king-size bed this past Sunday :O)

'Putting in some "overtime" hours for an extra project through work, so have been going between work and home, work and home, with some eating and sleeping in between. Thankfully I've had lots of assistance from Spencer [especially with keeping the house in order] or things would never get done around here!

So, taking my sleepy butt to bed with Spencer and Baby;
'Hope everyone else is also having a productive week, and that your sleep is the sleep of satisfying exhaustion,
'Night,
~Pym

One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest

Today I just got back from a Girl Night Out at a local hotel, and I must say: IT WAS HEAVENLY!

Precipitating my one-night departure were a couple things: Spencer was on his fourth night of binge-drinking, one of which had us in an awful row, and I needed to get away before we rolled back in to another argument; I'd gotten a bit of a bonus from work and wanted to splurge a little on me; I'd recently had a minor outpatient medical procedure but hadn't gotten much rest to recover; and it might provide an opportunity to see Cary in luxurious surroundings [it did *grinning wickedly*].

Spencer was quite obliging to my needs, saying it was probably a good idea. [He's going to his alcohol rehab assessment in a week and a half, and said these past four nights were his "last hurrah" and that I should have my own good time, agreeing I should invite Cary. He's also experiencing some major pain from--we think--sciatica, and he'll be going to a chiropractor next week, but it makes him waaay cranky and difficult to be around; even he says so lol].

So, it was time to take off for an afternoon of relaxation: I grabbed a couple books, loaded up on snacks [Oreos, nuts, jalapeno chips, a caramel apple, bottle of wine] and checked in. I'd been keeping in contact with Cary since I'd gotten the idea to get a room, and he thought he'd be able to come meet me.

Shortly after I checked in and took a quick shower, he got to come over; and we had a wonderful time! We pretty much exhausted ourselves with one thing and another *wink* and then wallowed on the king size bed afterwards, having conversation and even nodding off together.

Cary's been under some stresses of his own and needed attention and pampering, too, so I was honored to be able to share my excursion with him. I'd have done the Girl Night Out thing regardless if he could have made it or not, but him coming [insert double entendre here] was a super bonus! I also gave him the extra room key in case he could come back later, but alas, it was not to be.

However, I did my own wallowing on the bed, watching cable [we don't subscribe to it at home--we're too cheap lol], eating, sipping some wine, and reading. Oh, and showering! That was one of the best showers I've ever experienced in a hotel room, and the soap scent was out-of-this-world! I took 5, count 'em FIVE, showers over a 21-hour period! It all may sound a bit excessive and wasteful, but I considered this "time out" as an investment in my mental health! Heck, if I'd been hospitalized for a week [I was heading in that direction], think of all the resources that would consume. That's how I look at it anyway ;O)

And I'll do it again the next time I'm able; I'm signed up at the hotel reservation web site for "Tenth Night is Free" and I'll be signing up for the individual hotel's rewards program--I'm gonna milk this getaway option for all it's worth: and it's worth more than I can say.

One other thing I wanted to mention was the interesting dream I had while there: I dreamt that Spencer and I joined a "pod" of polyamorous couples and their children. It truly gave me a warm feeling of acceptance and love from everybody, especially the other women. But in another way, it also seemed to narrow down what I think I want from a polyamorous relationship [weird how these things happen in your sleep; and as an aside, I think I had this dream because I kept seeing commercials for Sister Wives on TLC, which I haven't been able to watch yet, and--here's the kicker--I watched part of a documentary on the Manson Family! It was a big yikes, but it also seemed that if Manson hadn't been bat-shit crazy, or if the others on the ranch {supposedly there were a dozen adults and several children all residing there} had ridden him out on a rail, living with a group of people communally could be an idyllic and beautiful way to live...but, I digress]. Even though it was a satisfying experience in the dream to be pod-joined, and Spencer and I would both have other partners, my dream-self decided that I really wanted to be Spencer's primary. I didn't want other women [or other men in my case] to be on the same level of commitment as we were to each other.

I guess in other words, it was fine to be in love with others, but I still wanted us to be each others' number one and "special" mate. We could even live with another couple and exchange partners, but they would be one-anothers' primary mates and the same for us.

Have I gone and made this totally confusing? Am I over-analyzing? Does this make sense to others of you in polyamorous lifestyles? In your opinion does the framework I've described still meet your definition of polyamory?

I'd love to hear any comments or discussion!
Thanks for taking time to read what I think is my longest-post-ever lol

~Pym

TGWTDT Quickie

Quickie post this morning...things are going smoothly here lately, and Fall seems to have arrived -- yay! It's my favorite time of year!

Wanted to mention that over the weekend I viewed the Swedish film The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo -- and it was a rocking thriller, so well-acted, that I think it must be pure arrogance on Hollywood's part to think it needs to be remade here. I can't wait for the next film, which I believe is being worked on: The Girl Who Played With Fire. [The third should be The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest; all are based on author Stieg Larsson's set of thriller novels.]

http://www.musicboxfilms.com/the-girl-with-the-dragon-tattoo

If you get a chance, I highly recommend seeing it!
Enjoy!

Must dash,
~Pym

Hot Tub Time Machine

'Forgot to mention something very good from yesterday: Spencer got his appointment confirmation letter from our community's substance abuse rehabilitation center, for the 2nd week of October. It's an initial assessment of his situation and they'll then decide whether he can go for intensive outpatient or will need inpatient rehab.

Wheels are rolling -- YEAH!

My first day off yesterday was fun, us having lunch and conversation with Amanda and her sister. They really are such cool people! ;O)

Let's see, then we ran a few errands, stopped for a visit at another friend's place, and came home and--limiting ourselves both on alcohol [Spencer stuck to his promise of only a six-pack, and I had a couple glasses of wine]--watched Hot Tub Time Machine...OMG, it was hilarious! Spencer related quite a bit to the character of Lou [the anything-goes alcoholic] and I really liked the geeky 20-year-old nephew! He was adorable and a hoot! The fashions made me cringe, too, especially knowing that I wore that stuff, big hair and all! Yuk!

Today I cleaned the living room, Spencer did dishes, and we went out to lunch and took one lap around the mall for exercise. However it was so crowded, mostly with teenagers, that we ditched our second lap and came home and took a nap lol

This evening I took Spencer over to Kip's, and I came back home, fixed guacamole, and will have some wine, snacks and a movie.

Baby has been either itching or sleeping all day lol Poor thing, we're waiting for his Capstar order to arrive so we can tackle some of his fleas.

I heard from Huxley earlier today, and am hoping to touch base with Cary.

It's been a nice day: relaxing, no fussing, good food, nap, and company.
And I'm very thankful.

~Pym

First Day of Vacation

'Morning of my first off-day for a few days of vacation, yeah!
I'm hoping it's as relaxing as I'd anticipated.

Spencer's still sleeping last night off, but I need to get him up soon, since we're supposed to be meeting with Amanda for lunch, just to get "caught up" and talk with her and her sister.

Spencer and I did argue quite a bit last night after he came home from Kip's. My patience is so rice-paper thin that I'm really pushing back right now. It's not even just the drinking, or the quantity, but that he cannot leave me alone while he's doing it! He can stay in his own lil office and do whatever he wants to do, but no, he's gotta come in to the bedroom or living room--where ever I'm hanging out or trying to sleep-- and bug, complain, lecture, berate, argue...

I do love him, but...whew!

'Nuf complaining from me, too...just had to vent!
Here's hoping the next few days go terrifically!

Best,
Pym

Better Living Through Pharmaceuticals

Had a really good day at work today, getting a lot done; I'd say it was a record in accomplishing my set tasks, so I'm very happy with that!

Spencer has recovered from the weekend, and cooked quite a tasty dinner for us this afternoon. Earlier, I was able to talk to our psychologist/counselor, who gave us three options to look into for a rehab facility. I can't tell you how just having options opens a crack in the clouds. I don't expect miracles, but I believe in progress, and that's what keeps me going.

And love, of course: for my own lovable, screwed up Doctor House. Hey, Dr. H went crazy for a time, and had to check in someplace -- It happens to the best of us lol

That includes me, since I had to be hospitalized in a "retreat" hospital in the early 90s. "Retreat" was a nice way to say psych ward. But it was a have-to thing at the time, and when you need to do something that'll help you in the long run, or at least keep you from offing yourself in the meantime, you've got to do it.

I would say, however, that in my case, it was the bill from the "retreat" that knocked me back into reality, not so much the "treatment."

The craziest thing about our mental health system [this includes help for addiction] is not the people who are clients, but the system itself. We'd be a much more productive society if we had better access to doctors, facilities, treatments, and yes, pharmaceuticals.

"Better living through pharmaceuticals."

And that was tonight's soapbox :O)

'Night all,
~Pym

House Season Premiere

Just finished watching the season premiere of House!
We've been waiting all summer for this!

And...it was a lot like watching Spencer and me interact: we really do love each other, we have great sex together, and we both acknowledge that he's really screwed up. Also, I have my own "by-the-book" neuroses, like Cuddy, that probably drive Spencer crazy, too. [And, wow, do I wish I looked like her! lol]

It may be no coincidence that we are drawn to watch a television program that plays out some of the love/"hate" relationship we have with each other; the problems of a brilliant madman, and a strong but loving woman. In my case, I need to use my strength more to assert myself for the good of our relationship, and our health--both physical and mental.

Spencer and I spoke a little more after work today, about this past weekend. I said I was going to call our psychologist to see if he can help Spencer get into a residential rehab facility. [Supposedly so many beds are to be left available for those without insurance, but there's a long waiting list. Please send us positive thoughts on the effort.] Spencer said that if he can be admitted, he'll go.

That's what I needed to hear.

'Night all,
~Pym

Sunday After

I'm thankful that I've had a much better day today than yesterday:

Spencer's still on a binge, but we have hardly argued, and he's sleeping right now. We did talk some last night about separating due to the drinking, though I don't know if he'll remember it when he sobers up. It tears my heart out to think of us not living together, but I don't know if I can continue and keep what's left of my mental health that I have.

Spencer didn't mind that I went to see Cary for a while today, either. [However, he wanted a 12-pack, so "he wouldn't go over to Kip's for it."] It felt like the extortion it was but I agreed, because I just didn't want to argue, and was in a hurry.

The time with Cary was a wonderful "mini-vacation" for my body and mind, and Spencer was happy for me when I got home. He was also happy that I brought home dinner lol

Working on a terrible tooth- and headache right now, and will be crashing out soon. I think I hurt my farthest back, right side, tooth on hard pizza crust *rolls eyes at myself* and it's made worse with the constant stress-clenching of my jaw.

I'd like to wake up tomorrow to a clean slate of sorts, between Spencer and me, with some more discussion in the evening of the direction we need to take.

If we can at least keep communicating we may be alright. But the more resentment I feel, the more I want to close off, and that's a feeling I've got to fight if I think our relationship is worth it.

Havin' an early night,
~Pym

A Come-Apart

Yesterday was a terrific day.
Today sucks.

Not every minute of it, but most especially this afternoon, within the last hour.

I'm at such wit's end, I can only type in clipped sentences right now:

Spencer drank last night at Kip's, coming home after another argument.
Kip continually called his cell phone leaving verbal tirades on the voice mail.
Spencer wanted more beer at home since he left it all over at Kip's.
I acquiesced and gave him the debit card and told him he'd have to walk.
I had had a couple beers of my own and wasn't going to drive.
We didn't argue, we had a good evening, drinking and watching Monty Python.

Today, Spencer wanted to go hang out at his brother's house [with more beer].
I took him over there, and went to visit a friend's business open house, in order to give her some moral support.
I did a little shopping, calling Spencer when I was done, to see if he was ready to be picked up from his brother's [it'd been about 4 hours by then].
When I get there, he's not ready, making me wait; my temper already building.
We get home, he gets his drunken ass in the house.
My patience is wearing thin.
He starts digging in my shopping bags, throwing one onto the floor to make himself room on the couch.
That's when I completely fly off the handle. [I think in the South they call it "having a come-apart].
Then Spencer rails at me for flying off at him, and we're yelling, he's throwing groceries, and Baby has run to the other end of the house.
Spencer's hollering at me, calling me a moron.
I'm hollering back that, yes, I am a moron, for putting up with all this.
I was wishing I was dead.
I cried [tears are still coming], but we've calmed down, and even had a bite to eat.
Spencer was still hungry so I put a frozen pizza in for him, thinking if I can get him to eat, I can get him to sleep.
In fact I hear his snores coming from the living room couch right now.
I had to turn to my blog so I could get it off my chest.
I just don't know how I can do this forever.
My temper is short, I've lost my patience, I'm losing my sanity.

And there's still some groceries I can't find, after their flight.

~Pym

I'll Have Pepperoni -- Skip the Toddlers

After work today, Spencer and I had a nice meal at a local pizza buffet. It wasn't exactly a quiet meal, but it tasted good. However, the place was crawling with kids, and one toddler behind us gave out a couple primal howls that made us both cringe.

That's one reason [among others] that we probably couldn't be a poly "family" with kids and all...we're just not parent material. We wouldn't treat kids badly or anything, but we don't go out of our way to be around any, and for sure don't want to live with any! Four-legged furbabies are our speed.

Cary does have children, but I rarely interact with them, since they aren't aware of their parents' lifestyle. However, they seem to be great kids, and I know he puts them first in his life, which I love him even more for. I have on occasion daydreamed that if Spencer and I had to be apart for awhile to sort things out, I could live with Cary and his wife, be their girlfriend, and a helper with the kids. But then I think...naah...I couldn't do it lol I'm actually a little afraid of kids, and I'd probably end up like on that I Love Lucy episode, where Lucy babysat those terrible twins and they played cowboys and Indians and tied her to a chair!

Spencer and I have made the decision to be child-free by choice, and that's probably how we'd better stay.

'Night all,
~Pym

Comic Relief

So we're sittin' in our underwear on the living room couch, watching the new Clash of the Titans on DVD, and some church people knock on the partially-open front door, to invite us to attend some time!

I don't think the dude knocking saw me, but I covered my boobs and ran to the hallway, Baby running ahead of me.

Spencer said the guy might really want me to attend their church now lol

OMG, we had a great laugh outta' that one!

'Night,
~Pym

Taze Me Bro

It's been almost 48 hours since Spencer began this weekend's binge, starting Friday evening, continuing through this morning--with a break of crashing out in snores on the couch for thankfully some hours--and he said to me as I went hurrying out the door this morning that he may not be home when I get back later this evening.

I was going out the door to first go shopping, then come in to work to get some stuff done. The hurrying part was because I just had to get out of the house. Friday night was fine because Spencer stayed at Kip's. Saturday evening he came home after they had another argument [shocking that two guys would get into an argument after a full day of beer-drinking] and I've been a bundle of stress since. It doesn't bode well for a relationship, when things seem to go better when you're apart...just saying.

In the middle of The Men Who Stare At Goats, Spencer came in last night, telling me about the argument with Kip. Then he wanted me to start the movie over so he could watch it. So, I started the movie over and then he kept saying, "I don't like this movie," and talking over it and looking away at the good parts. I said, "Fine, then leave the room; no one's making you watch the movie." And it went downhill from there...

Our communication can be bad in the best of times; add to that his couple dozen beers, my three, and we might as well each be talking to goats. Spencer's personality goes hot and cold, angry to loving, yelling at the TV to solicitude to me, from "I don't know why you married me," to, "I love you so much." This roller-coaster of not knowing how he'll react to anything raises my blood pressure and makes my nerve endings freak out. But then, in a lucid moment, he gives me the most beautiful compliment I've ever gotten: "You're the reason artists paint pictures." Waaah! Then it's followed with more wild talk and anger at the world. It all makes me want to run...literally having the impulse to run out of the house yelling crazy-cat-lady phrases...with only the fear of embarrassment or involuntary committal keeping me in check. Then tomorrow, when he hopefully sobers up, we'll probably have a wonderful day. Is it any wonder that this up and down road is leading me to LoopDeeLoo Land?

Sometimes I want to be knocked out for only a little while; someone klunk me with a frying pan, or taze me; then take me to a beach, coat me with sunblock, lay me down on a towel, and let me wake up with a book in one hand and a Corona in the other. Preferably a beach in Puerto Rico. I'd be more likely to have Benicio del Toro trip over me.

Breathing deeply, moving on for the day.
Thank you, Dear Reader, for being a "listening ear"; it always makes me feel better to get it out.
:O)
~Pym

Familiarity Breeds Irritability

Spencer's over at Kip's this evening, probably till morning, so I can have a quiet night. I just got out of a soapy bath, feeling cleansed and more relaxed now.

I really feel like I've been a bitch lately so I needed it. Somehow, like that phrase "familiarity breeds contempt," I've been letting Spencer's usual quirks and habits get on my nerves. I changed the wording of the phrase, though, because it's not contempt for him that I feel, but irritation. And I feel like it originates with me, not with him.

Spencer's always talked a mile-a-minute, and I do have a hard time getting a word in sometimes. He uses a lot of the same phrases when he talks, repeats words for emphasis, and can be downright predictable. I should be used to all this; but lately it's been stomping on my last nerve. That's why I think it's mainly me being cranky and irritable.

Yesterday I even cried because when I picked him up after work I had some stuff to talk to him about, and because I somehow couldn't verbalize to him to stop talking for a few minutes so that I could say something, I just let myself get more steamed as we did a little shopping and headed back home. At home I was finally able to say what I was wanting to say, and started crying out of frustration, which made him feel bad. We worked out the issue and still had a good evening together, but I felt soo frustrated, not just with him but with my inability to communicate what I was feeling, at the time it was needed.

It could be every-day stresses, added to some things that have come up at work, that are whittling away at me, but I don't want to take these things out on Spencer.

We had our monthly counseling appointment the other morning which went well, but I wasn't feeling that irritable at the time, so I didn't think to bring any of this up.

I've got some vacation time coming up towards the end of this month, so hopefully I can take a necessary "breather" in order to get centered, and quit being so hard on Spencer...and maybe on myself.

~Pym

50th Post!

This is the 50th post for Pym's Escape, and to do something special, I thought I'd list 50 things for which I am grateful!

Enjoy, and add yours in a comment if you like!

Not necessarily in order of importance [though Spencer and Baby are at the top]:

1. Spencer
2. Baby
3. Cary
4. My siblings
5. My parents
6. Huxley [who is a touchstone for me, and made my cool avatar!]
7. Charlie
8. Love
9. CHOCOLATE
10. Books
11. My career
12. My various relatives
13. Health-care coverage
14. Amanda's friendship
15. My best friend in Michigan [Hmm...I need to think of a pseudonym for you K...how about Jo? Like in Little Women, played by Katharine Hepburn!]
16. Our home
17. Our car
18. Always having food in our cabinets
19. The chance to express myself here
20. My local library
21. Water
22. Thunderstorms
23. Cool sunny days
24. Flannel pajamas on chilly nights
25. Going for walks
26. Old black and white movies
27. Our couples counseling
28. Ice cream
29. My Hitachi Magic Wand
30. Mistakes that I can learn from
31. That I once got to travel overseas
32. Mexican restaurants
33. Living in the United States
34. Sex ;O)
35. Campfires
36. Hair coloring lol
37. Computer communication
38. Extra income
39. The beautiful trees around our house
40. The right to vote
41. Having those who protect us, even though I never want war
42. Relaxing days off
43. Almonds
44. Air conditioning in the summer
45. Heat in the winter
46. Telephones and cells
47. Jalapeno potato chips
48. Still having almost all the body parts I was born with :O)
49. Animals
50. Coca-cola!

If you got this far, thanks for sharing some time with me, and I hope you can make a list twice as long -- I know with just a little more thought, I could!

All the best,

~Pym

A "Coming Out" Question

I've yet to "come out" as polyamorous to anyone in my family, but I had a rather odd question just pop into my head last night:

I was wondering if anyone had come out to a parent or sibling, only to find out that their loved-one was also keeping secret a poly lifestyle? Would it be a major coincidence? Or would it mean that upbringing has something to do with the lifestyle choice? Or do I just think up weird stuff? :O)

Happy Monday, Restful Labor Day,
~Pym

Practicing My First Widget, Monroe's Doggy Hip Surgery Through All Breed Animal Rescue of the Carolinas

Labor Day Weekend

It's Sunday morning, and so far we're having a relaxing Labor Day weekend! Spencer is sleeping off his beers from the last two nights, but his behavior was exemplary for his condition lol

Yesterday he grilled out burgers and dogs, not burning them--which was an amazing plus. And we were blessed with a visit from Oskar [a friend to us, and an author of metaphysical books], who was in town and able to come by for a beer and a burger and some awesome, enlightening conversation! This was really good for Spencer, who needed an ear other than mine to listen to some of his on-going experiences in that arena. Though I don't subscribe to every facet of metaphysics, it was definitely thought-provoking to hear their discourse, and I learned a lot.

One thing I'm looking forward to is, the next time Oskar is in town, he's going to do a shamanic ritual and cleanse our house of negativity. This may sound strange to a lot of people, and I don't know myself exactly how or why it may work, but I think just the active thought and participation by us to believe our house cleared of negativity will help make it so. Anyway, to me it is worth a try to feel we're washing away some old traits and taking on some new ones. It may be a few weeks, but when it happens I'd like to share it with you on here.

This morning I've been reading and drinking coffee and spending some time with Baby, when he tolerates my company lol He's my little fuzzy baby boy, but he's definitely more enthused about Spencer's company. Spencer can really bring out the playfulness in Baby, and he's the one who spends more time with him during the day, and feeds him his extra treats, so he's the one Baby looks up at adoringly. I'm so jealous! lol

Here's hoping everyone has a safe weekend, enjoyable company, and fulfilling activities.

Warm regards,
~Pym

Google's New Blog Search

'Got this link via a facebook friend [Thanks ES!] regarding a new way to search for blogs by topic on google. I'm still playing around with it, but it seems like it'll be helpful!

http://www.readwriteweb.com/archives/google_launches_blog_finder_for_any_topic.php

Hope everyone has a safe and enjoyable, and love-filled, Labor Day weekend!

~Pym

When Marriage Doesn't Go Well

One example of a monogamous marriage not going too well might be my brother Van and his wife Jessica. Lately, and more so right at this moment, I've been really pissed at Jessica for how she talks to my brother. He's one of the most mild-mannered, loving, polite, caring guys I know. And even if he weren't my brother, I'd think so.

Today he texted some of the things she's said to him, berating him for his supposed lack of fatherly and provider skills, almost bordering on verbal abuse. She's chipping away at his self-esteem and deflecting from herself any responsibility for their marital problems. In short, she's a spoiled brat bitch.

Van goes out of his way to spend time with his kids, probably spending more with them than she. But she earns more than he, and somehow this makes her feel she can dominate him.

And Spencer's convinced she's already cuckolding Van, while she's "working late," "at the gym," or on a "girls' night out." Besides that, he thinks she's mentally unbalanced.

Anyway, I just had to vent on this topic, especially when various columnists see monogamy as the only way for close, caring commitment. In my brother's case, he seems trapped in a shooting-gallery of verbal barbs, with his wife determined to deflate any sense of self and esteem right out of him.

I fart in her general direction.
~Pym

Double-dip Sunday

'Had a super-sweet Sunday yesterday, being able to spend a couple very languid hours with Cary [while Spencer voluntarily perused his favorite local store], then in the evening having the pleasure of giving a tasty bj to Spencer.

So often lately Cary and I have had to experience "quickies" which are exciting in and among themselves, but the time flies too quickly. Yesterday we could take our time, makes lots of noise, and lay together for a long time after, having conversation on a range of topics while holding and touching each other. It was the drawn-out time I'd needed with him for awhile, and I thanked Spencer profusely for the gift of time alone with Cary.

And not that he asked to be rewarded, but part of showing my appreciation to Spencer entailed a pleasurably mouth-watering bj on the couch.

And I am appreciative to be blessed with these relationships. I've thought not a few times today that even though I can be stressed by a lot of factors, I am truly lucky to be able to experience so much love in my life -- Thank you, Universe!

I'm going to try to wind down now and get some reading in before sleep,
'Night all,
~Pym

The First Love Part IV

In the last First Love post, George and I had really hit it off in an unusually short time, emotionally and physically. We were instant messaging daily and he was still saying how he was the Luckiest Man in the World, and calling me Princess. It was smittenness at first sight.

Needless to say this wasn't going over all that well with our spouses. Spencer was concerned mainly about how fast we'd become attached. Hillary was concerned because we shouldn't be getting attached at all: they were swingers and it should be all physical. But I think she was going to let this ride for awhile, probably hoping it'd run its course.

An outing was planned for George and Hillary and myself, to go out shopping [he wanted to buy me an outfit, dress me up as his Princess] and go to dinner afterward and maybe more. To me the day was wonderful, and Hillary even joked about how George was taking "his women" out. We did the shopping thing, and went out to dinner, and then discussed plans for the evening.

George just about flipped when his wife gave the go-ahead for the three of us to get a motel room. And I was walking on clouds!

We found a place not too far from either of our homes and all went up to the room. The three of us first lounged in the hot tub, and George gave Hillary the first "attentions" which I thought was only right, since she's his wife. There wasn't any sexual attraction between Hillary and me, so it was all up to George to satisfy us both lol We played around taking some pictures, and I gave George a gift of edible man's briefs which were a crack-up. From there on, most of what I remember is the "attentions" George gave me.

Actually Hillary got a phone call on her cell and sat by the window talking for a bit, but she had to have heard George and me going at it on one of the beds. I was just soaking it all in, pun intended. I asked him to cum inside me so I could feel closer to him and he loved it.

After Hillary's call, we all lay on the bed, George spooning me, and we watched some television. In a while, Hillary was going to have to leave because she had to get up very early in the a.m. for work, and she and George made a decision they'd never allowed themselves to make before: for one of them to be all alone with another partner. She probably later regretted it, because it was that time alone that let George and I really bond.

George took Hillary home and came back to be with me, having made an agreement with her that he wouldn't stay too late. It wasn't to be an all-nighter. When he came back, I was ready for him again, and then the darndest, most-romantic thing happened: a storm hit and the power went out! Now, for bonding purposes, [see practically any romance novel] you can't beat storms and power-outages, with heroes holding heroines in the dark, making love to the thunder, and the hero whispering in the heroine's ear, "I could really develop feelings for you."

In time, we had to yank ourselves back to reality, George had to drive me home and say goodbye, and our night out of a storybook was over.

For all the intense feelings we'd developed, we would only get to see each other a few more times before the incompatibility of our two couples' philosophies would be impossible to overcome.

More in part V.

~Pym

Joyful Domesticity, Really.

To show that we're not always fussing, this is a post of domestic positivity. I've got today off and Spencer and I have enjoyed a morning of yard work, which we both love. Mowing, trimming, raking. And the weather is so beautiful today; finally a break in the heat wave! Now we're doing laundry and will hang that out on the line.

These are the days I love. Dr. Jekyll is here; no sign of Mr. Hyde. This is why we married and made a life together.

And that's basically what I want at this point in my life and our relationship. Sweet, boring nesting, with extra-love from our partner(s).

Compared to some of the hairier times, I call it domestic bliss.

~Pym

Sunday

Almost itching to go in to work today to get some things done. Spencer is home after a 2-day bender at Kip's [I had asked him to stay over there and it did make it a lot less stressful for me, though I missed him]. I'm glad he's home safely now [always on foot, though that doesn't guarantee safety] but he's still pretty whacked out and we've fussed some. I'm hoping he can sleep it off and we can have a quiet dinner this evening.

It shouldn't after all this time, but it always amazes me how changed he is at this alcohol-saturated state. It's like one personality left the house, and a foamy-pod-grown, Invasion of the Body Snatchers, cranky doppelganger comes back, talking non-stop gibberish. I want to keep living with the first guy, but could do with less exposure to the second. Gee, am I in a poly relationship with the different personalities of my husband?

I'd love for him to be able to have more positivity in his life. Not being able to work [for physical reasons as well as that his alcoholism makes him almost unemployable in itself] hits his self esteem hard, which plays right back in to his drinking. I'd love for him to have someone else besides me love him for the good in him, and boost his self-perception. Coming from me, all the support I give him probably seems like I do it "because I have to -- I'm his wife." He needs an outside source to recognize his special qualities and tell him he's a funny, intelligent, sexy guy. But invariably his alcohol use turns off anyone who can get that close.

This cycle of self-loathing, self-medicating, leading to more self-loathing goes on ad infinitum and appears impossible to break. I'm standing at the side of railroad tracks watching a train wreck in slow motion and can't do a thing about it. Except run. I have the choice to do that, but I'm just not ready to give up.

~Pym

Almost Middle Week...

...and I'm pooped! Many changes at work, new duties and challenges, and didn't get much sleep last night, either. Had obligations after work, came home and ate, and am going to have to go to bed.

Thinking of my special friend, Huxley, who's going through some difficulty right now, and I think he needs to cut himself some slack.

I had a wonderful lunch yesterday with Cary...a "quickie" but it was delicious!

Hitting the hay with Spencer and a book now, though the book may not even get cracked open...would rather have sleep.

Must dash,
~Pym

The First Love Part III

We left off in The First Love Part II with Spencer and I meeting another couple named George and Hillary. Our first error there, I'd say, was meeting them on a swinging site. That didn't make them or their lifestyle bad, but it should have been an indication that they weren't looking for the same thing(s) we were, and our philosophies on "sharing" were going to be a lot different.

We initially met at a restaurant, and hit it off quite well. They were just a smidge older than us, but were physically attractive, funny and intelligent, and down to earth, with a nice family. And they weren't from the South, which gave us even more in common.

When I met George, I felt an attraction almost right away. He was just so cute, kinda' goofy, and I loved his eyes. He kept saying he loved my hair and was wanting to pet it, and said he'd love to help me wash it. [I hope that didn't mean he thought it needed washing.]

We all talked for quite awhile, had some beers, flirted with each other, and then decided to go back to our place to check on our doggy, who's health wasn't so good and couldn't be left alone too long.

At our place [someone got more beer on the way] we drank and laughed more, and things started to get a bit physical. Actually I thought Spencer and Hillary were ahead of us in that department. I could see them smooching some already. Mostly while that was going on, George and I were snuggling on the couch, and he kept saying "I'm the luckiest man alive" and he'd kiss me and we'd snuggle closer. I'm not sure why we had made that connection, but it definitely was there.

Spencer and Hillary went out onto the balcony [I think for Hillary to try to blow him in the dark out there] while George and I stayed on the couch. I was sure Spencer and Hillary were going to "do it" so I felt justified in moving on with George. Sooo, to Spencer's surprise, when he and Hillary came back into the apartment, George and I were engaged in making love on the living room floor!

Spencer wasn't upset, but was started. Hillary wasn't upset because they're swingers and used to spontaneous sex. George and I on the other hand were feeling much more emotional about the whole thing than we let on. He kept saying how sweet I was, and how next time we got together he'd make sure it was something special, "I promise." We were already smitten with each other though our spouses weren't the wiser.

As it turned out, Spencer and Hillary didn't go very far physically after all [Spencer had drank too much] so it was me who had thrown aside the reins and taken off on my own, with some emotional consequences still to come.

~Pym

Wednesday Mornin'

After a long weekend, and a personally long day, Spencer and I planned on a bit of "us" time last evening, and it was soo nice! With all the extraneous stuff we deal with day in and day out, we really needed to be intimate with each other and have that closeness. Success! And the bonus was five big Os with the Magic Wand; it was too hot to go for more ;O)

On a slightly different note, I'm trying to get Pym's Escape a little more exposure in the blog world, so if anyone finds it interesting enough to share, please feel free to do so. It may not be as glamorous as folks thing a poly lifestyle to be, but that's because we're real people, with real problems, and real relationships, like everyone else. Polyamory definitely enriches our lives in a loving and spiritual way, but it takes place in the "every day" world.

Best,
~Pym

ps I will get back to telling the tales of our First Loves in poly.

It's Monday

The weekend wasn't too bad; Spencer and I had Saturday together, though he continued his drinking from Friday night, and I got my own six-pack of Miller Chill. We spent the first half of the day sleeping, did some yard work, then some needful errands, came back to the house, cooked a pizza and watched television.

Sunday morning, Spencer slept in, and I nursed a terrible self-inflicted headache from my six-pack. I'm such a dumb-ass, to drink even that much, but at the time, with the lime flavor, they tasted so good. I willed myself to not throw up, slept a little more with ice on my head, was able to manage running a few errands, came back and mowed part of the lawn, and played online.

Spencer went back over to Kip's that afternoon and said he was going to spend the night, so as not to disturb me on a work night. Well, at about 1:30 in the morning he calls twice to say he's on his way home. As I'm now already awake, I watch for him so he won't have to hunt his key. If it weren't so sad, seeing him toddle around the corner, just a-wobbling along, it might have been comical.

After I let him in, we had a typical argument and I tried to go to bed. I made it into bed, but then Spencer had to "talk", which means ramble on. His biggest complaint last night being how much pain his legs are in. [We think he's developed a bad case of sciatica, but can't get to a doc anytime soon.] And how he thinks no one cares, da da da. Even though I can't feel his pain, I do understand that he's in pain. But I can't do anything about it and he doesn't get that. If there was some way for him to earn a couple hundred dollars, we could get him started at a chiropractor. I keep telling him to put ice on his legs, but he refuses because it makes him have to go pee. I'd think he'd take a few extra pisses if it helped him feel better. After our lengthy fussing, he finally left me alone in bed and went to sleep on the couch.

Anyway, this evening, Monday, Spencer is back at Kip's, helping him set up his new computer, and I hope he keeps his word that he won't drink since we have a counseling appointment in the morning.

Either way I'll go, but he needs it just as much as I. And after writing this entry, it's easier to see what a repetitive rut we're in. It could be any Monday in our lives over the past 10 years.

I'd apologize to Dear Reader for the boring content, but I think this is what life is like for most of us. Living, loving, working, bearing crosses, rinsing, and repeating.

'Evening,
~Pym

Friday Morning

Spencer and I did have a date night last night, but no romantic "action" by mutual consent. We had a great coupon for [another] buffet which was about to expire, so we went out to eat. And I did really well not over-doing it, so I was proud of myself! We went for a walk when we got home, read a little, I chatted online with Cary for a bit, and then read in bed. Spencer and I got some snuggle time in during this, which was quite enjoyable.

The weekend is coming up and the plan is Spencer will hang with Kip tonight, but I'll get him tomorrow; sounds like a custody arrangement! lol We'll have to run errands for family in the morning, but in the afternoon, I'd like to take Spencer to a nearby park, if it's not too hot, to walk around the water and feed the geese and ducks. It's been a great place for me to wind-down when I need it, and I'd like to share it with him.

So far, I've no plans with Cary, but if I get to see him, I'd consider that a wonderful bonus, on top of hopefully getting some close quality time with Spencer.

Must dash,
the day is starting,
~Pym

Kip

Okay, I can see that Kip is going to drive me nuts. I think he's already getting on Spencer's nerves, and they're the ones who are friends.

I realize he just lost his Dad, who he's lived with for years and helped take care of in the last days, but Kip seems to not be able to do anything on his own. He's forty-something, has no job right now, divorced a couple times, and basically driven off any other friends but Spencer and one other childhood friend.

If he gets a bank statement, he calls Spencer. If the bank calls, he calls Spencer. He looks for work, Spencer needs to help him with his application. And just about any other excuse to call Spencer over, because he can't stand to be alone. Then when they do get together, they drink. And drink a lot. All this calling for help has put Spencer in a cranky mood, too. It's something they'll have to work out without me. And Kip is going to have to learn to grow up -- fast.

On another note, I want to spend some personal time with Spencer, but it hasn't seemed to work out lately. The one evening he asked for a bj I couldn't do it [we had a buffet shortly before, and I couldn't move lol] and last night we were hot and tired and a bit cranky from the day, so we both just read in bed. I really want us to treat ourselves to "us" time, with no worries about anyone or anything else.

It'll have to be tonight, because he's already got plans with Kip tomorrow evening.

~Pym

Monday

Well, Spencer came home this morning...and left again a short time ago.
Back to Kip's, to watch wrestling [yuk] and drink beer--again. I'm not surprised, and I shouldn't be miffed; it's all par for the course, really. Something I might as well be resigned to. It often feels more like I'm in charge of a teenaged son than have a spouse/partner. We ate dinner together this evening, and watched one hour of a historical drama, but I didn't get to tell him about my day, or yesterday, or...whatever I'd wanted to talk about. Kip calls, "I need to talk to you about something" [yeah, while watching wrestling and downing beers] and off he goes. Harumph, I say, harumph.

I want my own night out, either with Cary, or with a girlfriend. I had promised a great friend at work that I'd treat us both to margaritas if her hubby would drive us to the Mexican restaurant. Gotta save my pennies, but I'm going to do it!

Ole!
~Pym

Sunday Sadness

I've got a sort of sadness this evening I can't seem to shake. I think I'm feeling a bit scared because Spencer is continuing his binge over at Kip's and I was hoping he'd come home today sober. Maybe scared isn't the right word--apprehensive?--but I'm missing him...and when he calls on the phone to check in he sounds so pitifully drunk and anything could happen to him. At least he's not driving. And they are just watching television. I suppose it could be worse.

I did three loads of laundry and should feel accomplished for that, but I don't. I paid one bill online and am worried how we're going to meet the rest. I feel guilty for having taken a nap, and have been eating all afternoon. I just want to shower and go back to bed. Sigh, I sound like such a wet blanket lol.

Sunday Blues I suppose. Growing up, I almost always got depressed on Sundays and often had headaches, in anticipation and worry about school the next day. I do love my job, so that's not the problem here; I look forward to going to work in the mornings. Hmm...I'll have to think of a new name for it...

The Too-Hot Sunday, I Ate Too Much and Think I'm Fat, and I Miss My Man Being Sober, and My Cat is Ignoring Me Blues.

:O)
~Pym

Funeral Today

Kip's Dad's funeral was today, and it wasn't as stressful as I'd anticipated. Kip can be immature in many ways, and doesn't get along with his older brother, so I expected some family disfunction and thankfully things seemed to go smoothly. It was a nice graveside service with not quite so much in-your-face Bible thumping we've experienced at others. Everyone roasted in the hot sun with some folks even getting sunburn. Spencer and another friend are staying with Kip tonight to keep him company.

I've been sipping on a Miller Chill and spending too much time on this computer, when I could be reading or playing with Baby. But I wasn't totally unproductive, as I sent Cary an email with a description of a daydream I had about us today, and a few pics added for good measure. ;O)

'Night all,
~Pym

Tomorrow is a Funeral

Tomorrow we go to Kip's Dad's funeral. I just hate going to funerals. And it's roasting, and it might storm. But the worst part is that someone has died.

I've always had an obsession with death, even as a little kid. I'd sit and think about death, and being dead for infinity, and then wig out, screaming. And I couldn't explain to anyone what my fear was.

It's not as bad as an adult, but lately the fear and obsession have been constantly hovering over my head. If I watch an old movie, all I can think of is that the actors are now dead. If I read a historical novel, all I can think of is that these people would be dead by now. I'm always worrying about family members and friends, and especially about anyone older, like my parents.

Death just seems so inevitable; not like when we were younger and, even though we knew of it and feared it, thought it would never touch us. We'd never die. Our loved ones would never die.

After having experienced my mother-in-law dying, and some work colleagues in past years, and even acquaintances my age or younger, it's just constantly staring me in the face. To the point that I'm not enjoying a lot of my activities.

Spending time with Spencer helps; he makes me laugh and makes me feel alive when we make love. And I'm so fortunate that he gives me the gift of time to spend with Cary. I'm really lucky in so many ways.

Obsessing like this is something I've got to keep working on, and I hope I can eventually shake off, so that I can live and love without worrying when it's all going to end.

I wonder if I'm the only one who thinks and worries the way I do...

~Pym

A Friend's Dad

Spencer's friend Kip lost his Dad this afternoon. I guess it was expected since Hospice had been called in, but nevertheless, Kip's going to need Spencer for moral support, and to be a pallbearer.

Spencer's staying with Kip tonight, which I think is helpful, but I hope they don't drown their sorrows too much in beer. I don't blame Kip for Spencer's drinking, but they started the drinking habit together twenty years ago, and neither one can say no to more drinks, so it does make me a bit nervous.

But since Spencer has shown improvement lately, I'll just have to trust he'll know now is not the time to overdo it.

It does give me an evening to read and have Baby the cat all to myself. :O)

Besides my thoughts being with Kip and his family, they're also with my friend Huxley. He's having a sort of crisis of conscience, in that an old girlfriend wants to meet him again and maybe rekindle old flames. The problem is that they are both married.

I'm not going to be judgmental, because I took those steps in my previous marriage, and cheated on my first husband. But I am worried about him getting hurt, and his wife getting hurt. I don't know the old girlfriend, and I'm afraid she's just trying to test whether she "still has it" at the expense of my friend, so I say she's on her own. It's him I care about.

Must dash -- my book and Baby await,
'Night,
~Pym

Monday

Lots of days have been really nice recently, and I had an especially wonderful day Monday!
In the morning I gave Spencer a bj before work, and I had a luxuriously long lunch with Cary!
Then a relaxing evening, home again with Spencer, reading in bed.
It was a day of simple, lovely pleasures!
~Pym

Looking for Advice

In a couple days I'm going to a conference [Spencer has to stay at home, dern it] but while I'm away I want to do some thinking on how I can set Spencer up on a date.

What do you think is the best approach, when one member of a poly couple is seeing someone fairly regularly, while the other partner is not, but the first partner would very much like for the second to find someone to date??

Sound confusing to anyone? Ring bells with anyone?

It may be a bit before I can check back in, but any advice from the poly community would be appreciated.

Regards,
~Pym and Spencer

The First Love, Part II

The day that Spencer and Judith had arranged to have their first sexual encounter, I'd arranged to go to the movies [I remember it was Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy] with a platonic guy friend of mine. He apparently didn't notice how nervous and shaky I was the whole time, thinking of what Spencer was doing at home.

I believe I was intellectually ready -- most of us in this lifestyle say we are -- but the actual leap from an academic discussion of poly to going the full step of caring penetration with another is just that, a leap -- of trust, and faith -- me trusting that Spencer won't go too far emotionally, and he trusting me that I won't in the end wig out.

Well, I didn't wig out, and though it was a difficult step, I was glad that Spencer and Judith had a good time together. It was a feeling of compersion for two people I genuinely cared about and loved.

The problem started with Spencer's growing love for Judith growing into an almost obsession with Judith. Wanting to know if I'd talked to her; she didn't write him back right away, is she off him or ignoring him? Is she talking to other guys? Calling her at her work when he should have been calling me at mine. Yes, after several months of this, I got jealous, and sometimes downright mad.

Spencer does have a habit of latching on to a relationship and nearly driving it into the ground; it's something he's working on now, but back then, I was sick of it. If I heard her name once more I was going to scream!

Eventually, because of conflicts brought on by Spencer's modus operandi, and because of other things on Judith's part, they did go separate ways. I had to say I was relieved, though there was the continual questioning of me if I'd talked to her or seen her and if she asked about Spencer.

Soon however, the tables were going to be turned after we met a couple through Swing Lifestyle, George and Hillary.

And did I ever fall for George.

~Pym

Limericks Just For Fun

I haven't forgotten to write a Part II to "The First Love", but also haven't had the energy to sit down and write it, though I apparently had time and energy to write and trade a few limericks with Huxley.

Huxley by the way, is a geeky-sexy cartoonist, and I mean geeky in the best possible way...as in, he's the smartest and funniest of guys, and a gentleman, but cute as all get-out and you just know when he gets rolling, he's gotta be hot as hell in bed lol...should I coin the word geexy in honor of him? Yes, I think I will: this is for you Huxley, geexy adorable you! ;O)

He started the limerick challenge. [Serena is my pseudonym for this one]:

A blogger by the name of Serena,
Found books were her favorite arena,
But this giggly blonde
Was quite fond of her Wand*
Which made her squeal like a laughing hyena.

[*Referring to my favorite of appliances, the Hitachi Magic Wand.]

So I asked him to do one for me as Pym, and I wrote this as an example:

There once was a blogger named Pym,
Who wished she was ever-more trim,
But when she giggled and jiggled her ass-not-so-trim,
Out of Huxley she'd get a sweet grin.

His reply:

Huxley said, "What's the matter Ms. Pym?
Your expression is awfully grim."
Pym wiggled her booty,
"'Tis a giggly beauty,
Thus it's my duty to go to the gym."

[Here I laughed and clutched my stomach, picturing myself at the gym. Ha! But then again, that's why my ass is a "giggly" beaut.]

My reply, using another nickname,

There once was a cartoonist named Hex,
Who wouldn't be caught dead in Spandex,
But his cock was so wide,
He threw frugality aside,
And bought it its own diamond Rolex.

And I also wrote one for Spencer [here I'll call him Stan]:

There once was a lover named Stan,
Whose uncut cock's length was a span,
His wife, yes she'd suck it,
But swallow? She'd duck it.
"That's such a big load, Mr. Man!"

Yes, I did write one for Cary using his real name and occupation, but I couldn't think of a pseudonym that would keep the rhyme. So here's one I made up just now:

There once was a hotty named Cary,
Whose disposition was always quite merry,
He'd hold me tight,
And hit it just right,
Making me pleased oh so very.

That's all the brain power I can spare for the night; hope we made someone laugh; feel free to share a dirty limerick of your own; it's great mental exercise, and can be kinda' hot ;O)

~Pym

The First Love, Part I

After writing about our initial breaking-in experience with Sydney, I had to have Spencer jog my memory of what came next [it has been a few years]. It seems that because of how the situation made me feel, we didn't attempt much active searching for "adult" friends for awhile.

In the meantime he kept up our online accounts like Adult Friend Finder and Swing Lifestyle [mentions are not to be construed as an endorsement ;O) ] and we continued to discuss what it is we wanted out of an open relationship.

I think still at that point we hadn't hit upon the word polyamory, or we'd only just begun to learn about it. We did think we knew what we didn't want and that was shallow, anonymous sex; we wanted to at least care for and have a friendship with someone if we were going to have sex with them. However we didn't yet discuss how we'd deal with it if one of us actually fell in love with another person.

Until it happened.

Spencer had at that time caught back up with a friend, Judith--now married--from his old high school. I became close to her, too, and she became pretty much a best girlfriend to me. She and Spencer felt comfortable flirting and with time she seemed more and more open to it, especially via email. She also began relaying to Spencer how "un-sexual" her marriage was, and some of the downright nasty things her husband was saying to her about her body. In time, she and Spencer grew closer, and they decided to move on sexually.

Now, I do say that I/we don't want to help spouses cheat, but hearing about the almost verbally-abusive situation she was in [at least hearing it from her side], and counting on them knowing the risks involved, I gave my blessing to them.

And even though Spencer and I talked things out beforehand [though not she and I, which in hindsight may have helped me], and intellectually I was ready, letting the two of them have sex was one of the most difficult things I'd ever done.

~Pym

House Open Marriage Episode

Spencer and I watched tonight's episode of House together, and I'm chatting with Cary about it now. We're all three pretty much in agreement that the episode leaned toward being anti-open marriage. And I thought it was done a bit heavy-handedly: HEY EVERYBODY, THEY HAVE AN OPEN MARRIAGE! And this allows the doctors to ask all kinds of personal questions, even though it would have no bearing on her present condition.

I think Rachel [Taub's wife] was on the right track when she was giving him permission: I think if he'd have gone out with Maya while having permission, it would have taken the thrill out of it, and he probably wouldn't have gone through with it anyway.

Taub was a buffoon for broaching the subject of open marriage with his wife in a crowded restaurant--you can't discuss anything serious in that setting. And once Rachel did give him Thursdays, even if she could have followed through, he should have had more class than to jump on the very next Thursday. And why should it have been any of Taub's co-worker's business?? And why was Foreman especially hard on Taub?

I also wonder why the words polyamory or swinger were never spoken. Not that they're the same thing, but with all the conversation you'd think someone would have said one or the other.

Lots of food for thought in this episode, though it probably was done mainly for titillation and ratings--hey, it worked in getting us to watch!

Would love to hear anyone else's comments on it, too.

'Night,
~Pym

Still here

Yes, Spencer and I are still here! It seems like it's been awhile since I've posted, but in a way it's good because we've been busy with productive things. Lots of pleasure reading, doing things around the house [especially yard work], and spending enriching time together. Spencer is working hard on tapering his drinking and I can see an improvement and give him my heartfelt thanks for trying! I've also gotten to have some wonderful extra time with Cary -- once meeting for a daytime skyclad encounter, on the grass in his fenced-in yard -- oh my that was delicious! [While we were lying there a low-flying plane came overhead and I wondered if they could see us? *smile*] Also, I thank Spencer for giving me the gift of being able to share times like that with someone else that I love. As for Spencer, he's really missing Amanda, but I guess they both know that somehow they cannot get over their communication problems and constant bickering. I hope that after this "hump" of hard feelings, they can still come back together as friends. Spencer is actively looking for someone with alternative spiritual leanings and a tolerance for someone working on an addiction...on that note, if anyone is interested in corresponding with Spencer, do contact me and I'll do my best to introduce you!
~Pym

Just For Fun

I was wondering if anyone had their own names for sexual positions they do with partners -- as in something you did spontaneously and gave a name to later?

Here are ours [so far], named after the motel/hotels in which they occurred, with a brief description of position:

1) The Gold Strike: me on bathroom counter, Spencer and I facing each other, my back up to mirror, I should've worn a helmet

2) The Motel 6: me leaning over bathroom counter, Spencer getting me "doggy style", hurt to walk for to 2 days [seriously]

3) The Sam's Town: it's why there are luggage racks in hotel rooms; that's all I'm gonna say...

We hope to make more memories, but feel free to share some of yours! ;O)

--Pym

Is It Tuesday Already?

I had a goal for tonight to write a longer post [I started a draft for First Experiences, Part III] but since Spencer is out with Kip, Cary is unavailable, and I have the whole house to myself with the now-sleeping cat [Baby] I'm going to get my ass off the computer, sip on a glass of port, read, and relax...ahhh...sweet...

--Pym

First Experiences, Part III

In searching for ways to experience our chosen lifestyle and meet like-minded people, Spencer registered us on numerous adult web sites [and I think he has since quite enjoyed perusing profiles--especially the accompanying photos--guys are so visual!]

It really does take a lot of sifting through profiles on those sites to find legitimate people or couples with whom one has philosophies and interests in common; most are players or ads. After a lot of profile "screening," a woman with whom Spencer began corresponding would be our first let's-do-something-intimate-at-home encounter.

Sydney really was a sweet person: a single mom, intelligent, very pretty, and open-minded about sex and sexuality. We were invited to visit her at her work a few times to talk in person, and eventually we did invite her over to watch a movie, and see what might develop.

To begin with, this being our first planned meeting with someone made me anxious, even though I liked Sydney as a person. Also, Sydney unfortunately wore a perfume that was awful; it truly turned my stomach. I have no idea how Spencer could stand it, or even how she could wear it! I didn't want to hurt her feelings by saying anything, but by the time the movie ended I was about to be physically ill, and I should have spoken up then, but I didn't want to spoil the evening.

After chatting a bit when the movie was over, we all agreed that we'd try for Sydney to give Spencer a blow-job while I watched, then see if he could make her orgasm--no penetration--we all knew I wasn't ready for that. I did think I was ready for this "lite" encounter, but I felt so ill from the smell of her perfume, and my insides were churning from the anxiety of this new experience, that I was crying before it was all over.

I encouraged Spencer and Sydney to cut it short, and they knew I wanted her to leave--without being physically satisfied herself. Afterwards, I did feel bad for causing the evening to be halted, and I know both weren't happy with me, but it was all I could do to not vomit over the whole scene, which no doubt would have been mortifying.

When I explained the physical effect her scent had on me, Spencer understood, but needless to say, we heard from Sydney only once or twice after that. It was a dipping of our toes in the waters of non-monogamy and a learning experience, maybe for all three of us:

1) Verbalize limits as soon as you feel them
2) Be understanding if your spouse expresses discomfort
3) Don't wear pukey cologne

--Pym

Blog I'm newly following:

Doing a blog link exchange -- feel free to participate!
"I'll show you mine, if you show me yours" ;O)

http://violentcontradiction.blogspot.com/

--Pym

Dr. Jekyll

I really don't have any qualms in admitting that I'm an enabler, nor in emphasizing the goodness, the Dr. Jekyll side, of Spencer. He's hard enough on himself as it is, and me constantly criticizing doesn't help the deep self-esteem issues. I'm sure that's more of my enabling traits, but I find it hard to tear someone down when a) they're busy fighting demons that have tentacles longer than both our lives, and b) I love them.

Since Pym's Escape is my way to vent, I'm sure it's giving a more negative view of Spencer. I may have painted him as only Mr. Hyde, and there really is so much more to him. I could give a laundry list of all of his Jekyll qualities, his sense of humor, his sexiness, his solicitiousness, his intelligence and creativity. But as I was talking to Cary tonight about what I find with Spencer, the word that stood out was joy.

Even with all we endure as a couple, that is still what I feel every day with Spencer...most especially when he's sober for sure...but still, I feel it every day in some way.

Mr. Hyde may need a swift kick in the pants,
but as for Dr. Jekyll, he brings me joy.

--Pym

Moving Backward...

This is going to be pretty much a stream of consciousness post; I'm not going to worry about paragraphs or spelling. I've had such a horrible past two nights that I've just got to get it out or I'm going to scream! I don't even know what details to give but suffice it to say Spencer is truly driving me insane. I think I'm going to end up in a hospital, or I'm going to put him in a hospital: either a rehab one, or because I've beaned him with a blunt object! And I know when he reads this he's going to only see reasons that he should leave; or reasons to do himself in. He'll fail to see another option: GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER!
I think he's purposely trying to push me away; either so he can fulfill this self-destructive, self-fulfilling prophecy of "no one loves me or cares about me" or so I can be the ultimate bitch like his last live-in, fifteen years ago. He keeps saying, when he's drunk, you should leave me, you should divorce me. Maybe I should, but I'm not planning on it.
When he's sober and doing things such as going to our counselor, like just last Wednesday, there is always so much hope! But when he drinks, and then gets a Mr. Hyde personality like he has the last two nights, it's just a nightmare!
I don't know what makes the difference between the "good binges" [if they can really be called that] and these nightmare binges. He has such a self-destructive attitude. Friday night he was saying he didn't want to be here [life] anymore; that wait and he'll be gone. He punched the stove, slammed his fist on the counter, we argued, I cried, I tried to go to bed so he'd leave me alone, but he just follows me...talking...and talking...in my ear, practically smothering me while I'm lying there...sometimes saying scary things, sometimes mean things. I had to hold back from hitting him, which I've done in the past out of pure rage. I drank most of my 1/2 pint of brandy, to try to escape and keep calm; I took a 1/2 xanax. Finally he'd leave the room and I'd bawl my eyes out. Then he came back and finally fell asleep.
When he reads this he's, again, only going to see reasons he should leave or kill himself...I'm terrifying of him hurting himself... Or he's going to hold it against me that I've written all I've written. It'll make him look bad. He's said before [sober], I don't want to be that jerk that everyone points to and says, "there's that guy; he's a jerk; stay away from him" but yet his actions [drunk] push him into that category.
And I know this Mr. Hyde personality isn't really him; it's his terrors, and childhood traumas, and his fears coming out, like some kind of toxicity that seethes through his skin...but the real him is Dr. Jekyll, the loving, kind, smart, and funny person I married.
Gotta take a breath here.
I know I shouldn't be drinking either, and there's no excuse except my need of escape also. I want it so I can be calm and just fall asleep. I've had my own suicidal thoughts as well, and was tempted to down more than brandy, but I won't do that; I know how much a suicide in Spencer's family affected him, and I'd never do that to him or to my family.
That's something I just can't understand: he's so tormented by this suicide of a loved one, but he seems to think he can turn around and put me through that same torment and nightmare. How dare he even consider it? And I also can't fathom, knowing how much Spencer went through with an abusive alcoholic dad, how can it be okay to put me, and us, through it today? I know these are simplistic questions and the answers are multi-layered and oh-so-complex, but to just have him realize the irony would be a start.
Whew, I think I'm a bit spent now, but it feels so good to have gotten a lot off my chest!
I want to also add that Friday night, while I was bawling, I was saying inside, "I need a friend, I need a friend!" and after Spencer fell asleep and I got on the computer for a distraction, in the beautiful synchronicity of the Universe, I was message by a friend, Charlie--someone from my home state who I'd only just begun re-corresponding with in the last few months, a friend whom I love very much, and I thank him for listening to me and giving me some laughs and a lot of support.
Of course the next day, Spencer finds Charlie's cell phone number and asks me if I'm going to leave him. No, Baby, I am NOT planning on leaving you. If I ever do leave, it will not be for another person; it would be to regain my sanity and live by myself! I don't want to live with anyone else; I want to live with the man I married, but it's got to be a sane, productive, thriving existence; we've got the love mastered, how come we can't get the other stuff right?

Moving forward

Today was our second appointment together at the counselor, and I'm proud of how well Spencer is opening up and expressing himself, especially since the counselor is a guy. But he's a cool guy and seems to listen and make suggestions without harsh judgment, only helping hone perspectives.

Our Valentine's weekend was really nice; had a three-day weekend since Monday was Presidents' Day. Spencer and I spent Saturday together during the day, doing some of our favorite things: going thrift store shopping and eating out.

In the evening he went with Kip to a movie and I got to have a quick visit [and a quickie] with Cary. It could only be a quickie due to time constraints but it was hot! Hot to see him, be pounded by him, and lie on the bed together afterwards. We're both hoping we can find the opportunity to spend more than just minutes to hours together sometime in the near future, and I'm lobbying to get a room for a night, but that's a step he and his wife will have to decide upon together. It would be their first time sharing during an all-nighter, and I want them both to be comfortable with it if it happens.

At least that's what I tell myself. Truthfully, if he said he was going to tell her that he would be out of town a night for a convention, but got us a room instead...I'd still take it. Isn't that terrible? In my rationalization I'd say it's because I don't believe she tells Cary everything she does, and I think she's flat-out cheated on him in the past. And, yes, I did that to my first husband, but hypocritical or not, I don't think it's any worse for him to do so if she has already. Sigh, where are my principles? And I know Spencer would be disappointed in me if I did it. Hmmm, I need to think that one over a bit more...

Spencer has been missing Amanda quite a bit, and is trying to at least keep some email communications going with her. It's good for him to have someone to talk to who understands our lifestyle, but I'm not sure if it's healthy for them to pursue a romantic relationship again. As long as they can get along, I'll support them both; but I don't want to have to put back on the striped referee uniform. I look terrible in stripes.

First Experiences, Part II

As a foreword to this post, I'd like to report that Spencer and I had a great week; he went all during the work week without drinking, and we've had a lot of fun, and today some hot sex, while Cary watched on cam...'couldn't ask for more except maybe for Cary to be with us...and it was topped off with a trip to our favorite Mexican restaurant. Now that's a beautiful day!

Returning to the topic of some of our first experiences: after all our discussions about what we might like to try, we decided to attend our first swingers' "social" just to check things out.

Spencer had joined some online groups and contacted a husband and wife who hosted regular socials in a nearby town. After a few emails back and forth in which they cleared us to attend, we were give the time and place for the event. Yes, even swingers have a vetting process.

It was probably obvious that it was our first time, and we both felt like green newbies, being pretty much looked over like fresh meat by a lot of the attendees. However we were warmly welcomed by an older couple and sat with them for most of the evening.

I could tell this Mrs. would have liked to have bonked Spencer right away, and for the age difference, she was kinda' on the hot side, but we just weren't ready. In total truth, besides the younger couple we met later, she was probably one of the hotter/classier women there -- I'm afraid most of the other women, barring just a few, were quite overweight and not the most attractive, and the same goes for many of the men.

I'm sure it sounds judgmental, but when it comes to having sex, or making love, there needs to be some physcial attraction. We're not model quality but when someone has "let themselves go" it shows.

We were introduced to a couple younger than us, the wife of the couple being bi and really attractive and nicely plump. I danced with her, which was cool, especially knowing lots of eyes were on us.

This social took place at a hotel and we were invited back to the room of the younger couple, though we still weren't ready for anything physical. We all four talked for awhile, Spencer giving her a neck massage, and her husband giving me one. Before leaving I kissed her on the mouth, and also her husband, and then Spencer kissed her. So far all had gone smoothly, with no pressure on either of us and no real jealousies to speak of...until Spencer kissed her on the forehead.

For some reason this bothered me more than a full-on mouth kiss, I think because it was a tender gesture, and I believed that it should be reserved only for me.

I think we didn't talk too much on the way home but when we finally crawled into bed, I cried, and Spencer held me, and I admitted that this kiss really bothered and hurt me.

We were both a little surprised that such an innocent action could elicit as strong a response from me as it did, but we talked it out, beginning our journey down a road of "alternative" experiences and a deepening relationship.

Balance

Sunday I was hoping to get with Cary and have a back-seat fling, however as we were chatting I revealed that it'd been almost a month since Spencer and I had made love. His reply: "Holy Shit!"

And then he made a sensible suggestion: he asked me to restore balance and harmony in the Universe and make love to Spencer, before he (Cary) and I do again.

It made me feel good that he was considering Spencer (not too many guys would turn down sex to make sure someone else got it -- is it a form of fraternal compersion?), and it was a reminder that Spencer is my primary, in sex and love.

Not that I don't know or feel that, but like I said to Cary, it's true that often Spencer and I are so drained with day-to-day life and worries that we forget to look at each other as lovers.

I did make love to Spencer -- well, really, he made love to me -- it'd been a long time since we did missionary, and it was lovely. I felt so warm and cocooned in his arms.

But then I did use the Magic Wand while Spencer caught his breath -- and that was a sweet ending to long-overdue lovemaking.

--Pym

Should I be worried?

It's been a month since I've seen Cary and we've made love. We're still texting but not quite as often, and with fewer of the endearments of "baby" and "I miss you and love you."

I do realize he's very busy; he has a family and a profession...I'm just missing the positive feedback...and if it is the case that he wishes to wind down our relationship, I would like to know.

I'm not feeling as hurt as I thought I might be when he does eventually move on; mainly curious as to if we're going to proceed, and if not, if it's the result of something specific.

Of course, I could be reading more into this perceived distance than it actually means; it probably means that he's just busy with his life.

On the other hand, Spencer and I have had a nice weekend so far. We're both too low-energy for sex, but have enjoyed just being together, reading, shopping, puttering around the house...sweetly low-key, sane, and boring...I love it.

Steps in the Right Direction

This morning we experienced what I like to call a breakthrough. I had my usual counseling session but arranged to bring Spencer along, and I believe he got something positive out of it.

The counselor was a guy a bit younger than us but who seemed to really understand where Spencer was coming from. And I think, after a little initial awkwardness, Spencer felt comfortable talking about some important issues.

I told him how proud I am of him that he's making this effort and is willing to work on things. And as I know he's not the only one, I'm also willing to work on my issues that affect him and us.

In a sort-of-related aside, I am so thankful to have the insurance coverage to pay for my psychiatric and counseling sessions. In this country, mental health issues take a back seat to "physical" ailments, but so many aspects of our lives hinge on our mental health. Virtually all aspects. How else could we function day to day? And it's a true shame that affordable care isn't more readily available. *stepping down from soapbox*

--Pym

Haiku

I must share this all-too-flattering haiku written by a friend, Huxley:

Meek exterior
Disguises saucy temptress
Dat booty be fine

I laughed out loud and surely blushed when I read it, but I love it!

Thank you, Huxley,
--Pym

First Experiences, Part 1

I'm trying to think back to our earliest experiences and experiments in our lifestyle. To include everything, I'd have to go back all the way to our first date.

The date included only we two, but for some reason Spencer thought it appropriate to show a video of a naked woman wallowing on his [clothed] lap. There is a story behind the video, but to this day Spencer remarks, "I can't believe I showed that to you on our first date."

The footage was actually audition footage of the woman's tryout for a friend's movie. Apparently it was "anything goes" for her and she gamely took off her clothes to enhance her audition. Spencer, being the co-director, got to be her straight man, so to speak.

Call me a lugnut, but I thought the video quite funny, especially seeing Spencer's uncomfortable posturing, not sure how to react to this spontaneous gift of naked womanhood, literally plopping into his lap. As talkative as he is about sex, he can be a shy boy when it comes down to real interaction, and the discomfort on his face was charming to me.

Even on that first date, just sitting on the floor in his apartment living room and talking for hours, we discussed how we felt about open "relationshipping". I hadn't yet told him [I was to admit it sometime during the night] that I had cheated in my marriage that had ended the year before, so honest non-monogamy was something I wasn't opposed to, though I'd never heard the word polyamorous.

Later that night we went back to my apartment with a 6-pack. To me the drinking was just a bit of cutting loose on a Friday night--I didn't know it'd become a way of life--but at the time it was a blast. We drank and sang and went to bed, and talked about all kinds of things. During the night I cried and told him what I did in my first marriage, and he told me it was okay. Finally we made love, and we've been together ever since, sharing lots of love, some hurts and losses, but no regrets.

Off permanently, it seems

The visit to Amanda by her ex-boyfriend appears to have been the death knell for hers and Spencer's relationship. That really wasn't the only reason they've broken up but the accompanying baggage tipped it over the edge.

Being in the middle I can see points of view held by both. Spencer was hurt that he wasn't asked how he'd feel if Amanda and [we'll call him] Gig had sex while he visited, but was just told that it would most likely happen.

I'm guessing that Amanda, wanting to reconnect with someone who could potentially be her primary, probably didn't want to be discouraged from having sex with Gig, nor have to deal with someone else's jealousy.

Spencer was hurt that Amanda now admits when she said she loved him, she didn't mean it that way, as in in love. That's a hurt I can empathize with, though I don't believe she meant to hurt Spencer intentionally.

Through this, all I can do is support and love my Spencer, and stay a supportive friend of Amanda.

Spencer remains encouraging of my relationship with Cary, and I appreciate that.

And on a somewhat different note, I was sent links by a friend to a couple naturalist/nudist/clothing optional resorts. It's too cold now, but visiting one has been a goal of ours for quite awhile, and maybe planning a trip will give Spencer something to look forward to.

Off Again, On Again

Over the holidays Amanda and Spencer broke up, but it appears now it's back on. This isn't their first breakup--I felt sure it wouldn't last--and not surprisingly, they talked some things out yesterday and are back to seeing each other.

The next hitch is that Amanda is having an ex-boyfriend visit in town for a few days, a visit that may lead to intimacy between them, so it's going to be a test of Spencer's powers of being poly outside of what we four, five if we count Cary's wife, have established.

...But then, Cary's wife has a boyfriend, and whether he has a girlfriend other than her, we aren't sure...and if he does, then that girlfriend may have a significant other...

We'll all just have to communicate as best we can, and get tested for stds if we're uncomfortable, to keep these relationships on a safe, adult level. But the more I analyze the connections, the more it seems we live in a '70s Breck shampoo commercial...

New Year's Revelations

The first day of my new year I spent in self-inflicted agony after consuming a bottle of white zinfandel and a bottle of pink champagne New Year's Eve...which brings back the question: is Spencer the only one with the drinking problem? I don't want to answer it today, but it is something to think about.

Today's the second day into the new year, and I'm feeling miles better; but now Spencer is down for the count with a cold. It's my turn to care for him as he cared for me yesterday. He was kinder to me in my hungover state than I would have been to him, I admit.

We're doing some much-needed cleaning around our house, including going through years of papers belonging to us and to his recently deceased mom. Shredding and plowing through all this stuff is cathartic.

Something else that was cathartic for Spencer was, on New Year's Eve, while blazing drunk, he kept muttering "I've done you wrong, I've done you wrong." Of course one can't say that and not expect the other person to keep prying as to "what is it you've done??" Being that I was also three sheets to the wind, I figured I wasn't going to care much whatever it was.

It turns out that, before we were actually married but after we'd become a couple, Spencer had some sexual exploits about which I was not informed. He says he cheated but as we weren't married yet, I can't use as strong a word. And since I'd out-and-out cheated in my first marriage, I don't have much of a leg to stand on anyway. I'm just truly glad that he feels better for having told me. And really the timing couldn't have been better seeing as how I was happily toasted at the time of the revelation.

I'm oddly not mad at all. We've been married a few years now and anything before seems so long ago anyway. I did take the opportunity while the air was being cleared to tell Spencer about a couple instances in which Cary and I performed acts I wasn't forthcoming about myself. Spencer knows of all the times when Cary and I have met, but I didn't feel I could reveal that a) Cary and I did anal and b) I swallowed [well at least 75% of it] once with Cary; things that I hadn't done with Spencer in a long time, and I thought it would hurt his feelings that I did these things with someone else.

So those instances are off my chest, and now, too, I've revealed this blog to Spencer. He can read it all he wants, but if he gets angry at my honesty and wants to vent, he can get his own blog.

We'll have to think of a suitable acronym for him: PAYMANDS? Polyamorous Alcoholic Yankee Married to an Anxious Neurotic in the Deep South?