Stump

I do rather get tired of feeling the stump of my neck for my head, after it's been bitten off...especially when I've done exactly what I said I'd do for someone, and they just hadn't noticed yet...

Cary and Amanda

How did I meet Cary, and Spencer meet Amanda?

It's taken years for Spencer and me to get to this point. We've each had other relationships since we've been together and either gotten hurt, or Spencer pissed 'em off in a drunken stupor.

In another post I'll start telling those tales from our early experiments, but since Cary and Amanda are our most recent lovers, and very important to us, I'll begin with them.

Amanda is connected with my job [I won't get too detailed for reasons of discretion] but through me is how Spencer met her. He's incredibly flirtatious and if he gets a response he's off and running. And finding Amanda on the same friendship/dating site where we have profiles gave him an opening to strike up more daring flirtations and see where it would lead.

I can't say I even remember when they first got together, but apparently they are very sexually compatible [she's kinkier than I...and she swallows]. However they also have communication issues. Worse even than he and I do. I'm just not sure why they have trouble getting along, or why they've bothered staying together for this long. Maybe they're too much like one another or never learned good communication skills; I can't figure it out. Neither can they, as they just had a cyber-argument this afternoon. Sometimes I do wish they'd amicably part and move on, only so I wouldn't have to referee so much.

And I do really love Amanda as a friend. She's been a listening ear to me when Spencer and I have had difficulties. And she's had a taste of dealing with his alcoholism when he's over done it at her place. I admit it is sometimes hard to keep a conversation going with her though, and that's not for lack of smarts on her part -- she's super smart -- but it's always the brainy ones that it's hard to communicate with. They're probably already way ahead of the rest of us and thinking of something else already.

Cary is someone I've known for years as an acquaintance, but never knew he and his wife had open interests. Several times Spencer and I would see him and we'd all talk, and his and my eyes would meet and I'd think...oh, God, I wonder if I'd ever be so lucky as to do "it" with him. His eyes would often show interest, but I couldn't take the chance to [figuratively] feel things out.

Over a year later, though, I found him on the same site we'd seen Amanda and I took a risk of severely embarrassing myself and friended him. A few initial emails built up into instant messaging, and us meeting him and his wife for dinner. Spencer didn't seem to hit it off with Cary's wife, but Cary and I have built up a friendship and quite a hot and steamy sex life, with a side order of kink and a heavy dollop of love.

He's introduced me to experiences that were totally new to me, as well as spiritual, in the way of sacred sex. Next I hope he can show me some Tantra. Even sexting is great with him...and as my cell has a vibration setting, I may never look at my phone in the same way again.

--Pym

Sundays

One more day before going back to work. Spencer had a binge last night with his knucklehead friend Kip. I call him a knucklehead because his personality grates and he's a jerk for the most part, but I should thank him for taking Spencer in at his place for the evening and keeping him out of my hair while they drink. [Man, I sound like a bitch.] And since he's within walking distance I don't have to worry about Spencer driving.

I admit I had my own mini-binge while he was gone [4 or 5 beers]; and yes, I do ask myself the question, why do I deal with his alcoholism with alcohol? Legitimate question. Lame but honest answer: I want to escape for a short time. Sort of the "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" syndrome.

Sunday afternoons and evenings are usually quite pleasant around our place. I must lower myself and thank the fundys for not allowing alcohol sales on Sunday; it at least gives me a built-in respite. Actually I don't give a crap if it's Sunday or Tuesday, I just like knowing there's one day we're 99% in the clear.

Must dash, still work to do around the house; and maybe a chance to chat with Cary ;O)

--Pym

Ahhh

A few hours peace...it's the day after Christmas...Spencer woke up cranky, so even though I love him dearly I was relieved when he went to spend some time with a buddy. It's like the ol' saying: sometimes I wake up cranky, other times I let him sleep...

After my short post yesterday, Spencer did notice that he'd hurt my feelings when he asked if he could drink -- the crying probably gave it away -- and apologized. The rest of the evening went pretty smoothly as we watched Britcoms and relaxed on the couch.

I'm not sure why I cry so easily...must be the stress. It is stressful living with Spencer, dealing with his dysfunctional family, but I must be the first to admit it's most likely a tad stressful for him to live with me. Here's where I mention my mental health issues:

There have been some bouts in my past of depression, but I'd say my main issues are generalized anxiety and obsessive-compulsive disorder. This does cause Spencer chagrin when I'm constantly checking doors, etc. and continually worrying about something or other. Usually about death. Mine, his, loved ones'.

I'm a master at worrying; think of it as mental origami: any smallish anxious thought can be kneaded, manipulated, folded, spindled, mutilated, into a masterpiece of psychological-textbook proportion. Why I don't go so far as to sprinkle my paxil and xanax on my cornflakes I don't know.

Part of the trade off of me dealing with Spencer's issues is him dealing with mine. At least so far each of our major episodes have happened opposite one another so the other was there and strong enough to support. Must be cosmic. Or is that karmic?

--Pym

Christmas Day

It's Christmas Day in PYMADS land, and I'm trying to not be cranky. I'm just wondering why it's so easy for Spencer to think of some lame reason to attempt to go back on his word to stay sober Christmas Eve and Day?

Okay, I do know why...because he's an alcoholic...

Must dash...he keeps walking in and out...

--Pym

PYMADS, or, Call me Pym

PYMADS stands for: Polyamorous Yankee Married to an Alcoholic in the Deep South...or I'll go by Pym for short...hence Pym's Escape.

I'm in love with two men, neither who yet knows I'm blogging, though it's not just about them. Somehow, as a Yankee I've ended up in the Deep South, married to another exile from the North who happens to be an alcoholic.

I'll call him Spencer, [names will be changed for CYA purposes] NOT after that milque-toast pseudo-celebrity, but after the Spencer Tracy/Kate Hepburn love affair: equal-minded, intelligent souls involved in unconventional love, and he a raging alcoholic or so I've heard. Doomed somehow, but timeless. If only I looked like her...

I'm married to and in love with Spencer, a handsome troubled soul, who is loving and solicitous to me, and has the libido of [his favorite phrase]: a "three-balled Tomcat". From the first, though our new sex-life was exceptional, we knew we would be an unconventional couple, and though we didn't know the word yet: polyamorous. I had strayed in a past marriage and swore I would never do it again. Knowing how much we both enjoy physical loving intimacy, and knowing a human-being's penchant to not be monogamous, we were honest from the beginning that we'd eventually take the open marriage route.

We dabbled in "swinging" and realized it wasn't for us. Too loose and free for us and too hurtful, as we'd develop feelings for others who wanted only the physical. We started looking into polyamory, of which there are almost infinite degrees. Into that philosophy of love and life we've carved our own little niche.

I realize most people would think that all this dabbling would be a death-knell to a marriage. Actually the polyamory has been a blessed outlet for us both. It's the least cause of tension in our marriage. That honor goes to alcoholism.

Spencer didn't start drinking until his early 20s, which makes me think, if he made it all through his teen years without drinking, why even start?? But his traumatic childhood and genetics caught up with him, and now he has this one more demon on his back. It's a strong reason why our polyamory gives us both an escape from day-to-day responsibilities. And me an escape from the drunkenness.

He's a wonderful person, Spencer, and when sober is my soul-mated Dr. Jekyll...when drunk, a raving Mr. Hyde. How do I deal with it? Mostly with love, some Al-Anon meetings, support from Spencer's girlfriend Amanda [more on her in another post], friends, now-thin patience, xanax, port, and Cary: the other man I love.

Cary's marriage is also an open one, though I'm not convinced it's without some problems of its own. I try to not press him for any details; I just want to be his escape as he's mine. I try to not let him know of the "drama" in my life, though I'm sure he does. I feel like the less baggage I bring into our relationship, the longer it will last. He's sweet and soft, very sexual but also very shy. I liken Spencer to a thick multi-layered devil's food cake; Cary is the lickable butter-cream frosting on top...more tenuous in structure, but I could bathe in a vat of that frosting.

Have I stayed on my opening topic? I am a PYMADS who is trying to stay sane in a still-somewhat-strange, judgmental culture. But it's all life, isn't it? Love, life, sharing, compassion, paychecks and bootstraps. And xanax.